21 Aug 2011, edited 23 Aug 2011
When my first book Arise Arjun': Awaken my Hindu Nation was published, some reader-admirers asked me as to what brought me into this field (writing on matters of national and social importance that have been vastly ignored) leaving behind my career and life style in corporate environment.
The same question was asked to me again by those who had not read Arise Arjun' but came in contact with my next major publication Christianity in a different Light: face behind the Mask that came as eye-opener to many. In those days, there was little awareness among Hindoos about hidden face of Christianity. Therefore, it was more of a shocker to many and a major relief to those who knew about it but had no access to well documented work of this kind.
All those people who asked me this question did get some answer from me but that was only the tip of the iceberg. For, I believed, that 'Time' hadn't yet come to reveal all; though it had been pre-documented even before the work on Arise Arjun' began.
It was published in print more than 7 years later when I decided to stop writing in English any more so that I could resume work in Hindi which would be needed for mass mobilization at a later date.
If I were to summarize what brought me into this field...
It were the Spiritual attainments those formed the foundation of my current
activities
Education and Work experience that I bid goodbye to, at a point of time, when I could have continued
for another 17 years of gainful employment before normal retirement date in Canada
Intense spiritual experience that I went through, for about 3 years in Canada, before bidding
goodbye to Canada with no intention to return
A budding resolve to establish the edifice
of a Hindoo Raashtr' sometime by 2030
Shri Naaraayan' Sharanam श्री नारायण शरणम्
5 Dec 2010, edited 22 Aug 2011Years ago, I had lived in a totally different world,
beyond the ambit of Maya, visiting occasionally in and out of it
That is when I was prompted to document the events of my life relating to that period
Had it not been done then, may be it would have never been done later
For, it would have been extremely difficult for me to live through those experiences again that
were soon going to be a matter of Past
I, however, did not know this
They were close to my heart but I never felt sharing them with any one.
He, however, knew that
He, who held my hand and, took me through this journey
I know that now
But I did not know this, then.
Once it was done, He gradually brought me back to the awareness of this world
The world that is full of deception
The world that is full of hatred
The world that is full of conspiracies.
I hated my return
Return from a world full of faith and dedication
Return from a world full of love and compassion
Return from a world full of loyalty and integrity.
I did not know why I was being forced to return
He, however, knew that
He had a job for me to do
But I had no inkling of that.
No task can be completed without being equipped for it
And I was certainly not in that state
I had to be brought face to face with crude realities
I had to be equipped with a vision to look beyond the smoke screen
I had to be armed with ammunitions for battle with the evil.
He equipped me with resources that I would need later
But nothing came in at once
For I needed to develop the ability to acquire and retain all that.
He trained me slowly and patiently
I was a willing learner.
He changed my outlook
He changed my understanding of the world
He taught me to look at the world as it is
Plain, black and white.
He entrusted me with the vision that would penetrate the smoke screen
A vision that would touch upon the bigger Truth that envelopes this world of Maya.
What follows is the story of an extraordinary journey through bliss and agony...
When my heart stopped beating
Etobicoke, Toronto, 1st week of July 1998
Give me a place at Your feet, Naaraayan, and take away everything
Toronto has a Chain of Parks spread throughout the city. The spread is such that it might even have an access from very near your house. And, these parks seem to be interconnected such that you can go on and on up to 90 kilometers.
Very recently I had purchased a condominium at 36th floor of a building, had it furnished, and moved in. Then I invited a qualified priest from Vishnu Mandir to perform Satya'Naaraayan' Pooja. Later I discovered that there was a passage through the basement which led to a staircase going down up to the opening of one of the parks, and I became a frequent visitor to it.
One such evening I remember which was sometime during first week of July 1998. I had walked miles and miles through the park until it started to become dark and it was the time to return. I noticed a passage up to the hillock and light at the end indicative of some approach to the main road somewhere. I stood there for some time evaluating the options and finally decided to take back the same path by which I had landed there.
The footpath on which I was walking back home, or probably thousands of people have walked before, was nature made, not man made symmetrical concrete road. The surroundings were more like jungle, though no wild animals of course, well maintained by Parks, Forestry & Recreation Division. There weren't any artificial lights around and the moonlight created an ambiance that was unique.
The footpath I was walking on was so very familiar that I hardly needed to look down or ahead, so I had been more often looking up toward the moon and absorbing its cool, quiet and peaceful ambiance. Slowly it engulfed my entire being and the thought of Shri Naaraayan started flooding in my mind. I began to chant 'His' name and gradually my voice began to become louder and louder overwhelming my very existence. I was so very immersed in it that nothing else mattered. In any case there was no human character in sight for miles together who could perceive me as a mad guy!
As I walked and walked, gradually a voice started coming from within me asking Shri Naaraayan to give me a place at 'His' feet in return of everything else that He has given me thus far. Nothing mattered, nothing that I had, in comparison to a place at 'His' feet. Years later I realized that the house you live in can have a bearing on your life.
This was a state of immersion into Samarpan' Bhaav समर्पण भाव toward Shri Naaraayan, my Aaraadhya...
a voice started coming from within me BhagavadGita Adhyaay 6 Aatm'Sanyam'Yog' आत्मसंयमयोग Shlok 44 "On account of continuous practice during prior births he keeps getting drawn as if not being within his own power towards the complete attainment of his object". 17 Oct 2010
Toronto, Wednesday, 22 July 1998
when Heartbeats Stopped, Wednesday 22 July 1998, Toronto
It was the morning of Wednesday 22 July 1998 at Sunnybrook Medical Center (now Sunnybrook Health Sciences Center), University of Toronto, 2075 Bayview Avenue, North York, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4N 3M5. I was on the operation table; Dr. S. Fort working on me.
My eyes fell on the monitor placed at a viewable height on my left and the lines appearing on it caught my attention. Moments later everything blacked out (later I learned that my heart had stopped beating but for how long I have no idea).
When I could look around I found myself on the same bed from where I was taken to the operation theater on wheel chair. I looked outside the window on my left and felt as if morning was over and now it was afternoon.
From that evening my life changed. But I have had no idea that it could have had any connection with whatever had happened that morning. I remained under impression that it was simply a case of heart attack, something that we so often hear about. In the report that hospital had handed over to me there was a mention of cardiac arrest which I assumed as equivalent of heart attack.
Years later, more precisely on 7 May 2001, I was in the clinic of Dr. Atul Seth for eye examination. I do not remember the context in which I just mention him of my earlier cardiac arrest. He looked at me and said: if you had a cardiac arrest you wouldn't be sitting in front of me.
I realized he was conveying that people don't survive cardiac arrest and it is not same as heart attack. That is when I told him that I was in the operation theater when it happened. Hearing that he said: that explains!
Dr. Atul Seth's comments turned me curious. I searched through Dr. Terence Kavanagh's book Take Heart and found the following description:
“If the damage is severe, then the heart may stop beating (‘cardiac arrest’ or ‘ventricular fibrillation’, and the attack is fatal. If cardiac arrest occurs when the patient is already in hospital, then normal rhythmic beating may be restored, by applying an external electrical current to the chest wall. This procedure is known as defibrillation. Obviously, there is a great advantage to having the patient in the intensive care unit; here the heart can be monitored continuously, and if cardiac arrest occurs, defibrillation can be carried out within seconds. Unfortunately, cardiac arrest is most likely in the first few hours of the attack, when decisions are still being made to call a doctor or arrange admission to hospital.”
From this I learned that cardiac arrest (medical term: ventricular fibrillation) is almost always fatal except in those cases where the patient had the benefit of being in ICU so that defibrillation could be carried out within seconds, and most patients are not that fortunate.
As I have later learned from subsequent events of my life that nothing happens under the heaven without a reason/purpose, and it applied to me very aptly, not only to what happened later but also to what had happened earlier in my current life.
Year later I would come to understand the true meaning of Shlok 61 of Adhyaay' 18 of ShrimadBhagavadGeeta, something that I would discuss later, and in good time.
BhagavadGita 18:61 : ईश्वरः सर्वभूतानां हृद्देशेअर्जुन तिष्ठति। भ्रामयन्सर्वभूतानि यन्त्रारूढानि मायया।। Eeshwarah' Sarv'bhootaanaam Hriddeshe'Arjun' Tishthati, Bhraamayan'Sarv'bhootaani Yantraaroorhaani Maayaya "O Arjun! This body is like a machine. Mounted on this machine, God with the aid of 'His' Maya makes it move around in accordance with the individual's Karm. 'He' knows what is in the heart of each creature. 'He' is resident in the heart of all the creatures". 17-10-2010
Toronto, Aug-Sep 1998
Aatm'Shuddhi आत्मशुद्धि
Next two months (Aug-Sept) were very different. I started going through intense devotional experiences. Initially they were in form of flooding of love for God, becoming very deep and intense. It would have been the transitory phase of Bhakti'Yog' in my life, in an intense mode.
These spiritual experiences were spontaneous, with no conscious effort on my part, without encouragement from anyone, and seemingly without guidance from anyone. I learned who the guide was only after I had traveled considerable distance in that direction.
My office was at down-town Toronto. There were many Hindu temples in and around the city. Though distances were very significant but driving was no issue; instead it was sheer pleasure. During these two months, I spent all my spare time after work at Vishnu Mandir, Richmond Hill, VaishnoDevi Temple, Oakville, Kaali Baari, Mississauga, Ganesh Temple, Richmond Hill, ISKON, and Lakshmi Naaraayan Mandir (Scarborough). This brought an immense effect on me.
On my own volition I had collected a copy of Satya'Naaraayan'' Pooja Procedure and Mantr' (separate videos) from a priest of Vishnu Mandir and followed it religiously, and I bought all material required for Pooja from a shop at Gerrard St. East Market—this market is popularly known as Little India—which specialized in collection of entire range of products required for any kind of worship and ritual by Hindus.
I
turned totally fruitarian, I would live on fruits and milk alone. I would eat at home after
formally offering these to Shri Naaraayan with proper Mantr recitation. I had done nothing like
that in earlier part of my present life. No one told me to do it now, nor did I read it anywhere
that I should do it so. Everything I did was spontaneous, and I would not know the source of
such desire, nor it was of any relevance to me at that point of time. Years later I came to
understand that 'He Himself' shows the way when 'He' wishes to accept your offerings.
Vishnu Mandir (Richmond Hill) had organized a fortnight-long Yagya ceremony with हवनकुण्ड (Havan'Kund') that would stay प्रज्वलित (Prajvalit' / ignited) day and night until conclusion of यज्ञ (Yagya) and अखण्ड रामायण कथा (Raamaayan' Katha).
I had decided to drive up to Vishnu Mandir every day after work, make offerings in Havan', and listen to Katha as long it would continue. Every morning main ritual of Havan would start at six when I would be getting ready for office. Meanwhile, our company arranged for a retreat and brainstorming session elsewhere. We all drove down to a beautiful place away from hustle and bustle of down-town Toronto and settled ourselves in a quiet, cool and well kept olden times like surrounding. I wasn't yet medically permitted to drive myself and therefore, I joined Stefan Molyneux in his car.
Next morning the brainstorming session began and we all were talking business. At some point of time Jacques Lauren made a remark that "Maanoj is overburdened and is entitled to some vacation and additional staff". Yes, it was true that I had been overburdened but I never mentioned it to anyone. Nevertheless, people had eyes to see and someone had to voice it. Our CTO promptly responded by offering me a fortnight's vacation and permission to hire an assistant. When I returned from vacation my peers asked me how I spent it, but they were in for a surprise. No one, in that Western environment would have even dreamt of it!
But that apart, what really mattered to me was the timing of the event. Vacation coincided with two important things. One: Yagya Ceremony fortnight. Two: medical fitness to drive. In other words, now I could participate in Havan from morning and spend the whole day at Vishnu Mandir till the end of the day. I hadn't expected it nor I had prayed for it as I was happy with whatever I was given.
Looking behind I realize that the hand of destiny was guiding through the events, quite unseen by me, and I was progressing towards the state of readiness when my offerings would be acceptable to Shri Naaraayan.
I would spend hours under Pandaal sitting in front of Shri Naaraayan श्रीनारायण, or staring at Shri Krishn श्रीकृष्ण, and tears would be flooding through my eyes continuously. I remember once my eyes caught the face of a young mother who was looking at me with amazement. The amazement showed on her face as she saw me in silent tears, flooding unabated, in the public place with so many people around. I was quite oblivious of my surroundings!
At
times when no one would be there, I would sit
in front of the Havan'Kund' हवनकुण्ड and participate in Yagya me alone, very involved. It
was no ritual for me, emotions would be flowing from within my heart, and they
would be pouring themselves into the fire of the Havan'Kund'
हवनकुण्ड. It was the period of my Aatm'Shuddhi आत्मशुद्धि,
purification of Soul. In the fire of Praayashchitt' प्रायश्चित्त,
I would be burning my Karm' कर्म (past deeds). Through the tears of Praayashchitt, I would be
washing away my Karm'.
These spiritual experiences were spontaneous, with no conscious effort on my part BhagavadGeeta 6:44 Aatm'Sanyam'Yog' आत्मसंयमयोग: "On account of continuous practice during prior births he keeps getting drawn as if not being within his own power towards the complete attainment of his object". 17-10-2010
would be pouring themselves into the fire of the Havan'Kund' - BhagavadGita Adhyaay 4 Gyaan'Karm'Sannyaas'Yog' ज्ञानकर्मसंन्यासयोग Karm' कर्म and A'Karm' अकर्म Shlok 25 - "Some Karm Yogi perform Yagya in relation to Devataa(s), whereas some sacrifice the Self in the fire of Brahm". BhagavadGita Adhyaay 6 Aatm'Sanyam'Yog' आत्मसंयमयोग Shlok 45 - "With the help of perfection acquired through the course of many prior births, such Yogi practicing with effort and dedication, becomes accomplished in this life itself and by neutralizing all his Karm, he attains the Supreme state". 17 Oct 2010
Aatm'Shuddhi आत्मशुद्धि and Praayashchitt' प्रायश्चित्त for all the wrongs that I may have done to others, as well as, all the wrongs that others may have done to me while I had maintained silence patiently absorbing all within me until it tore me apart, and yet I kept accepting the responsibility as mine. In essence, it was an act of forgiving others for all the injustice done to me over the years, and thereby, washing my heart away for all negatives in my life. It wasn't a day-long process, or week or fortnight-long process, but a process that continued for months and a few years, almost until the morning of 10 November 2001, with many breaks in-between. [note added 10 May 2011, 11:48 PM]
Praayashchitt [Sunday 5 Jan 2012, 16:03 PM] not only included wrong-doings on my part to others but also included the wrong-doings by others on me. I was also at fault for allowing others to continue with their wrong-doings on me and for not taking corrective measures and letting myself suffer through the agonies. Initiated at this point, the process took a few years to complete, and to understand its true import that would make me stand firm against letting any wrong-doings continue. This happened when the realization dawned on me that the one who accepts sufferings quietly, when he has the option not to, is also equally at fault and a Praayashchitt' is called for in order to make him fit to stand against any recurrence in any form and in any situation. That firmness, when acquired, made me capable of raising voice against all wrong-doings that have been, and are being, perpetrated against Hindoo Dharm' in a systematic manner with an objective to eliminate it from the face of the earth. My present day determined effort to take a firm stand against it did sprout from that Praayashchitt' and understanding of its true import.
Toronto, Sept - Oct 1998
Ma Durga's Boon
During September-October 1998, I attended three Jag'Raataas, which had far-reaching effect on me, and I have vivid memory of them.
Dr. Doobay of Vishnu Mandir had invited the famous singer Narendra Chanchal from Bombay. His invocation of Divine Mother was extraordinary. The ambiance it created is beyond my words. The process of chanting in praise of Ma Durga went through the entire night.
Throughout the invocation, Chanchal would say again and again: Ask Mother today what you want and it would be granted. My vision remained blurred with tears. Love for mother had engrossed my whole being. I didn't know what to ask. I did not want to ask for anything. It was more than enough for me that I had this overwhelming opportunity to remain immersed in the love of Ma Durga through the passage of entire night. Nothing else truly mattered in comparison to that.
Narendra Chanchal himself was so deep into it that it was difficult to perceive him as a Bollywood singer. His performance spoke for his devotion towards Ma Durga. From time to time he continued to remind the devotes present: Ask Mother today what you want, and it would be granted. And finally, I did ask Ma Durga: Ma, take back from me every thing that I have, and give me in return, a place at Shri Naaraayan's feet.
In good time, my prayer was heard. I got what I had sought, and lost what I had offered in return. But in those days, I did feel a deep sense of loss, once in a while, for what I had lost. It did not occur to me then that those losses could have had any connection with my spontaneous offerings to Divine Mother Durga on that night of first Jag'Raataa I attended, as those losses came first and gains later.
But now I realize that they were, indeed, inter-connected. Voluntarily, in exercise of my freewill, an inner urge had surfaced on my mind from the depth of my heart, that night, and it was I who made those offerings.
Those offerings were meant to be a sacrifice, though in those days, I never understood the meaning of sacrifice in a spiritual sense. The word sacrifice had always meant to me in a worldly sense, as is generally understood by people, making sacrifices for their loved-ones. Therefore, I made the offering quite spontaneously, but not realizing then that, in effect, I was making a sacrifice of spiritual nature.
It is only now that I sit down to write these lines it occurs to me from nowhere (I was not thinking of it consciously) that offerings I made that night were a sacrifice to God. As I looked out of the window I noticed that it was becoming dawn, birds chirping. And, it dawned on me that I had made, that night, a sacrifice on my own volition, and therefore, I have had no reason to be sad about it. I had lost what I had offered, and I had gained what I asked for, and that was a good bargain.
offerings I made that night were a sacrifice to God - BhagavadGita Adhyaay 4 Gyaan'Karm'Sannyaas'Yog ज्ञानकर्मसंन्यासयोग Karm कर्म and A'Karm अकर्म - Shlok 25 Some Karm Yogi perform Yagya in relation to Devataa(s), whereas some sacrifice the Self in the fire of Brahm. BhagavadGita Adhyaay 6 Aatm'Sanyam'Yog आत्मसंयमयोग - Shlok 45 With the help of perfection acquired through the course of many prior births, such Yogi practicing with effort and dedication, becomes accomplished in this life itself; and by neutralizing all his Karm, he attains the Supreme state. 17 Oct 2010
Deep in Samaadhi समाधि
Toronto, Canada, Oct - Dec 1998
There was much more in store for me to experience, as yet
God has created billions of humans. He can, at His will, create Himself in form of a human. He can, when pleased, reveal Himself in the form in which His loving devotee wishes to recognize Him!
He is the Personal God; Supreme Soul is the Impersonal God. Now I can perceive the two, the personal and impersonal God, as the same. In those days, I could not perceive Him as the Supreme Soul. He was Shri Naaraayan' to me, very much the Naaraayan', the living God, the ‘One’ reality, bigger than life, bigger than the Universe.
At that time, I could not associate myself with any abstract concept, like the Supreme Spirit. I needed someone whom I could visualize, I could talk to; I could pour my emotions before Him; I could cry to Him if I needed, someone I could love with all my existence!
There was much more in store for me to experience. 'He' knew better than I did, that my perceptions were incomplete until I experienced them for myself. A lot of journey was slated for me, which was yet to reveal itself.
For me, I was happy and satisfied with what little I knew and what little I understood, until now.
He can, at His will, create Himself in form of a human — Those who scoff at this idea are trying to convey that God has no ability to assume a human form for Himself though He might have the ability to create billions of humans! Such belief is the product of their gross ignorance of God’s abilities
Naaraayan means the goal of the individual soul. He is the representation of the Supreme Soul, in human form.
Toronto, Canada, 25 Jan - 5 Mar 1999
in Samaadhi समाधि
After a few months, spiritual experiences started taking mysterious turn, as I moved into a new condominium on 25 January 1999, the day I completed 47 years of my life.
I was mysteriously led to getting the Chants of India by Ravi Shankar & George Harrison. I had no inclination, in my remotest dreams, to get any CD for that matter; I was taken to it at the pretext of something else, and no one seemingly associated with the process.
As I started hearing its demonstration at Future Shop, I felt as if I knew these Sanskrit chants verbatim and with their meanings. Curiously, though, I had been totally out of touch with my Sanskrit education for past thirty-three years.
As the demo progressed, I reached those Vedic verses whose meanings I did not readily know, and yet amazingly they too seemed to be so very familiar to me, as if I used to hear them in my distant past very frequently. As I look back, I had actually never heard some of them in my present life!
Mysteriously led to — Note added on 17 Oct 2010 — BhagavadGita 6:44 "On account of continuous practice during prior births he keeps getting drawn as if not being within his own power towards the complete attainment of his object".
Chants of India on YouTube — link re-verified that it exists as of Sunday, 18 Dec 2011, AM 03:03 +05:30
As we dive deep into the spiritual domain, the aspirant often knows not what would come next.
During February 1999, every evening I would return from work and sit down with the Chants of
India, and recitations would go on for a little more than one hour.
It would be dusk; I would leave my mind flow freely with the chants, as they would begin.
After the second track Nityam dhyaayanti Yoginah I would be lost into the unknown, the absolute blankness. [shlok', meaning & audio]
As I would return to consciousness of my surroundings, I would hear the last chant in recitation Sarve Shaam. [shlok', meaning & audio]
This would happen every evening, without exception, about the same places in the course of the recitations.
This would happen every evening, by itself, without any conscious effort on my part. Evenings after evenings, for few weeks in row, the experience would be repeated. Neither, I would understand what it was all about, nor it would occur to me that I needed to understand.
I would have no recollection of where my mind had been during that one hour.
I would have no recollection of any dream, any thought, any feeling, anything at all that I can give a name to.
The only word I can think of, by which I could probably describe it well, was "Total Blank". Period!
I would not know if I even existed during that one hour!
It would feel as if that one-hour was totally lost somewhere, but where I would have no clue, whatsoever.
I would be sitting erect, without support (backrest), for whole one hour, with my head and neck remaining straight. I did not find any change in my posture, when I returned to the consciousness of my surroundings.
There was a typical consistency in the pattern. All that was happening about at the same place, about at the same time, about in the same manner: my going into absolute blankness, return to conscious world about the same location during the recitations, absolutely no change in the body posture before and after the event.
I was being transported, possibly to another world of consciousness, of which I had no recollection.
return to consciousness of my surroundings — I started suspecting that probably I was sleeping during that one hour of recitation. Later I started analyzing the situation. It occurred to me, if I were sleeping for an hour, I could not be sitting erect, without support (backrest), for whole one hour, with my head and neck remaining straight. I asked myself, as to why I did not find any change in my posture, when I returned to the consciousness of my surroundings I compared it with my numerous experiences of long travel in bus or train where often I would go into sleep, and invariably after a while, I would get up with jerk in neck, as my head would drop down during sleep, but it did not happen because the bus or train would stop with an unexpected jerk. It happened because, I simply could not keep my head straight while sleeping in a sitting position, and it had happened for many years The feeling after regaining consciousness of my surroundings was extraordinarily different. That kind of serenity and bliss I would have never known, in my present life, ever before. Whereas, waking up after a nap in the bus or train had always left me with a peculiarly dried throat and a discomforted feeling There was yet another reason for discounting my original suspicion about sleep. My sleeps were invariably filled with some kind of dream, but I would have no recollection of anything like a dream, after regaining consciousness of my surroundings, after that one hour I spent every evening
The feeling after regaining consciousness of my surroundings, after that one-hour of total blankness - Oneness with the Unknown, was extraordinarily different. That kind of serenity and bliss I had never known, in my present life, ever before, until then.
I would have no recollection of anything like a dream, after regaining consciousness of my surroundings, after that one hour, I spent every evening; at the same time, I could not be unconscious, for that period, or else my body would not remain, for one hour, in that posture.
It would be very blank, absolute blankness, but could not be a medical blackout with such systematic repetition evening after evening, at a given point of time, with uncanny precision. I felt perhaps the fittest, mentally and physically, during the daytime that followed every evening, during those few weeks.
After my return to the consciousness of my surroundings, I would be in a different world altogether until next morning, when I would get ready for work.
At work, the sense of peace would be so deep that I would not want to think of vacation at all. We look forward to vacation in order to run away from the monotony or stress of the work environment. Curiously, now at work, every day gave me the mental comfort of a vacation, as I was very free from stress, during those few weeks! I felt as if I was enjoying each day’s work immensely in those days, as if I wanted to remain in that environment all my life. This kind of feeling, I had only once, through my entire working career of so many years, and that was only during those few weeks.
I was able to perform my work very efficiently in those few weeks, a work that needed high degree of concentration and application with deep analytical bent of mind. My job was to unearth invisible flaws and hidden weaknesses that are not easily spotted, in computer programs of technical nature.
My mind goes back to those days bringing the memories of my weekends, the kind that I had never experienced before or after those few weeks.
Saturday and Sunday, I used to have two days off from work. I lived alone and I would not turn the television on for time pass, I simply did not need to. Solitude is very congenial to spiritual journey, and living alone did help.
I would get up early morning extraordinarily fresh, something that was a rarity in my life pattern. After daily routines and bath, I would sit down with a book or a music that had only sounds of Nature as music.
The day would pass in absolute calm and serenity. I would not feel the need for filling up the hours of the day. There would be no sense of emptiness in my whole being. There would be no lethargy in my physical and mental system.
There would be no sense of wanting or emptiness during the time of two whole days at my disposal to spend. There would be no sense of wanting in my surroundings and in my life. That was the February of 1999 and 1st week of March!
During this period, I would always be part of my surroundings, my work, people, and yet I would be out of it all. I would be wholly involved with my work at my work place, with people I would be in contact with, and yet detached from all of it and all of them.
That kind of detachment was not the product of mind or learning or training. That kind of detachment was not the product of a hurt or deep loss in life. That detachment was unique. I have experienced detachment in life of other kinds, but never of that type. It was so natural, so self-evolved, so un-engineered. It was so very different. I have not experienced that again, nor I have made any attempt for that. For, I have now understood it had been a gift from God with a purpose.
The basic attribute that I can remember now of those few weeks of my life is the wanting of nothing. Nothing that I was lacking, nothing that caused a void in my life, nothing that gave me a sense of emptiness!
I have not known of a better feel of contended life, at a stretch for that long a period, ever before or ever after those couple of weeks!
Every evening, at the same time — added on 2010 10 17 — BhagavadGita 6: 44 — "On account of continuous practice during prior births he keeps getting drawn as if not being within his own power towards the complete attainment of his object".
Uncanny — (thefreedictionary.com & merriam-webster.com) beyond what is normal or expected, ex: an uncanny accuracy (dictionary.reference.com) having or seeming to have a supernatural or inexplicable basis; beyond the ordinary or normal; extraordinary: ex: uncanny accuracy
Aug-Oct 2002 — Three and half years have passed since then. As I now sit down to write these details, my mind is taken to BhagavadGita 2:55, 58: Shri Krishn' said: “O Arjun! When a person gives up all his desires fully well, and lives content within him, in such a state he is called Sthit’Pragya (T pronounced as in French, G with nasal sound. Both A are pronounced as U in But). As tortoise withdraws his limbs, in that manner, when this person withdraws all his senses from all sense-objects, then his Buddhi is resolute”.
16 July 2010 — Eleven and half years have passed since then. Now I realize that I was transported to the state of Sthit'Pragya स्थितप्रज्ञ for a short duration of five weeks to give me a clue in advance (which I would be able to corroborate with subsequent events / revelations at a later day) as to who I may have been in my prior birth(s), why this extraordinary deviation during first sixty percent period of my present birth, and...
a better feel of contended life — added 17 Oct 2010 BhagavadGita 2:52-53: "When your intellect will be freed from the cloud of attachments then you will develop indifference towards things that you have heard or have found interesting enough to hear. When your mind, already disturbed by many different things you have heard, becomes steady and focused, then only you will attain Samatv' Yog'". Shlok 55-56-57-58: "When a person gives up all his desires and remains satisfied within himself, that is the state of mind of a Sthit'Pragya. One who does not get sad in grief, or elated in joy; one who has been able to free himself from attachments, fear, and anger; such person is Sthit'Pragya. A person is Sthit'Pragya when he is devoid of all attachments; is neither pleased nor envious; is neither delighted nor dejected at the outcome of his efforts. Like a tortoise that withdraws its limbs, when a person withdraws his senses from the objects that attract those senses, then his mind is steady".
I have had no earlier exposure to any documentation on spiritual experiences of other people with which I could correlate my own experiences. Besides, it was so very different from the life I had lived so far, and more importantly, it was all so sudden that I was baffled!
I was naturally curious about the recent developments in my life. One of my office colleagues PC used to go to a Buddhist Center regularly. One day I went with her. Towards the end of the session, I narrated briefly my recent experiences to the Monk and asked him what it was all about.
He told me that it was very bad. In next birth, I will be born as one of the creatures in one of the lowest of the species (obviously not human) in this world. He also mentioned that his Guru had written so in his book. This explanation was very dispiriting, and I lost the desire to make any further enquiries into the subject, though I did not buy his theory.
PC noticed that I was visibly disturbed, and she only said later: total blankness is a deep subject! This made some sense to me, and I kept it in my mind for future reference but I did not get to probe into it until recently that, I started documenting my experiences.
Developments that took place thereafter, in quick succession, left me out of breath to get into any probing of what was all happening. All I knew that I was totally overwhelmed by all that were going around me, and I was so completely enveloped into the process that I had simply lost track of many other things that seemed to be quite unimportant, at that point of time!
PC — Pauline Chua, she was an young Engineer probably from University of Toronto, her family migrated from Hong Kong
Buddhist Center — I have lost the address of that Center as my Casio Organizer, in which I used to keep all details, became dysfunctional soon after my return to India, in May 2000. Since I do not remember the exact name I cannot locate / identify the address using the Web either.
Monk — He was white born, taken to Buddhism, and had risen to the level of Head of that Center; PC respected him very deeply.
Venezia, Italia, July 2002
Whatever I had passed through, until now, those were only experiences to me, the real-life experiences but without a definitive name. I did not search for a name because, so far, there had been no need to give it a name. They were simply personal matters to me.
Now that I am documenting these experiences, it becomes necessary for me to find the appropriate name to identify those experiences, the name by which others can correlate them. With that purpose in mind, now I consult other works to find the definitions.
Now I look for similarities in the documented experiences of others to find a name for my own experiences. Until now, they were my own experiences, my very own, unshared with others, and I needed no name for them. Now that they come to public knowledge, they will need to be identified by a name for common reference. I begin, therefore, with the documented experiences of others that I have access to.
When my host at Venice asked me about my spiritual experiences, the first question that surfaced on my thoughts: Do you know of Nirvikalp' Samaadhi? How and why that word came to my mind, at that moment, I do not know. For, I had never thought of it seriously before.
This term ‘Nirvikalp Samaadhi’ had never been of any relevance to me, with regard to my own spiritual experiences, involving retreats to total blankness - Oneness with the Unknown - during February 1999. So far, I had treated my experience of such retreats as admixture of strange and wonderful occurring.
Why then, a term Nirvikalp Samaadhi that I never consciously thought about, nor associated with my own experiences, surfaced on my mental plane out of the blue, when I got somewhat ready to speak of my experiences to my friend Professor D. Meo, and that happened to be my very first reaction?
Whatever might have been the reason, now after my return from Venice, as I start documenting my experiences that is the first place I am prompted to look into: Nirvikalp Samaadhi!
Quoting Swami Nikhilananda (1895-1973), the founder of Ramakrishna-Vivekananda Center of New York, USA in The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna [1942] [unabridged edition] Glossary published at the page 1041
"Nirvikalp Samaadhi: The highest state of Samaadhi, in which the aspirant realizes his total oneness with Brahm'."
Quoting Shri RaamKrishn' (1836-1886) in The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna [1942] at page 639 about a conversation between him and Pundit recorded by M. on Monday, October 20, 1884 at 12 Mallick Street, Burrabazar, Calcutta:
"Pundit: There are two kinds of Samaadhi: Savikalp and Nirvikalp. In Nirvikalp Samaadhi, the functioning of mind stops altogether. Ramakrishna: Yes. The mind completely takes the form of Reality. The distinction between the meditator and the object of meditation does not exist."
Quoting Romain Rolland [1866-1944], winner of the Nobel Prize for Literature [1915], in his book The Life of Ramakrishna [1928] -
"But hardly had Ramakrishna crossed the threshold than he attained the last stage – the Nirvikalp Samaadhi – wherein subject and object alike disappeared. The Universe was extinguished. Space itself was no more. At first, the shadows of ideas floated in the obscure depths of the mind. Monotonously a feeble consciousness of the ego went on ticking. Then that stopped too. Nothing remained but existence. The soul was lost in the Self. Dualism was blotted out. Finite and Infinite space were as one. Beyond word, beyond thought, he attained Brahm'." page 32
"This realization was the last stage, for beyond this temporary revelation lay the supreme realization, the absolute identity, obtained in the Nirvikalp Samaadhi (the Highest Ecstasy). But that reserved for men, who had achieved their mission in life; it was the ultimate and forbidden joy; for from it there is no return except in a few exceptional cases like that of Ramakrishna himself." pages 167-168
"He who is desirous of attaining identity with the Unique Reality only receives a return ticket by a miracle…Properly speaking, it is the stage of illumination to which, we can all aspire and to which we have the power to attain by ourselves and to guide others to a similar attainment." page 168
who had achieved their mission in life — now I realize that 'He' had a purpose behind giving me a taste of Nirvikalp' Samaadhi — 'He' wanted me to realize that I had achieved my personal mission in life during prior births — from this realization I derive my strength — the inner strength that I need to keep working in the direction few would dare [Thursday, 15 Dec 2011, 04:08 AM]
only receives a return ticket by a miracle — perhaps this return ticket was with a purpose — that I should not while away my time and life like everyone else — that there is a bigger objective of my present birth — a task to be accomplished [Thursday, 15 Dec 2011, 04:12 AM]
How and why that word came to my mind — Three years ago I had read something about it in The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna, but the specifics had not registered on my mind, probably because, I had considered it something of a very distant object, only relevant for someone like Shri RaamKrishn Param'Hans' Dev, who was then (at that point of time) an Avataar' in my perception.
Something that I would perceive as not relevant for a common person like me, I would simply ignore. The only thing that I vaguely remembered, in relation to Nirvikalp Samaadhi, was about an experience of Swami Vivekananda, where he felt something like missing his body, or such. The only impression I carried with that vague memory, was that it sounded too odd to me, and probably, therefore, it stuck in my head for its oddness.
A year ago, I would have again read about it somewhere in Romain Rolland’s Life of Ramakrishna, but I was more impressed with his beautiful language throughout the book, and the fact that someone of his eminence was writing so highly about my Master, and even then, I did not even think of relating it to my experiences.
When I got somewhat ready to — I could not do it then, therefore, doing it now.
Brahm' — BhagavadGita, in its original Sanskrit script, refers to Brahm, and therefore, I shall use everywhere Brahm, not Brahman
12 Mallick Street — On the invitation of Marwari devotees for celebrating Ann’Koot' festival, where a vast quantity of cooked food is offered to the Deity and later distributed among the devotees and the poor
Reality — The Supreme Soul is the permanent reality. All else are transitory, not eternal reality
Toronto, Canada, January - March 1999
I have described earlier, in great detail, about my daily retreats for few weeks, into the total blankness - Oneness with the Unknown, where I lost my consciousness of the external world, and was transported into another world of consciousness, of which I have no recollection. Wherever my consciousness would be transported to, there would be no dreams, no thoughts, no emotions, no feelings; no awareness of anything that would be worldly in nature, nothing whatsoever; and this process had evolved by itself.
Was it a state, as described by Swami Nikhilananda [in the Glossary of The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna], where the aspirant realizes his total Oneness with the Brahm? Was it a retreat into the Nirvikalp Samaadhi?
Was it a state, as described by the Pundit to Shri RaamKrishn, where the functioning of mind stops altogether? Was it a retreat into the Nirvikalp Samaadhi?
Was it a state, as described by Romain Rolland, wherein subject and object alike disappeared; the Universe was extinguished; nothing remained but existence; the soul was lost in the Self; dualism was blotted out? Was it a retreat into the Nirvikalp Samaadhi?
Was it a situation, as described by Romain Rolland, where one had achieved the mission in life? Why would I beg of Her to take me away from here into Her own world? Why would I beg of Her to take control of my life, and use it the way She would want? Why would I not want to have any freewill to myself by handing over my total existence to Her? Why would I not want any of my egos; all dissolved into Her, the Divine Mother?
Why was this hurry, through this life, to experience the world as much as possible, as soon as possible, to re-live through the spiritual experiences in a hurried manner; and to be over with it, as if once for all?
Was it a state, as described by Shri RaamKrishn to Pundit, where distinction between the meditator and the object of meditation does not exist? Was it a retreat into the Nirvikalp Samaadhi?
If I were in a state of meditation, then I was the meditator, and someone else was the object of that meditation. The meditator in me had lost its identity, into the one, who was being meditated upon.
Who was I meditating upon? I did not make a conscious effort for meditation. I simply sat in front of the altar (images of Gods whom I worshipped), started the recitation of the Chants, and let my mind and heart and soul flow freely with it. Then, soon I was gone. Where was I gone, I did not know.
If He was the object of meditation, and I was the meditator, then He certainly engulfed me, in a way that I lost myself totally.
If He was not the object of meditation, then who or what was it? All I know that it was Naaraayan, I have been seeking all along; I simply wanted a place at His feet, nothing else mattered to me.
He used to be in my thoughts all the while. I did not know what meditation was all about. Now after this entire journey, that I have already walked you through, I have learnt that meditation is nothing but being in His thoughts, all the while, with all our heart, and mind and soul.
God is there in the base simplicity of thought and expression all else is cosmetic!
He certainly engulfed me — Continuously it happened every evening, about the same place, during the chants: Omkaaram Bindusamyuktam nityam dhyaayanti Yoginah, Kaamadam Mokshadam chaiv', Omkaaraay' Namo Namah - Meaning: The sacred letter ‘Om’ is associated with the sacred dot – the Bindu. This ‘Om’ is the bestower of all wishes, and is indeed capable of leading one to freedom from worldly bondage and is meditated upon by Yogis. Now that I look at this meaning carefully, I am struck by the amazing relevance of it!
Meditation — I had heard of that term, and had some vague impression, that it was some kind of a specialized mental activity, for which you would need a teacher, a guide, a Guru.
Toronto, 1999, 2000, Mumbai, 2000
Quoting Swami Nikhilananda in The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna [1942] [unabridged edition] Glossary published at the page 1031
"Bhaav' Samaadhi: Ecstasy in which the devotee retains his ego and enjoys communion with the Personal God.
My retreats into devotional madness, the state where I would be very much aware of my physical existence, and yet I would be wholly immersed into Her thoughts, was unlike the earlier situation of retreats into total blankness - Oneness with the Unknown. I would be working at office, or driving on the highway, but my mind would be flooding with the name of the Divine Mother.
My existence would be very much in my conscious and yet it would be totally engulfed by Her. I would be very much there as me, and yet I would be within Her. She would envelope my total being, and yet I would be aware of it.
Was it a state of ecstasy, as described by Swami Nikhilananda, in which the devotee retains his ego and enjoys communion with the Personal God? Was it Bhaav Samaadhi?
This all was very spontaneous, without aid of a guide, or, without former practice of devotional discipline that could have led me to such situation. How or why, I did not understand then, nor did I try to.
I was so much immersed in what I was passing through that I had no inclination to ask myself any questions. The experience of bliss was so immense that nothing else mattered. What, why, how, all these remained beyond the sphere of my thoughts; all that mattered was, that I was experiencing then.
Now that I am searching for a name, this is what I am led to quite unconsciously. That was the first thought that occurred to me as to where to look into [Bhaav Samaadhi]. If this is not the right name, what is the right name, and how does it matter? My love for Her is still with me, which I experienced when I was writing about it yesterday. That is all that matters to me, names do not!
Bhaav — Existence; feeling; emotion; ecstasy;
Samaadhi — also denotes "any of the five attitudes that a dualistic worshipper assumes towards God. The first of these attitudes is that of peace; assuming the other four, the devotee regards God as the Master, Child, Friend, or Beloved."
This all was about what had happened. Nevertheless, the questions that I had sought answers to, during the period I was gradually being dragged back to the awareness of the material world, had eluded me for quite some time.
What could have led me to those experiences, one after the other in quick succession, and in such depth? What was behind all this? Who was behind all this?
I had no training; I had no prior association with any religious or spiritual organization; I had no guide, Guru.
Things of this nature cannot happen just from nowhere. There has to be the seed somewhere. There has to be a connection with something. There has to be a cause and effect relationship between the events and their root somewhere, howsoever obscure it may be!
When in August 2000, for the first time, glimpses of my prior births were revealed to me, I saw some light, some explanation to my questions, but not sufficiently.
The connection between my prior birth and the events of this birth did show me the root, but it did not explain to me the process. I still wanted to know ‘how’, while I had only known ‘why’?
I had known what I was in my prior birth, and what led to my present birth. I could understand the natural tendency for the return of my past birth attributes, in the form of my present birth aptitudes. I could also understand their return only after the incidence of fatal cardiac arrest in this birth, which was like a second life to me in this birth. So much for ‘why’, that I was searching answers to.
Nevertheless, ‘how’ still deluded me; I wanted to know, if it was the part of natural mechanism of the cosmic management? Does this happen to anybody in my situation? Is this one of the laws of creation that it should happen in this manner?
I wanted to know the universal system that governs it all. I learnt it only after I was exposed to the BhagavadGita, but it did take me time to unravel the meanings that lay behind the Shloks in BhagavadGita.
In this manner — I do not use the words ‘in this manner’ in relation to the precise steps involved in the events of my life; I mean globally ‘in this manner’; particulars of the steps involved in each individual’s life can very well be different because no two individuals are identical in every possible manner.
Toronto, Canada, after 9 Nov 2001
It was only after 10 November 2001 that I was able to get some feel of the answer to the question that I had been asking myself again and again, and the source happened to be BhagavadGita:
"Arjun' asks:
O Mahaabaaho! On the way to attaining Brahm', a Yogi who lost his way and drifted away, does he become shelter-less? Does he belong neither to the world, nor to the God? Does he get shattered, like a torn cloud? Does he have no refuge at all"
On being asked so by Arjun, Shri Bhagawaan said:
"O Paarth'! That man perishes neither in this world, nor in the other world. O Dear! No man is ever subjected to decay, if he works for raising the Soul within him".
"O Kurunandan'! That man attains with ease, his prior accumulation of spiritual wisdom, from his previous birth and earlier body, and with its influence, he attempts once again, with even greater determination and effort than ever before, to attain his goal.
Because of continuous practice during prior births, he keeps being drawn, as if not being within his own power, towards the complete attainment of his object.
With the help of perfection acquired through the course of many prior births, such Yogi, practicing with effort and dedication, becomes accomplished in this life itself; and (by neutralizing all his Karm'), he attains the Supreme State."
Source — BhagavadGita Chapter 6 Shlok 38, 40, 43, 44, and 45
The vision : Mumbai, Yogeeta, Monday, 16 Sep 2002, little before dawn
I would feel this body like a cage. The soul in the body, like the bird in the cage, would flutter for its freedom. But no matter, howsoever it may try, it remains trapped in the cage!
I would have the vision, me riding a horse, racing with the speed of the wind, running alongside the train, trying to leave it behind, thoughts racing through my mind:
I am coming, I am coming! At the end of the horizon, He is waiting for me, my eternal Father, my eternal Mother, my eternal Friend, my Origin, my End! The train running at a set speed was like the life itself, and me trying to beat it, and reach Him!
Lying in the bed, in the middle of the night I would ask Him:
Where did I lose 'You'? Let me lose anything but not 'You' this time!
A drop of tear would roll down my eyes.
Pain of losing everything else would be on one side, and the pain of losing 'Him' would be on the other side; and, I would not want to trade 'Him' for anything. One lifetime I wasted in desire of these worldly attractions, only to learn how futile they are in comparison to the beauty of 'His' love!
2
Who was the Guru guiding through the process Leading to Nirvikalp Samaadhi, Bhaav Samaadhi, and explaining the meanings of BhagavadGita?
The entire process leading to spontaneous total blankness - Oneness with the Unknown - and subsequent returns there from, were self-evolved, spontaneous, something that happened by itself. I had not been initiated, as it happens traditionally.
I had heard that every person needs a Guru for showing the way to the Supreme, and I had always perceived that such Guru would only be a living human, but I did not have any.
How was my mind flooded with the name of God when I would be at work and at home? Why would I cry like a lost child for the Divine Mother? Why would I become so averse to money, and feel unburdened after giving away all I had? Why would I want to mix only with people who would want to speak of 'Him' alone?
Why would I want to give up my freewill and want only to be guided by 'Him'? Why would I want to feel myself 'His' servant with no ego present in me?
What brought their occurrences within such a short period, changing in shades and colors one after the other or, mixing up with one another?
In retrospect, it feels as if there was a hurry to live in each situation and quickly move to the next stage?
Who helped me in my spontaneous return to the deep esoteric knowledge of BhagavadGita? I did not read or listen to any commentaries on BhagavadGita; how was I able to understand, connect, and interpret them?
Who took me through the whole process, guided me all through this journey; who led me to it all?
They always remained out of my sight, and yet so very real to me: my Isht'Dev' Shri Siddhi Vinaayak', my Aaraadhya Shri Naaraayan, and Shri RaamKrishn' Param'Hans' Dev' who transported me into the devotional madness for Divine Mother!
Esoteric (dictionary definition) — "Intended for or likely to be understood by only a small number of people with specialized knowledge or interest".
I was lying down, when on my thoughts, surfaced the term ‘deep esoteric knowledge’. I was up, looked in the dictionary, and found it befitting; so, I added it here.
The knowledge of BhagavadGita is intended for those souls who have attained a certain level in their evolution and is likely to be absorbed by only a small number of people with specialized interest. Most souls will ignore its knowledge even if it is served on a silver platter!
Why go far, millions of Hindus keep BhagavadGita at their home, in the place of worship with great reverence, but how many have read it, leave aside trying to understand it? I, myself, had it at my home for many years but never looked inside it, until the time came and it led me to it by itself!
The interesting part is that I do not remember having ever before used in my writings or in my speech the word ‘esoteric’ or having ever before looked at its meaning in a dictionary. I may probably have read it somewhere in distant past and assumed some meaning for that, in the given context, but I could not be sure about this. How then, did the word surface on my mind at a place appropriate?
This was just an example. I have noticed many times that concepts, phrases, explanations, etc. float on my mental plane, from where I do not know. It is 'Him', who prompts me from behind the curtain.
Shri Siddhi Vinaayak is another name of Lord Ganesh, who is known as the God of knowledge. Ved'Vyaas' narrated and Shri Ganesh penned the epic MahaaBhaarat', which contains BhagavadGita
Shri Naaraayan is the personification of the Supreme Soul. Naaraayan means goal of every individual soul. Shri Krishn is His Avataar, who delivered the message of BhagavadGita to Arjun at KuruKshetr'
It is true that we all need a Guru, who would generally be a living human, but there could
be exceptions that I learned much later from the following Shlok, which always preceded the
Shlok ‘Nityam dhyaayanti Yoginah’ which led me to spontaneous Samaadhi during February 1999:
GururBrahma GururVishnuh GururDeo Maheshwarah, GuruSsaakshaat' Param' Brahm' Tasmai
Shri Gurave Namah!
Meaning :
"The Guru is none other than Brahmaa; He verily is Vishnu, and He truly is the Maheshwar''. He is the Supreme Spirit Himself. To such a Guru I offer my salutations!
The intent of the above Shlok, as I have now understood, is: When the soul attains a certain stage in its journey towards the Supreme Soul, the Supreme Soul Itself assumes the role of the Guru, and thereafter leads the soul to the desired path!
Brahm' — In this Shlok', when written in Sanskrit script, ब्रह्म Brahm' has been used for the Supreme Soul, impersonal God (not Brahman). I wouldn't deny Brahman is also correct as a Sanskrit term but I shall use only Brahm' ब्रह्म as it appears in श्रीमद्भगवद्गीता ShrimadBhagavadGeeta
Brahmaa — Brahm', as the Creator
Vishnu — Brahm', as the Preserver
Maheshwar — Brahm', as the annihilator, the one who triggers the dissolution of the creation process, only to pave the way for yet another new creation!
Supreme Spirit — Brahm', as impersonal God, the Supreme Spirit
Guru — Shri RaamKrishn Param'Hans' Dev used to say: Satchidaanand' is the Guru! [Sat-Chit-Aanand' = Existence-Knowledge-Bliss, the Absolute, Brahm']
The Supreme Soul, who guided me all through this journey, is He without Form the Supreme Spirit, or is He with Form the Naaraayan? Let us try to look at it in a different way.
I have a body now, so you see me in Form. After I give up this body, you will not see me in this Form. So, in your opinion, do I have a form or, do I have no form?
When I have acquired this form, it is real. When I give up this form, it will still be real. Only two different forms of the same reality!
Why then would you want to waste your intellect debating on whether my ‘this form’ is real, or my ‘no form’ will be real?
Why would you want to remain trapped in such petty debates? What of essence, would you gain out of that?
Rise above the pleasures of intellectual pursuits, and come to experience the Truth as it is.
Then, all questions will disappear. Only He will remain!
Toronto, Canada, Aug - Nov 1996
It was in August 1996 that I met SH. As I entered her office and sat down before her, she said that you have a spiritual aura around you.
Shortly thereafter, between August and November 1996, I called PK on phone for enquiring something but line was engaged. Soon after he called back and said he wanted to meet me, if possible now. He also said on the phone that he sensed a spiritual aura about me, and he said it again when I met him at his place same afternoon.
I filed both incidences in my mind, as rather odd occurrences, but did not attach much significance to them because I did not fully understand the implications. Looking back I realize that those were the days when I had begun my journey back toward God.
In the mornings, as I would leave my house, I would be caught by the stunning beauty of the Nature and remember God’s presence all around! I still remember it vividly, and I had written about it to my mother in India.
I remember of the late nights waiting for TTC bus, in the midst of snow and ice, enjoying the wait, remembering God! The wait about the middle of the night, after attending school from about sunrise till eleven in night, did not seem to me like a wait. For, I would be floating in 'His' realm!
Then were the evenings of May to August 1997, I would be walking after the day’s work for about a mile or so, looking towards the sky, seeing God’s images amongst the clouds!
SH — Native Canadian Lady (whom we Indians refer to as Red-Indian, while North American people referred to them as Indian; however, the term "native" better describes them) (I do not remember her full name now after 14 years 2010-07-26) Her office — meeting was at her office, situated at Kennedy in North York, Toronto
PK — Indian Gentleman (I do not remember full name now after 14 years 2010-07-26) (I think now K stood for Kapoor) He called back — I asked him, how he got my number, to which he said that it was displayed on his phone. I had not yet seen a phone with visual display. A year later I purchased a separate Caller ID instrument At his place — It was at 964 Albion Road, Toronto ON M9V 1A7
In 2002 when I documented these I had their full names but unfortunately I did not write them down then. I used initials like SH, PK, etc. in those days because I thought their full names were not that important. [2011-05-16, 01:10 AM]
In the mornings — It was about November / December 1996 when I was living at 915–7 Crescent Place, Etobicoke, Toronto, Canada
Waiting for TTC bus — In front of Honeywell’s at Victoria Park, North York, Toronto
Seeing God’s images — The walk from Softkey’s TaxPrep, 2700 Matheson Blvd East, Mississauga ON L4W 4V9 to the first TTC bus stop, in the beautiful Canadian summer
Venezia, Italia, 12 July 2002
Recently I was at Venice for three weeks at the invitation of retired Prof. D. Meo. After the air journey, I was stretching myself at the terrace garden that evening while Prof. Meo was watering the plants. I opened my eyes momentarily and found Prof. Meo sitting on the chair, looking intently at my face, eyes narrowed and focused. I closed my eyes. After a while I opened my eyes again, and found her in the same state. Later, on my enquiry she said about White Light surrounding my face.
It was probably the same night, in the dimly lit living room, as I turned my face towards Prof. Meo I noticed her looking at me, again with similar intensity as in the afternoon, and with narrowed focused eyes. Watching my face, she asked me:
"Who are you?"
I do not remember what I replied to her, but I do remember asking her about why she asked me that question. The same was her reply that there was a "White Light"" surrounding my face.
What I realize now is that some people can, at some time, either sense or see something about me that I myself cannot. I would suspect that this would happen only with such people who have the innate ability to sense or see (not with all people) and, not even with such people, all the time.
Related — Logic doesn't travel to lands our knowledge has not traversed yet
That evening — It was 12 July 2002 at Via Felisati 4, 30171–Venezia Mestre, Italia
Prof. D. Meo — 10 years elder to me, retired this year (2002). She is no superstitious person. Being agnostic, she is likely to be more skeptical than any average believer. She is the retired professor of literature, a linguist, and a widely read person of sharp intellect, as I came to know her.
She was born as a Catholic, later turned an agnostic, now developing keen interest in BhagavadGita. Though, my stay was brief, few of her questions and suggestions inspired me significantly, and their effect was bound to reflect in my future works.
On 13 October 2002, I sent a copy of this work to Prof. Meo. I informed the page numbers of this work where I had mentioned her. On 14 October 2002, she confirmed all details, without any change.
2011-05-16, 01:43 AM — edited 2011-11-25 05:24 PM — I spent 2 weeks at Venezia in 2002. After that I have not set foot on foreign soil as I got immersed in writing. After completion of this book I started working on Arise Arjun' : Awaken my Hindu Nation, followed by Christianity in a different Light : Face behind the Mask, and so many others. It was Professor Meo who planted the seed in my mind about the true face of Christianity, which had made her turn agnostic at an early age though born as Catholic Christian.
What I realize now — 2011-11-25 05:27 PM — I also realize that what SH, PK and DM saw in those days, no one will probably see that today. For, I have transformed significantly in the years that came by, the story of which follows hereafter. The agony I had to pass through during my transit from a person immersed in love of Naaraayani Ma Bhav'Taarini to a person who not only looks at the crude reality of the world around but also bears the vision that penetrates far beyond the surface which most other people do not see in such depth as I do.
I had offered my services to Naaraayani Ma Bhav'Taarini unconditionally if I must retain my body and it is SHE who prepared me for this task now I fulfill.
I would have been misfit for this job if I lived in the world where I lived before, where there was no pain, where there was only love, remaining immersed in the thoughts of Sat-Chit-Aanand'.
That way I would have made a way for my Moksh' मोक्ष but what would have happened to millions around?
Naaraayani Ma Bhav'Taarini Rakt'Beej' Sanhaarini नारायणी माँ भवतारिणी रक्तबीज संहारिणी probably had different plans for me and for the people around. What you will get to see through my works will be only the tip of the iceberg, the might of which even experienced sailors fail to see only to be hit by what remains floating underneath, leading to a massive ship-wreckage.
When all hell broke loose
26 Dec 2011, 15:49 +05:30
I was reviewing this web page, when I was reminded of an episode from Naren's life and thought it could be a good beginning:
...Gopal, frightened, ran upstairs to the Master. Sri Ramakrishna only said: "Let him stay that way for a time. He has worried me for long enough."
After another long period Narendra regained full consciousness. Bathed in peace, he went to the Master, who said: Now the Mother has shown you everything. But the revelation will remain under lock and key, and I shall keep the key. When you have accomplished Mother's work you will find the treasure again."
Some days later, Narendra being alone with the Master, Sri Ramakrishna looked at him and went into Samaadhi. Narendra felt the penetration of a subtle force and lost all outer consciousness. Regaining presently the normal mood, he found the Master weeping.
Sri Ramakrishna said to him: "Today I have given you my all and now I am only a poor fakir, possessing nothing. By this power you will do immense good in the world, and not until it is accomplished will you return." Henceforth the Master lived in the disciple.
The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna, originally recorded in Bengali, in five volumes, by M, a disciple of the Master, ISBN 0-911206-01-9, p72
Later, Naren came to be known as Swami Vivekananda. As Naren, on his insistence, his Master had allowed him a taste of Nirvikalp' Samaadhi for a brief period. He mentioned later, if Naren was allowed to stay longer in similar state he would come to realize who he was, and then he would want to give up the body. This would leave the task undone for which he was born.
The remaining part of this page was written in 2002 after my return from Venezia, Italia:
Saturday, 13 March 1999
Storm that 'shattered all' at 'Her' Will — For, Divine Mother wanted my Return
This process of daily retreats to the total blankness - Oneness with the Unknown - went on for over a month, and then on Saturday 13 March 1999, something happened that totally removed me out of that state.
Quoting Romain Rolland from The Life of Ramakrishna [1928] page 42 :
“Then Ramakrishna intoned the Canticle of the Divine Mother. Come to Me! Either through Love (Bhakti), through Knowledge (Gyaan) or through Action (Karm), for all lead to God.
I will lead you through this world, the Ocean of action. And if you wish it, I will give you the knowledge of the Absolute as well. You cannot escape from Me. Even those who have realized the Absolute in Samaadhi return to Me at My will.”
Therefore, my return was inevitable. For, many more experiences of different type were yet to come. After those experiences, a predestined task was to be completed. Thus, I was led to another state of spiritual experience.
Canticle (Wikipedia) — A canticle (from the Latin canticulum, a diminutive of canticum, song) is a hymn (strictly excluding the Psalms) taken from the Bible. The term is often expanded to include ancient non-biblical hymns such as the Te Deum and certain psalms used liturgically.
16 July 2010
More than eleven years have passed by now. Over this period I have come to understand why my return was necessary.
Remaining in a state of Sthit'Pragya स्थितप्रज्ञ would have rendered me misfit to carry out the task that was in store for me.
It was the will of Ma Bhav'Taarini भवतारिणी that I had to return to this Bhav'Saagar' भवसागर. Ma Bhav'Taarini भवतारिणी had to prepare me for the challenges of this Bhav'Saagar भवसागर and next couple of years of preparation was needed for that.
To deal with the challenges of this Bhav'Saagar भवसागर one needed to stay within the ambit of Maya माया and develop a vision that would penetrate far beyond the smokes screen that doesn't let others see through.
Without the ability to work from within the ambit of Maya माया one would not be able to break the cordon that casts the spell and makes truth appear like untruth, and untruth appear like truth.
I have come to realize over these years that I would have to first pay back my debts ऋण to Dharti Mata धरती माता before I become worthy of Bhav'Taaran' भवतारण.
Therefore, having realized the Absolute in Samaadhi I had to return at the will of Ma Bhav'Taarini भवतारिणी. The events that took place on Saturday 13 March 1999, and thereafter, were only triggers to set in motion the phenomenon of my return.
17 July 2010, 1:51 PM
I also came to realize that I have to stay within the ambit of Maya माया and yet I have to stay away from Moh'-Maya मोह-माया; and if I failed, I would go back much behind and again, have to work my way through. It wasn't easy but having realized through Samaadhi समाधि as to where I have come from it wasn't that difficult either.
It is not that I did not slip down to the grip of Moh-Maya thereafter. I did, again and again. But then I came out of it unscathed after a while. Sometime I recovered quickly and sometime it took longer, and at times it took very long.
The grip of Moh-Maya मोह-माया could be so strong at times that I wouldn't want to come out of it. That is when Naaraayani Ma Bhav'Taarini नारायणी माँ भवतारिणी stepped in and created such circumstances that I would not want to stay within it.
Yes, 'She' let me experience the 'Oneness with the Unknown (The Absolute)' and thus, transported me beyond the ambit of Maya माया. Then 'She' only brought me back within the ambit of Maya माया because I had yet to fulfill my other obligations towards the humanity before I could qualify for my final release from the bondage of Maya / cycle of birth and death.
Arrival of Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna from Flemingdon Library
Around this time, I felt an innate desire for reading spiritual material. For long, I had been out of touch with spiritual material. The last memory of significant study of spiritual material goes back to my very early age, between eight and nine, when I completed reading the epic কৃত্তিবাসী রামায়্ণ Raamaayan', which I think ran into more than thousand pages (roughly 11.5" x 9"), from beginning till end, with a fervent desire.
Using the computer system of the Toronto Public Library, I placed hold on all relevant titles that I could spot and that held my interest. Every week thereafter, I started getting a bunch of books. I kept skimming through the pages, but none held my interest except one on Taantrik Buddhism.
What I was looking for was nowhere there. Finally arrived the last one The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna recorded by "M" and translated by Swami Nikhilananda. This book (the unabridged edition) gripped me totally, and transported me to a new horizon.
As I read the book, I felt as if I have known everything contained in it. AAs if all the conversations were recorded in that book in my presence or, for me, over a century ago. It was an amazing feeling. Curiously enough, in my present life, until then, I had never known about the existence of this book.
As I completed reading it, I felt as if every word had sunk within me without requiring a second reading. I could think, feel, and live by it for almost two years thereafter, until I was gradually exposed to BhagavadGita.
Raamaayan — My grandmother also had the epic MahaaBhaarat but somehow I did not develop any interest in it then. BhagavadGita is part of MahaaBhaarat.
Taantrik Buddhism — Snowboarding to Nirvana by Frederick Lenz, Ph.D., http://www.himalaya.com/
As I completed reading it — The due date for return to the library; arrived, and no extensions were permissible as there was a queue of people, who had also put up a request for it. I did not have the patience to wait for my turn at the end of the queue, and therefore I went to Vedanta Society of Toronto [Ramakrishna Mission], and bought a copy of it.
Living in two planes of consciousness at the same time
During the time to come, I remained in a state of a different kind of consciousness. There were two kinds of consciousness present most of the time.
At work, with one kind of consciousness, I would be working on the physical plane where my mind would be focused at the work in totality without a distraction, and functioning as always and as sharply as before.
At work, with the other kind of consciousness, my mind would be continuously flooding with the name the God. This would not be a conscious act, because I would not be thinking about it in the manner I would be thinking about the work, and yet the name of God would be flooding through my mind from where, I would not know.
At home, I would be lying down in the bed or on the carpeted floor, while my mind would be flooding with the name of Divine Mother. The body and its muscles all over would be mildly tightening, in a peculiar manner, as if gripping me with a great feeling and experience, that now I am at loss of words to describe. I remember I would not want to get out of that experience. The process would continue for hours, or for most of the day. Blissfully, I would remain in the thoughts of Divine Mother.
At work | Continuously flooding with — Suite 918–555 Richmond Street West, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M5V 3B1 (1999 February to March second week)
At home — 402–725 Don Mill Rd, North York, Canada – this was during April-July 1999
Divine Mother is the personification of the Supreme Soul in Its female aspect
physical plane — plane: a level of development, existence, or achievement
June - July 1999
Becoming very emotional in a deep devotional sense
From about June-July 1999, things started changing and I tended to become very emotional in a deep devotional sense.
I would often cry like a lost child, from the very depth of my heart for the Divine Mother; tears would flood through my eyes. The feeling of love for God was so intense that nothing else around me would matter.
At North York District Library in Canada, I found an audiocassette belonging to the forgotten yesteryears. It was in Bengali, titled as কালো মেযের পাযের তলায় Kaalo Meyer Paayer Taulaay, sung by Mrinal Kaanti Ghosh. Its appeal to me was stupendous! I would go into a state as if I was talking to the Divine Mother, spontaneously bursting into spell of cries, in course of singing along with Mrinaal Kaanti Gosh.
Listening to him, I would feel the pang of having lost my mother, I like a small child on the road, lost in the crowd, searching for my Mother who would pick me up in Her arms, and love me. I would ask Her why She had deserted me, left me unescorted in the crowd of this mad world, why do I have to be part of these sufferings!
As I write these lines now, for the first time after a long time, tears rolled down my eyes. I can feel those days back, and the feeling is so beautiful! There is nothing like this, in the dryness of Knowledge, and the Oneness of total blankness.
The way love can fill our heart, and wash the dirt from our mind, is something that can only be experienced, not expressed!
Bhakti'Yog' — Emotional in a deep devotional sense Probably, it happens with many.
Quoting Romain Rolland in his book The Life of Ramakrishna [1928] at page 25 — “The way of Bhakti was the way the blind instinct of Ramakrishna had unconsciously adopted from the first. But he knew nothing of its winding and lurking ambushes.”
Aug - Sep 1999
Money Wealth Assets all became insignificant to me
I would not want to have anything to do with money if I possibly could, in those days. I would not want to think of money; I would almost hate the thought of it.
In August and September 1999, I signed two legal documents giving away all my assets, leaving not a penny to myself, except my monthly salary for ongoing expenses.
After this, I felt so light within myself, and had a delightful feeling that finally I would no more be required of carrying the burden of property. It could have been the transitory stage of Sannyaas'Yog' in my life, in a very limited way.
Giving away all my assets — On my own volition, I executed two legal documents at the Law Office situated in a nearby Mall at Overlea Boulevard, North York, Toronto, Canada M4H 1C3. I used to visit this Mall for cash withdrawals through ABM [Any Bank Machine] and while doing so I spent my leisure time in window shopping. The lawyer's name was Said Mohammedally, Barrister, Solicitor & Notary Public. He had his Law Office at this Mall.
added on 2010 10 17 from BhagavadGita Gyaan'Karm'Sannyaas'Yog 4:28 — "Some people sacrifice their material wealth or, their Tap तप or, their Yog' in form of Yagya".
Toronto, end of 1999
Take my worldly responsibilities away, Ma Bhav'Taarini...
written at Yogeeta, 25 September 2002
Somewhere about this time, I appealed to the Divine Mother to take my worldly responsibilities away, so that I may keep undiluted attention towards my journey to ‘Her’.
About the end of 1999, Divine Mother started removing them from me, gradually, and surgically.
As Ma Bhav'Taarini took them away from me, ‘She’ took them upon ‘Herself’.
But I had not understood this until now that I sit down to write these lines.
I begged of Ma Bhav'Taarini to take full control of my life and..
I begged Her to take control of my life, and use it the way She would want. I would want to feel devoid of any personal desire or freewill. I would want Her to exercise my freewill on my behalf. I would not want to have any freewill to myself, by handing over my total existence to Her. I would not want any of my egos; all of it dissolved into Her, the Divine Mother.
I would want to see Him as my Master, with complete surrender of my ego unto Him, the Supreme Soul. He would be my Master and I would be His servant, entirely dedicated to Him. The state of my inner feelings in those days is not very easy to describe.
All that I can say is that I was in total समर्पण भाव Samarpan' Bhaav' towards Shri Naaraayan' / Naaraayani Ma Bhav'Taarini.
In those days, I could be very oblivious of worldly needs...
In those days, I could be very oblivious of worldly needs, and live entirely in Her realm.
During this period, some intricate details of cosmic functioning opened up in my mind, during meditations. Of one of them, I have the vivid memory, as if it were happening just before my eyes, as a continuous process.
II remained in Her realm, in a state of bliss. This experience was, however, very different. It was not like the one I had earlier in February 1999.
in Her realm — The Divine Mother, Bhav’Taarini, One who frees us from the bondages of the mortal world, and whom Shri RaamKrishn worshipped
BhagavadGita Adhyaay 2 — Shlok 64-65 — But whose mind is under control, who is devoid of pleasure or envy, who remains independent within himself; such person lives with the sense-objects (without avoiding them) and yet, retains the purity of his soul and attains the calm. Attaining this state of mind, all his grieves end. Soon he attains stable wisdom. 2010 10 17
I did not see any difference then between 'Him' and 'Her'
I would be in love with 'Him', 'He' being everything to me, the very basis of my existence. This feeling was something that enveloped my whole being into a kind of bliss that is difficult to express in words.
In this state, the difference between 'He' and 'She', the Supreme Soul in 'Its' male and female aspects, would not matter. However, as far I recollect now, most of my emotional overtures would be directed towards the Divine Mother, as 'Her' child.
Now that I am out of that mental makeup, I have only recollections of those relationships that were like mother and child, and/or master and servant.
I did not see any difference then between 'Him' and 'Her'. Sometimes I would take fancy in experiencing the company in one form, and sometimes in another form.
Master and servant while perceiving 'Him' as Shri Naaraayan
Mother and child while perceiving 'Her' as Naaraayani Ma Bhav'Taarini
Forgetting Him, we fight; remembering Him, we unite!
With time, I was to learn that Naaraayan is the revelation of the male aspect, and Divine Mother Bhav’Taarini the revelation of the female aspect.
This creation has originated from the Supreme Soul, and this creation requires blending of the male and female aspects.
To give shape to this creation the Supreme Soul Itself assumes male and female aspects.
Now I can perceive these, but earlier I could not. For perception to me, is nothing but experiencing it. He knew my limitation and He led me to the understanding of it.
For me now, He is the only Truth that is permanent. Life has taught me that every other truth, at best, is transitory!
In that state of mind names did not matter. Loving God did.
Those who do not love God sincerely enough, but say that they do; only such people fight over the names!
Such people try to establish that they alone are right. Where does the right and wrong matter, when we are in His realm?
When we are in love with Him or Her, all those distinctions of name, religion, cult, and faith, all that disappear, only remains one reality that is He!
Forgetting Him, we fight; remembering Him, we unite!
In that state of mind I could not have performed the task I was to be entrusted later. And for that reason, Ma Bhav'Taarini pulled me back to this whirlpool of Maya माया. However, it did take me considerable time to get accustomed to that, as we will come to notice as we progress through this narrative. 19 July 2010 03:10 AM +0530
Veil of Maya माया at play, and my Struggle to escape
Even after return from Nirvikalp Samaadhi—the realm beyond Maya —I was thrown back into the world of माया Maya again and again. For, I was to be put on a different job which needed full exposure to माया Maya and its ways. This I came to understand years later. [1]
Many a times I had asked 'Ma' to take me away as I had no use for my body but then 'She' wouldn't listen to it. Much later I realized that 'She' had a task carved out for me, and I could not give this body until I played my part of the role in this larger game plan.
[1] February 2011, 05:28 AM | updated 15 May 2011, 05:55 AM
Late Dec 1999 onwards —
Beginning of the Return to the World of माया Maya
Living in 'His' / 'Her' realm may have been bliss, but the time for honeymoon was over. Now was the time to face the harsh realities of the world once again. From these realizations were to emerge another source of knowledge that would benefit many.
The return, however, would not be so easy. There would be instances that would want to drag me back to the material world, quite forcibly against my will. I would want to resist, and I would be able to do so but only for some length of time. Then some kind of external force would mysteriously create yet another new situation, and it would want to drag me out, again. The inner struggle would be intense, and invariably I would lose, every time a bit by bit.
The process started shortly before Christmas of 1999 and continued through after my return to India. I was being brought back to the gradual awareness of the material world. This transition was very painful, as I did not want to return.
The process had left me confused as to why was I being dragged back to those worldly realizations, which I had once left far behind and had no inclination to return to.
Return from the realm of love and beauty to the world of crude realities was not easy. It would create many waves on the mental plane. The disturbances at emotional level would be quite unsettling.
Through 2000 —
Divine Mother would lift the veil occasionally and drop it again
The Divine Mother would lift the veil occasionally, and I would be able to see through clearly. I would know why it was all happening to me. I would have no regrets. I would understand Her fully and Her ways as well.
I would see that whatever is happening is part of a much larger script being enacted at the stage of this world, and myself as only one small part of that script, only an actor enacting my own role in it.
Then the veil would be dropped before my eyes again, and I would react to each situation as a person, who sees only that much, as much is visible. My thoughts, actions, emotions would be guided by my ego, where I would be employing my free will the way I would choose.
Again, the veil would be lifted temporarily, and I would see the futility of my thoughts and actions. I would see clearly that I was being part of a larger game plan, simply an instrument.
At that time, however, I would not understand that the game was 'not' drawn at Her whim and fancy. Its seed remained buried in the actions of my present and my past, and the direction towards which my future was now taking shape to.
There would be a constant tug-of-war between two opposing forces: one that would be driven by my ego that would want control over my free will; and the other: my surrender of ego to Her, where I had appealed Her to take control of my life in Her own hands.
The hide and seek would continue thus, alternately repeating the process, with intervals, when the veil would be lifted, and then dropped again.
I mentioned it to my friend Hans Dhingra about it as he was driving me to the Pearson International Airport at Toronto, but I am not sure if I was able to convey to Him properly what I wanted to say, because he made no response. For, such things can only sound like riddles without self-experience. With self-experience, they may appear as clear as an image in a clean mirror.
Life is like a puzzle, with only few pieces of the puzzle given to us at a time. Putting together few pieces alone, we never get the full picture!
Toronto, Feb-Apr 2000 —
Those two drives before returning to India that I cannot forget
I have been visiting the temples quite frequently, now for about one and half year, and I had come to know the routes very well. I remember one specific incidence that I was driving to Oakville from North York, and through the drive, my mind was flooded with the thought Ma…Ma…Ma…it was the thought of my Divine Mother.
My eyes were glued on the highway and the signs of passing exits, but my mind was flooded with emotions for Mother. I was driving quite mechanically, more like a machine (having put my Ford Taurus in auto-drive mode), on that fast flow of traffic where I would be on a moderate speed of 110-120 as compared to most others who were passing by quickly ahead of me. I was in two kinds of consciousness then, with one managing the traffic, with the other oblivious of the surroundings diving into the love of Divine Mother.
I believed that my eyes were glued at the overhead signs of passing exits, and I was constantly looking for Bronte Exit. It probably arrived and passed by, while I remained oblivious of it in thoughts of the Mother, and at some point of time, I came to realize that I was driving on an unfamiliar road, probably heading towards Hamilton or Niagara Falls (I think now the overhead signs said so). I had to return and with difficulty, I found my way back to Oakville Vaishnodevi temple.
Something very similar happened after sometime when I was heading towards yet another well-known destination Vedanta Society of Toronto (Ramakrishna Mission). My mind was flooded with the name of Divine Mother; I lost the way to Ramakrishna Mission. With a long detour, I arrived there finally. I had scheduled an appointment with Swami Promathananda.
After tea together in his chamber we went up to the hall upstairs and then, I narrated both the incidences to him, and enquired why does it happen like that? I think this second incidence was sometimes in March or April 2000, because I visited him to speak about my desire to visit Kamarpukur, the birthplace of Shri RaamKrishn, for saadhna (spiritual discipline).
As I left Ramakrishna Mission, on my way back the same question resurfaced my thoughts. Why is it that I lost my way to Vaishnodevi Temple and to Ramakrishna Mission, though I had driven on those routes so many times, and I knew the routes by heart; and it happened only on those few occasions when my mind would be flooded with the name of my Divine Mother?
As I continued driving back home (from Ramakrishna Mission), suddenly from nowhere the answer stormed my mental plane: “Where are you looking for Me? At Vaishnodevi temple or Ramakrishna Mission or Kamarpukur? Why, I am here; right in your heart, in your mind, in your whole being! You go all the way there, in search of Me? What for? Just look for Me within yourself, and you will find Me right there, with you”!
After that, I did not need to go out looking for Her, elsewhere. Nevertheless, I did retain the desire to visit Kamarpukur, other places of pilgrimage in India, and Mother Teresa’s in Calcutta.
I could, however, visit Kamarpukur only as late as in September 2001, and after reaching there, I came to the same realization! I returned immediately and the desire, to visit other places, was extinguished.
Passing by quickly : I also noticed a Police car passed by me, breaking the speed limits displayed, though it wasn't chasing any one
I narrated both the incidences to him : On 17 October 2002, I sent a copy of this work to Swami Promathananda. I informed him that I had mentioned his name on this page.
March or April 2000 : this was the time I was allowed by Hugh Molyneux (in principle) leave from work (dates not decided yet) for pilgrimage (in India)
Same question resurfaced : Rationalist would want to argue that my mind was not actively present while I was watching the road signs, and therefore, I missed the appropriate exit. However, I would not buy that, because it only describes the process, the mechanism as to how it could have happened, but not something that lay at the root of it, something more fundamental.
Probably Divine Mother was trying to tell me something that I was not yet able to hear!
For argument sake, let me agree with the rationalistic approach and assume for a moment that my mind was so very absent that, I missed the exit signs (ignoring for the moment that I distinctly remember that my eyes were glued to them and were searching for the specific one). Then I have one question: With such kind of absence of mind, how did I drive on such high-speed roads, for such long distances, without a single violation of traffic rules, and without causing a single accident in the process?
Toronto, Canada, Apr-May 2000 —
They had told others about my having Realized God
As I begin recounting these memories, different incidences keep surfacing on my mental plane. BG and his wife G G had come to look at my Ford Taurus Station Wagon having learnt from HD that I was selling it before my departure from Canada. While BG was test-driving it, G G said:
"Bhaisaheb (Brother)! Would you speak to BG about God? That is all he seeks in his life, and Hans Bhaisaheb said that you have realized God!"
I do not know what had made Hans Dhingra say so to them,
but few days later when I went to HD’s house to leave my briefcase containing my testimonials
and documents (just in case, I ever returned to Canada, I might need them), HD’s wife TD said
in a manner that touched me:
"Bhaisaheb! It is our good fortune that you have come to our home.
Hans was saying that he sat before you, and you were speaking
to him about God, and he felt only if he could stay like that, listening to you like that, for
all the while".
Around that time Francis Yip returned from Hong Kong, and seeing my email that I was leaving Canada for good (we had been out of touch for quite some time; during the days of my upheavals I had lost touch with all my friends), came rushing to see me. We spoke for long and then went out for lunch at an Indian restaurant. Later, I do not remember well exactly when and in what context, he said something like this, referring to our talks on that morning:
"I saw light in your eyes!
As I could not have seen myself, I would not know what all was happening to me around those days, except that I remember now that I was madly in love with Him, call Him God, Divine Mother, or anything else.
G G said : It was about the end of April or beginning of May 2000. At that time they were living at 58 Davisbrook Blvd, Scarborough ON M1T 2J1. Now they have moved. They did not have any email address, when we met last in May 2000. I could not mail them a copy of this work, seeking their permission to my making references to what they had said to me.
That is all he seeks in his life : 2010-09-29 AM 05:46 : BG was associated with Self-Realization Fellowship of Paramahansa Yogananda, and was practicing their Kriya Yoga details of which they were not supposed to reveal to anyone. During the process of Kriya Yoga he had seen huge light exploding in his mind. That's all he shared with me. Self-Realization Fellowship claims that Kriya Yoga teaches you scientific approach to attaining God. With the "scientific" tag attached to it many people who live on that side of planet appear to love it. However, I spoke to him about BhaktiYog because I had personal experience of that. And, frankly I did not believe in any "scientific" approach to attaining God as if it was an experiment conducted in laboratory. More importantly, when some organization claims copyright and trademark on attaining God and wants to hide how to attain God from those who aren't paying for their course, is something, I simply cannot have any respect for.
Hans Dhingra : (2010 Aug) http://ca.linkedin.com/in/hansdhingra
That touched me : It was first week of May 2000 at 90 Beckenridge Drive, Markham ON L3S 3B1, Canada.
Hans : Hans and I came to know each other in February 1998. We became friends after my cardiac arrest. Our friendship was dissolved sometimes around June-July 2000. Two years later, on 17 October 2002, I sent a copy of this work to Hans. I informed him the specific page numbers on which I had mentioned him. I sent the mail to his last known email address, but it returned promptly, undelivered with a comment: invalid recipient. Possibly, he had changed his email address.
Francis Yip is a senior Buddhist Monk, having migrated from Hong Kong, and my classmate at (erstwhile Honeywell's) The Institute for Computer Studies, 155 Gordon Baker Road, Suite 402, North York, Toronto, Ontario M2H 3N5 Canada
Came rushing to see me : It was during first week of May 2000 at 402-725 Don Mill Rd condominium
I saw light in your eyes : On 17 October 2002, I sent a copy of this work to FY. I informed him the specific page numbers on which I had mentioned him.
- BhagavadGita Adhyaay 2 Shlok 70-71-72 "That person (not the one who chases desires) attains true peace whose mind remains steady despite living with all sense-objects, like the ocean that remains stable despite water flowing-in from all directions through river(s). That man finds peace who lives by giving up all desires, remains indifferent and detached, and devoid of ego. O Arjun, this is the state of a God realized person. Having attained this state, he does not get infatuated. When his end comes, he stays in the same state, and attains Brahm". 2010-10-17
Toronto / Borivali / Nerul, Apr-Aug 2000 —
Overwhelmed in भक्तियोग BhaktiYog'
I have one vivid memory of my bursting into loud cry, holding on to the wooden panel of living room wall of my condominium at North York, begging Her for company of such people only with whom I could talk about God through the day and night. It was within one or two weeks before my departure from Toronto in May 2000.
I remember about continuation of this condition even after my return to India in May 2000. Many a poems that I had written those days in being separated from the Divine Mother are in my dairy.
I still have another vivid memory of my singing to Her begging Her to take me away from here into Her own world, asking Her how long will it take more, and then bursting into spell of cry, standing at the bedroom window of my New Bombay house where I lived alone, sometime about June-August 2000.
Written those days : late July 2000 Yogeeta, early August 2000 Shiv Palm Beach
Borivali, Mumbai / Nerul, Navi Mumbai, 2000 —
He had obviously not given me the command to speak for Him, yet!
After my return to India, I would watch in dismay the Indian youth, busy acquiring a Western lifestyle, and would wonder why did I come back here; to see what, this rat race, the rush for materialistic gains; to acquire a Western clothing on an Eastern soul?
I would see people who were at their advanced age, now freed from most of their obligations towards life, whose children had grown up and now capable of supporting themselves. I would see these elderly people having adequate resources to live on their last years of life, but not focused entirely on their journey towards God. I found them occupied with their attachments towards family, friends, television, and so on.
I would feel pain at my heart for them, noticing them whiling away their last days of life, not investing it for attaining Him and Him alone. I would find them religious, but not entirely devoted to Him alone. I would tell them in anguish, why are you wasting these precious remaining years of life, when you have no familial obligations left, why do you not seek Him and Him alone.
I would want to tell them that you are fortunate to have reached this stage in life, but you are not using it properly for what you can, now. I would see that what they are busy with, would not lead them to Him, it will lead them to more of attachments and nothing else. It was the time in their life to grow over those attachments, try to free themselves from those shackles. At times, my anguish for them would be so intense that I would literally shout at them in pain, scold them for losing out this opportunity to seek Him. I would not care that they were elderly people, and I ought to be speaking to them with respect.
I gradually started realizing that the time has not come yet for me to speak to them. For, I did not possess the knack of convincing them properly. My love for Him could be intense, but that does not give me right to speak to others through my anguish over their lifestyle. He had, obviously, not given me the command to speak for Him, yet!
This was all happening around middle to end of the year 2000 when I alternately lived in Bombay and New Bombay
Borivali, Mumbai / Nerul, Navi Mumbai, 2000 —
I was at pain seeing people do not realize they all are...
I was at pain seeing that people do not realize that they all are travelers, and this world is just another station. That, they have made this station as their true home, having lost the knowledge of their true origin and ultimate destination.
I was at pain seeing them under mistaken belief, that it is they, who create what is around them, not realizing that they are only trying to replicate what "He" has already created around them.
I felt helpless seeing men, intoxicated with their quest for technological advances, marching towards that which takes them farther from Him, who has created us all.
Nerul, Navi Mumbai, 2000 —
Distinction between Good people and Bad people had been Obliterated having been permitted to
move beyond Ambit of Maya माया
As I lie down in the bed my mind is transported to the memories of earlier days, when my mental state was such that I could not distinguish between myself, and others. What seemed natural to me seemed natural for others too!
My memory flies back to those long forgotten days, when Shankar and his people were painting my house at Nerul, New Bombay. Those days I lived alone and cooked simple food for myself. I cooked for me and for all them, and then we all sat down on the floor and ate together. They expressed very special feelings about this as in their experience it is not done (in their words : no one does it).
For me the feelings were quite different. I felt it quite gratifying that God gave me the opportunity to cook food for all of them with my own hands and then eat together with them. Few such other instances of different kinds resurfaced on my mind now.
My heart would be filled with compassion and love for others, disregard their faith and religion and nationality, wanting to share resources at my disposal; seeing in everyone the image of the same God whom I worshipped.
That purity of heart I have lost now, having been transported back to the ambit of Maya माया; with only the memory left that living in His world was so very satisfying, where there were no distinctions.
The distinction between good people and bad people had been obliterated in those days. For, I had been permitted to move beyond the ambit of Maya. It was the Will of Ma Bhav'Taarini to let me experience that aspect of life as well so I could appreciate the mental state of people like Shri RaamKrishn ParamHans Deo. All people looked good to me, in those days. I had lost recognition of bad elements in others. Bad in others did not disturb me then. The happiness within me was of a different kind. I felt much more pure within me, because my feelings towards others had become so pure.
Those days : It was probably early June of 2000
Ambit of Maya माया : Having returned to the full awareness of this material world, now, I have lost that purity of thoughts and emotions.
so I could appreciate the mental state of people like Shri RaamKrishn ParamHans Deo :
Now, black appears black, and white appears white. When bad influences my life, now, I feel disturbed.
I did not understand 'then' why 'He' robbed me of that state. I realize 'now' that the task I have had ahead of me could not have been accomplished in that state of mind.
BhagavadGita 4:35 - "O Paandav पाण्डव (Arjun)! Availing this Knowledge you will not be blinded by this kind of Moh' मोह. And with this you will come to see all beings in your soul and within Me". 2010 10 17
Nerul, Jun-Aug, 2000 —
I had hidden close to my chest the desire to become a Sannyaasi
On 7 May 2000 when I left Canada, I had hidden close to my chest the desire to become a Sannyaasi, one who renounces the world, and with that renounces the family name and ties. Therefore, I gave up all that I had including a good well paid permanent job and returned to India with minimum necessary clothes and personal belongings. I had also decided on my new name ‘Samarpit Uske Charno May’ meaning ‘surrendered the self at His feet’. I had hoped to travel on foot through the length and breadth of India.
I began changing my lifestyle. I lived in solitude, slept on floor, washed my clothes with my hands. I cooked food myself, offered them to God and then ate it as Prasaad प्रसाद (His blessing). I had no money of my own. My mother gave me sufficient money for my expenses, but initially I tried to spend as little as possible. I wanted to prepare myself before I could leave home for destinations unknown.
He, my invisible Master, had other plans for me. He had His unique ways to convey that as well. He knew better that He Himself had given me the tenacity not to give up once I have had a resolve in my mind. Simplest way was to put up as many obstructions as possible until finally I got the message.
From June/July I started getting sicknesses one after the other until I felt thoroughly dispirited and wanted to go back to Canada. I booked my flight, postponed it twice, and finally gave up the idea, as I had no physical fitness to start life all over again in Canada without money.
I had become very weak and it had become very clear to me that I did not have the physical fitness to travel anywhere in India, leave aside being on foot! My immune system had become incapable of a single exposure to outside food and water, so where was the question of travel out of Bombay?
Anyhow, finally I got the message that I was not slated to become a Sannyaasi! By now my detachment towards worldly life had considerably diluted. I had other attachments that had come in my way, and I had realized that I had prior birth(s) commitments to fulfill yet. This was all happening around last two months of 2000.
Getting sicknesses one after the other : Finally, I was admitted at the ICCU (Intensive Cardiac Care Unit) of Harish Hospital, Plot No. 22, Sector 3, Nerul, Navi Mumbai 400706 from 24 Aug to 26 Aug 2000
other attachments had come in my way : BhagavadGita 2:59, 60, 61: "When such person withdraws himself from the objects that appeal to his senses, he is not physically gratifying his senses. Yet, deep within him somewhere remains buried the desire. This deep-seated desire also gets extinguished after vision of the Creator. Even if the person is wise, uses proper discretion, puts adequate efforts; yet his powerful senses turn his mind towards attachments. While keeping these senses under control, one should immerse his thoughts in Me". 2010 10 17
Mumbai, Aug-Sep 2000, July 2001 —
Glimpses into my Prior births
During August and September 2000, I learnt certain fragmented details about my prior birth(s). The questions had earlier surfaced my mind repeatedly but I had no access to the answers.
He only knows when the time is right for a soul to have access to certain kind of information. He only triggers the instruments that come in action and carry such knowledge to the destination.
Such things are not in our control, and they do not happen by our choosing. I came to know of them now only by His Grace, at a time He chose.
Subsequent efforts on my part to know more of such information became futile, until He chose again to part with some more fragmented details of one of my prior births, about a year later, in July 2001.
The knowledge of such kind was of significant interest to me, but yet inadequate to explain to my conviction, about the incidences of my retreat to total blankness - Oneness with the Unknown, until I had further exposure to BhagavadGita, which finally set my all doubts at rest!
Aug 1996, Apr/May 1998, Aug/Sep 1998, Aug 2000, Jul 2001 —
Glimpses into the end of this Life
In August 2000, I learnt, with His Grace, something definitive indication about the end of my present birth, and during next month a confirmation of it. About a year later, in July 2001, I had reconfirmation of that; also some additional knowledge about that. About four years ago, in August 1996, I had learnt about it in a different light, but in a definitive way, and again two years later, in August or September 1998 I had confirmation of that, but in those days I retained it in my mind, and did not give due importance to it.
Sometime in April/May 1998, I had an indication about it in yet another different way, but I had then ignored it. Much earlier, about ten twelve years ago, sometime between 1986 and 1990, I had very similar indications but those were very early days for me to have attached any significance to them.
Now looking back in this light, I realize why there had been such a rush during my present birth, to experience this world and this life, and all kind of spiritual experiences as well as the worldly experiences, and to be over with them, as if once for all. Life’s ways are, indeed, very mysterious!
Sometime between 1986 and 1990 : The period has faded away from my memory, and I can only correlate it with the place I was living then, that is, O-9-10 Nensey Complex, Western Express Highway, Borivali East, Bombay 400066
Rush during my present birth : for living through worldly experiences, and re-living through spiritual experiences
and to be over with them, as if once for all : BhagavadGita Adhyaay 4 Shlok 9 - "O Arjun! In this manner, one who truly knows of My Divine Birth and Divine Karm', through his intuition – that conscious person, after giving up the body, meaning after death, does not receive a rebirth. He is received by Me". 2010-10-17
Nerul, early 2001 —
Hidden Treasure of Ancient knowledge
Somewhere around those days, I became aware of the vast treasure of knowledge buried from the days of ancient India, when it was known as BhaaratVarsh. I started buying books and studying a lot. I felt I did not need anything else. I would be happy if I had plenty to read and learn.
I dived into certain branches of Vedic knowledge that were focused at human living and I was amazed to find the in-depth work by ancients. Many a principles I tested on myself, favorable and unfavorable, both types, making myself a guinea pig, only to be proved of their validity.
I also realized the ‘root cause’ why (not how) the knowledgebase had been lost into antiquity. Clearer picture about this ‘why’ emerged, however, only after I had adequate exposure to BhagavadGita.
Somehow, those could not hold my interest for very long, probably because my destination was elsewhere!
Somewhere around those days : early 2001 Shiv Palm Beach, Nerul, New Bombay
Nerul, early 2001 —
Package of out-of-production 'Tapes' that waited for me—rather uncared for at Rhythm House—were
to play an important role in my life in 'Time' to come
Somewhere during this transition, I started listening to a collection of ten audiotapes on BhagavadGita with original Shloks beautifully recited in Sanskrit, and excellent translation (in Hindi) retold exceptionally well by Harish Bhimani. This translation mirrored my experiences very well.
I was drawn toward an old package lying on the shelf of Rhythm House in Bombay. The packaging was partially torn, looked uncared for—unlike other moving items, probably waiting for me. Later, I learnt that this collection was no more available in the market as the manufacturer, Oriental Gramophone Record Company, had closed down its business.
I had bought it without any specific intention at that point of time. Shortly after, as I began to listen the first tape, I simply found no interest in continuing with it. I had even entertained the thought of returning the package to Rhythm House for a refund or exchange with another product!
May be the time was not ripe, then. I was too deep in Bhakti'Yog', and probably I needed time to come out of its spell, and be able to appreciate the deep knowledge of BhagavadGita.
Somewhere during this transition : about early 2001 at Shiv Palm Beach, Nerul, Navi Mumbai
Rhythm House : While typing these lines (Aug-Oct 2002), I called Rhythm House and I was told that they had none left to sell. I realize now that I was led to that box of audiotapes with a definite purpose, not known to me then!
no more available in the market - Wednesday 29 Sept 2010 PM 06:47 - To check if the company has restarted its business or not, I made a search at Google for Oriental Gramophone Record Company and got the address, map and telephone numbers as shown in the attached screenshot. I called the first number and was told that it was a residence; in other words, the phone number that once belonged to Oriental Gramophone Record Company has been assigned to some individual. The second number kept ringing, there was no response. The address shown in screenshot may have been the address at which Oriental Gramophone Record Company may have had its office once upon a time. Google map only indicated the location of that address and may have had nothing to do with the Oriental Gramophone Record Company any more. Information sitting on Internet for a decade or more has become irrelevant and no one had thought of removing it. I have therefore, submitted a report for correction.
Borivali, Mumbai, Nerul, Navi Mumbai 2001 —
Transition from BhaktiYog' भक्तियोग towards Gyaan'Yog' ज्ञानयोग
Months later, as I listened to other cassettes of the same package, I found myself mysteriously drawn towards them, with each Shlok unfolding before me the knowledge, which I felt as if I had known sometime in the distant past. May be this was the beginning of my transition towards Gyaan'Yog', in a limited way.
At times, the answers to the questions that I had been seeking for long came back to me with a flash, as if I had already known them, but somehow I had forgotten about them.
Sometimes, they would unfold before my eyes one by one, as if they were hidden somewhere in my memory from my prior births (because, during present birth, I had read only few Shloks, probably ten, almost three years ago, during August-September 1998).
Audiocassettes contained no explanations at all, yet the meaning of most other Shloks appeared to be so very familiar to me. This all could be beyond familiar logic to many.
At times : It was about mid-2001 at B11/1:3 Shiv Palm Beach, Nerul
Sometimes : It was about Sept-Oct 2001 at 20 Yogeeta, Borivali
This all could be beyond familiar logic to many - BhagavadGeeta 4:33 - Because O Paarth (Arjun)! The end of all Karm'—is Knowledge. 4:37 "O Arjun! As blazing fire consumes all fuel, similarly, fire of Knowledge consumes (reduces to ashes) all Karm'. 4:38 In this world – like Knowledge – there is no other sacred thing. Through Yog' – properly accomplished man – gets this Knowledge – automatically – when time comes". 20101017
Quoting Romain Rolland from his book The Life of Ramakrishna pages 25-26 “The way of Gyaan' is that of the absolute or impersonal God. The way of Bhakti is that of the personal God – at least its pilgrims linger long on the way before finally rejoining the pilgrim of Gyaan”.
Mumbai, 2000 - 2002 —
Money was given back to me with a purpose not to give it away
For many years I held the unshakable faith that 'He' who waters the plants, 'He' who feeds the birds, 'He' would take care of my needs. My faith was blind and 'He' had protected it all along.
By now, good amount of money had come to me in form of large number of stocks in one corporation in which I had once held a very senior position.
I felt, by bringing money to me, Bhav’Taarini, the Divine Mother was probably trying to bind me again. My hands were restless; they would not want to retain money. I started looking for avenues to spend it away. I sent large amounts of money to charitable organizations to feed people; and to send books to public libraries and University libraries in Canada and USA, and to friends in India and overseas. Like this, I kept finding use for money.
I compassionately extended loans to those who would give me an appealing story, without having true intention to return the money. In those days, I felt it was 'His' money, me as the custodian, only to distribute it freely.
Probably Divine Mother had not given me the money for this, and therefore, 'She' gradually made me realize that money at my disposal was limited. That I needed to learn that in today’s world we need to be financially independent in order to be able to do what we need to do and what we want to do.
If I could not keep myself financially independent then soon my mind would be engaged in finding means for survival. If that was what Divine Mother wanted then 'She' would not have brought money to me. She would have let me struggle my way through and earn it for myself. I came to realize that She had given me the money so that I do not worry about my day-to-day needs; instead, focus on something that She would want me to do. I, however, did not know yet what was it that Divine Mother wanted me doing as the time progresses.
Again, Divine Mother had 'Her' unique ways to convey that to me. From July 2000 to August 2001, my stocks (equity shares) gradually lost their market value by 90 to 95 percent. Now they were worth only 5 to 7 percent of their value, as compared to the value when I got them in marketable state by end of July 2000.
I would not want to remain aware of the slide in market value of my assets. There would be others, who would keep reminding me. The process stretched over a year, and that made me aware of the importance of money. It also made me conscious that these stocks were all that I had to live on for the rest of my life, if I were not going to work for my living again.
After this awareness dawned on me, market value of stocks started rising and over next eight months, by April 2002, they gradually regained their lost value. Shortly thereafter, they started their downward march once again, only to lose one-third of their market value before stabilizing.
Through this process of ups and downs, I kind of became aware of the need to monitor and protect my limited assets, if I wanted to remain financially independent and work for what I would love to, and not for my survival. And yet, I was not able to seriously think about it, and put it into action until two months after my return from Venice.
Sent large amounts of money : Sixty thousand comprising thirty five thousand for books published by Advaita Ashrama, Calcutta; The Ramakrishna Math, Chennai; Voice of India, New Delhi; and, twenty five thousand for feeding village-dwellers on Thaakur's birthday, sent to Ramakrishna Mission at KaamaarPukur, the birthplace of RaamKrishn ParamHans Dev)
It was 'His' money : I remember of few incidences when I said to others that it was Thaakur ‘s money. Devotees called Shri RaamKrishn ParamHans Dev as Thaakur. In those days, I perceived him as an Avataar of Shri Naaraayan, as the legends say. It was not a matter of superstition; in such exalted states of devotion, often a devotee sees everything as an expression of the Supreme Soul. The people whom I gave money, I thought of them as not different from me; their needs were my needs. Then, where was the question of not thinking of Thaakur as an Avataar? Thaakur itself means God, in Bengali. Thaakur was my ladder to Bhav’Taarini, the Divine Mother, in this birth again! Written 2002 Aug-Oct
Written 2010 10 18 - Having been through the process that I have already described and that I shall describe hereafter, I have come to the conclusion that a god-realized person should never be equated with god because god-realized person still lives within the ambit of Maya and is not yet Gunaateet गुणातीत
More importantly it has great dangers, for instances, having firmly established that RaamKrishn was God's Avataar later day disciples with ulterior motives have given his words new meaning equating Hinduism with Islam and Christianity, and thus, mislead vast majority of Hindus whereas their conspiracy had no effect on Muslims and Christians who continued to believe that Hinduism is not equal to and far inferior than Christianity and Islam. For them Hindus were and are heathens.
Dec 1999 to Jun 2002 —
Gradual return to the material World
Gradually, I regained the memory of names of many acquaintances and places, and the memory of details regarding many events in my life, which had become very vague (almost lost) during the exalted state of my devotional madness.
If I were to attempt writing in those days, all this that I am writing now, I would have drawn a big blank. First, I would not have had any inclination to sit down to write all these. Second, even if I had forced myself to do that, my memory would have failed me miserably at every step. I lived in a very different world in those days.
Now also, I have to retrieve the information gradually, all do not come back at once. Sometimes, they come back like a lightning, tearing the darkness!
There was yet another change during this process. I lost the sleep of night, and therefore, I needed to recover it during the day. Some said it was unhealthy, and in contradiction with the demands of the Nature.
Gradually, I regained the ability to differentiate between good and bad. At one time, all people had seemed to me alike; all were good! I would then glorify those who even betrayed me. Then, in those days the inside me was in peace! For, I saw the good in all. Now having regained the distinction between good and bad, and the recollection thereof, it has placed my life in a different light.
Given the choice, I may want to go back to that earlier state. At the same time, I accept the return, as it has to be with a purpose. Nothing happens under the heavens without a purpose!
Finally, through a seemingly prolonged struggle over a period of two and half years, I was entirely brought back to the material world, by now very conscious of its needs, desires, attachments, relationships, and money.
Gradually I became well equipped (physically, mentally, and emotionally) to deal with them, as everyone else would do.
in contradiction with the demands of the Nature : We need the waking day to interact with the outside world. We all sleep in the night because normal business closes then. My interaction with the outside world is through this work on BhagavadGita. I do it in the cool, calm, and peace of the night. BhagavadGita 2:69 "What is darkness to everyone, for that permanent Bliss the SthitPragya Yogi stays awake. And for those temporary worldly pleasures, for which everyone else stays awake, that is like darkness to the Muni who knows of the Creator". 2010 10 17
prolonged struggle over a period of two and half years : This was between December 1999 to June 2002
Dec 1999 to Jun 2002 —
Return to Material World 'NOW' was with a significant difference
But, with one basic difference; whereby, I remained in this material world fully and yet, not in it fully; whereby, my mind and emotions sought all that every other person does, but nothing would bind me for long enough. The only permanent bond seems now, is to be with Him, the Supreme Soul, my immediate as well as ultimate goal!
However, I realized that so long I have to carry this body; I shall have to bear with the needs of this body, and fulfill the desires of this body; no point denying them. I have also become aware of certain prior birth commitments or compulsions that need to be discharged or met with.
By now, I had understood the purpose of my forced return, which I had questioned often before. Mysterious are the ways of destiny that we ourselves create through our own actions in the past, utilizing our freewill in a manner different than, for what, 'He' has given it to us!
I realized that so long I have to carry this body - BhagavadGeeta 2:59-60-61 - "When such person withdraws himself from the objects that appeal to his senses, he is not physically gratifying his senses. Yet, deep within him somewhere remains buried the desire. This deep-seated desire also gets extinguished after vision of the Creator. Even if the person is wise, uses proper discretion, puts adequate efforts; yet his powerful senses turn his mind towards attachments. While keeping these senses under control, one should immerse his thoughts in Me". 2010-10-17
By now, I had understood the purpose of my forced return - Quoting Romain Rolland from his book The Life of Ramakrishna page 40 "Even the saint who comes down from Samaadhi (ecstasy) to the plane of ordinary life is forced to return to the envelope of his ‘differentiated’ ego, however attenuated, and purified. He is flung back into the world of relativity. So far as his ego is relatively real to him, so far will this world also be real; but when his ego has been purified, he sees the whole world of phenomenon as the manifold manifestation of the Absolute to the senses. Maya will then appear under its true colors, at once truth and falsehood, knowledge and ignorance (Vidya and Avidya, everything that leads to God and everything that does not lead to Him".
Mumbai, 25 Oct 2001
Sold New Bombay house, returned to Canada for good
The seemingly prolonged period, during which I was gradually drawn back to the haunts of material world from the blissful realm of 'His' domain, I had asked a question to myself over and again, as to why was I being dragged back into it? I had suspected often that there was a purpose, but I had not known with clarity what it was.
I had asked myself many a time as to why I was not able to give up my body that I no more desired, as I wanted to totally submerge my ego into Him. I wanted no ego of my own, and yet 'He' would return me back to it, after giving me the taste of its transitory dissolution in 'Him'. I had known it very clearly that 'He' had a use for this body, but I did not know exactly what.
This not knowing, exactly what, was a bit maddening. By now, three years had passed since the fatal cardiac arrest, which was one of the turning points in my life. First two years had been hectic, different kinds of spiritual experiences one after the other had come by, and they had engulfed me totally. Third year brought me repeated sicknesses, and by September 2000, I had become very weak.
After this started the process of dilution in my devotional fever, and with that, my exposure towards the worldly life started increasing. With that, the total erosion in the value of my assets gradually made me aware of the importance of financial resources for sustenance of life. Coupled with that, total absence of any definitive direction to the remaining life, started bothering me, and making me restless.
Now, my life minus the devotional fever became equal to emptiness! Knowing that such emptiness can be disastrous, and not knowing exactly why 'He' had chosen to bring me back to this state, I decided to go back to my old life pattern, that I lived before my cardiac arrest. I sold my New Bombay house in August 2001, visited Kamarpukur next month, and then left India for good, returned to Toronto on 25 October 2001.
Toronto, 9 Nov 2001
But Naaraayani Ma Bhav'Taarini seemed to have other plans for me
It was Friday, 9 November 2001, 10:05 PM at 2015-25 Mabelle Avenue, Etobicoke ON M9A 4Y1 Canada. I was resting at its northeast corner room while listening to BhagavadGita.
There was a sudden flash, a momentary one, but so vivid that I remembered it for long. During that flash I saw the road ahead.
ईश्वरः सर्वभूतानां हृद्देशेअर्जुन तिष्ठति।
भ्रामयन्सर्वभूतानि यन्त्रारूढानि मायया।।
Eeshwarah Sarv'bhootaanaam Hriddeshe'Arjun Tishthati
Bhraamayan'Sarv'bhootaani Yantraaroorhaani Maayaya
O Arjun! This body is like a machine. Mounted on this machine, God with the aid of 'His' Maya makes it move around in accordance with the individual's Karm. 'He' knows what is in the heart of each creature. 'He' is resident in the heart of all the creatures. BhagavadGita Adhyaay 18 Shlok 61
It became clear to me that I am 'His' instrument, and gradually now 'He' has made me ready for the task 'He' had for me. This is when I knew the task as well, for the first time.
I woke up next morning with distinct feeling that all my desires have been extinguished. It was the morning of Saturday, 10 November 2001, at 25 Mabelle Avenue.
I returned to BhaaratVarsh to start the work.
Summary of my Journey to 'Him'
30 May 2011, 11:42 AM
Be it a nation, an organization, a human or a tree, all have one thing in common. The roots / values / belief system are their life source. The trunk / conducts determine their overall stability. Branches, leaves, fruits/flowers speak of their healthy existence.
In my case, I was granted a second lease of life after my heart beats stopped. That was beginning of a new life, the foundation of my current existence. With that I was returned the accumulated wisdom, values and belief systems from my prior births. But that was no magical transformation. I had to go through the pains and the pleasures it brought along with it. That had been a long drawn process.
And within this second lease of life I had to live through two opposite kinds of life spans. The blessed one and the cursed one. In that blessed state, I was like many other saintly people who, by their very nature of existence, had been rendered misfit for blowing the bugle. For this reason, I had to be returned to earthly existence that gradually made me fit for Shankhanaad'.
31 May 2011, 7:41 AM
That earthly existence gave me the ability to understand what has happened, what's happening, and what's likely to happen as a result thereof. Prior birth's accumulate resources gave me the ability to look beneath the surface and equipped me with a vision to penetrate the smoke screen. This is where the roots of my current existence are.
Writing was the way to communicate with people and their worth is reflected through readers feedback. These are my present day conducts which will, in time, demonstrate if they are here to stay as a stable platform for ensuing Hindu Raashtr'.
Should Naaraayani Ma Bhav'Taarini wish, I could be instrumental to recreation of the lost Hindu Raashtr' after which I would want to give up this body. The shape, values and strengths of that Hindu Raashtr' will demonstrate it's healthy existence.
The Journey
26 Sep 2006, 11:14 PM, edited 2 May 2011
You may want to ignore whatever you may find incomprehensible out of that follows hereafter. For some things, one needs personal experience particularly when that relates to spiritual matters.
I am indebted to Ma Durga
Mississauga, Ontario, Canada [1998] [probably 2 Oct] — It was the night of जगराता (pronounced as Jag'Raataa). Ma Durga's invocation was in progress. Dr. Doobay of Vishnu Mandir (Richmond Hill) had invited Chanchal (from Mumbai) to invoke Ma Durga. Chanchal, in course of his invocation, would call out at the devotees present: "maang le Ma se, jo bhee maangnaa hai tujhe, aaj kee raat" meaning "ask Ma tonight whatever you wish". He would repeat his call to the audience from time to time during the invocation. I couldn't ask Ma for anything. I kept looking at Her and my eyes were filled with tears. Those were tears of love and gratitude towards Ma. She had allowed me to acquire everything that I wanted to acquire. What more was there to ask for?
The night progressed. Chanchal kept singing in the praise of Ma through the night. Suddenly, at one of his calls, the thought surfaced on my mind: "Take away from me, Ma, all that I have today, and give me a place at the feet of Shri Naaraayan".
Time passed. I burned myself in the fire of प्रायश्चित्त (pronounced as praayashchitt), much the same as the gold passes through fire before its impurities are eliminated. I had read and heard about तपस्या (pronounced as Tapasyaa) but it was now that I understood what it truly meant. Finally, Ma Durge granted my wish. Ensuing period between 25 January and 5 March [1999] was extraordinary in its true sense. But the "Time" to share with you those experiences hasn't come yet.
Return from that state was very painful. Giving up the dissolution of "self" into Naaraayan, and this return to the sphere of माया (pronounced as Maayaa) wasn't something that I was looking for. But then, I was already into the gravitation belt of माया and the environment was pulling me into it like quick sand. Nothing I could do to prevent the slipping away. With all my might I kept holding to माँ भवतारिणी Ma Bhav'Taarini in hope that She would pull me out some day. At that point of time I had no ability to think why was all that happening to me?
Much later, I understood, why. Without a glimpse into the previous life and, into the end of current life, it would have been impossible for me to fathom purpose of the Creator. Now I know from this experience that whatever happens under the heaven has a purpose behind it. It is, however, a different matter that we do not see the purpose when things do happen.
I am indebted to Naaraayani Ma Bhav'Taarini
North York, Toronto, Canada [1999] [Sept-Nov] — I had grown impatient. I asked Naaraayani Ma Bhav'Taarini: "Take back all my responsibilities, Ma, and let me focus my sight at your feet. I want to return there, from where You have pulled me out".
Once again I had to struggle with the tornado. This time it was much more severe, the hardest ever. It struck out of the blue. To get something, you got to give up something. This is the Law of Creation.
Bigger the favor you ask for, greater the sacrifice. And, it was me who had asked Ma, on the night of Jag'Raataa, to take away from me all that I had acquired. Ma hadn't asked me to give up anything.
Time passed. Ma heard my appeal. But She wasn't keen to make it a permanent one for me. After all, I had to pay back all my debts to MotherEarth before the Last Journey. And, how could I have done that, if I were to be lifted "now" from this "whirlpool of माया Maya" ?
Nerul, Navi Mumbai [2000] [second half]
A vacuum was created around me. I was free and yet shackled in this world of माया Maya. One day, I spoke out to Ma:
"All along I worked to fulfill my needs and my desires. You have now taken up my responsibilities on your shoulder. You have freed me from those self-acquired bondages. At the same time, You do not want me to go back to Shri Naaraayan. You have kept me shackled in this world of माया Maya. I need work to keep me engaged. Give me the work that would be in service to You".
It was the Mother and child relationship that I could talk to Her in this manner.
Etobicoke, Toronto [2001] [Friday 9 Nov] [night 10:05]
That was the memorable moment, significance of which I could realize as I woke up the next morning. That night, while listening to ShrimadBhagavad'Gita Adhyaay 18 Shlok 61, a fleeting thought passed my mind. I had a glimpse of my duty ahead. I got the feel of the job that was waiting for me. But the road map wasn't clear as yet. Nevertheless, I knew, Ma had heard my call, once again.
The agony of Transformation
As I boarded the aircraft at Venice [2002 Aug 4] destination Mumbai, the process began while waiting at Milan airport for the connecting flight. And then, with the arrival of 2003, the path opened up, on which I tread today.
Earlier, and for long enough but with intermittent breaks, I lived in mental make up of a वैरागी Vairaagi, safely staying out of that "Whirlpool of माया Maya" which pulls you down toward desire for accumulation and shackles you with मोह (pronounced as Moh) towards those whom you happen to perceive as your own.
But that kind of "distilled sight" was not equipped with the ability to see through the filth around. How then could I have warned you against threats—and conspiracies—surrounding you? So, return to the same "Whirlpool of माया Maya" became a necessity, if I were to stay fully awakened towards worldly elements, and remain ever alert towards alien cultures—and inherently hostile religions—seeking to destroy our Hinduism.
But then, this journey wasn't so easy. I was torn within myself. I did not want to return to the filth around, with a vision equipped to identify ignoble motives and deceptive ways of the predator religions, which have been working overtime to swallow up their nobler counterpart Hinduism. Inner conflict was at its climax. Agony was tearing me apart. I had to experience it silently within myself. I couldn't complain to anyone about it.
Shankhanaad'
Now,
I fully understand that this all were necessary to strengthen the process of transformation.
The battle ground was beckoning me, and I couldn't have charged ahead without being adequately
equipped for it.
I am indebted to Ma Saraswati
In different forms I saw Him. Sometimes as Shri Naaraayan, sometimes as Ma Durga. Sometimes as Naaraayani Ma Bhav'Taarini, and sometimes as Ma Saraswati. I did not let my sight stuck in the confusion over 'names'.
When Ma gave me the job to write, She took the form of Ma Saraswati. With Her wish my fingers played at computer keyboard, and thoughts poured out (2002-2005). Very little I had read myself. Many people have read much more than me. Therefore, I am not worthy of any credit for what reaches to you through me. I am just the medium who delivers. Take it if you have faith in me, reject it if you don't. I won't, for sure, come back to convince you. For, nothing that I have to gain personally by doing so.
Supplement (reminisce)
India, May - Jun 2000, Canada, Oct - Nov 2001
The Email Episode and Swami Nikhilananda
The book Turning Point was written in 2002 and this page is written in
2010, more than 8 years later. This page is inserted here on account of its relevance to this
chapter.
But then writing style is very different. It's a style that moves in and out of the main topic
visiting any related topic that it encounters on the way, finally ending with the main issue.
However, you may find such deviations quite interesting.
And, there is yet another aspect, in which contents of this page are very-very different from
almost all other pages of this very book. It touches upon some aspects of Christian World which
featured only in my later day writings. In early days like 1998-2002 I had no concept of Christian
World in mind.
When I wrote this book I was in totally another world, beyond the ambit of Maya, visiting occasionally
in and out of the ambit of Maya.
Now, with the taste of the other world I have finally been sent to this world to complete a
task entrusted. So, my outlook has changed, my understanding of the world has changed. I have
been equipped with vision to see this world as it is: plain and black & white. The vision
now penetrates the smoke screen to touch upon the bigger Truth that envelopes this world of
Maya. This makes all the difference between those who have travelled part of the distance in
their quest for the Supreme Soul and still continue to see this world of Maya with colored glasses
on their nose. May be they speak nicely and in a convincing manner but that does not take them
any closer to the bare Truth. In the process, they end up misleading all and sundry. And that
is also a part Maya itself. The cordon of Maya is too powerful to let the unworthy look beyond
the smoke screen.
Sunday 5 Dec 2010 10:38
After applying redesigned dynamic web template I was checking each file one by one, and
that is when I remembered this episode. It goes back to year 2000 May-June in India, and then
to 2001 Oct-Nov in Canada.
Year 2000
After my return to India in May 2000 I started living at Nerul, New Bombay, and visiting a nearby cybercafé for communicating with friends and colleagues through email. Majority of my communications were with Francis Yip, the Buddhist Monk and my ex-classmate. The subject would be revolving around spirituality related matters. Francis had different opinion on certain aspects and we would exchange thoughts extensively. It was natural that The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna as translated in English by Swami Nikhilananda would feature prominently in our discussions.
Year 2001
Post 9/11 I revisited Canada and have distinct memories of strict security checks at in-transit airports, as well as Air Canada's on-board lovely service, particularly the elderly gentleman who was our host (instead of air hostesses).
It was natural for me to get in touch with Francis and we met at some mall because we lived apart very long distance. I was at Etobicoke and he, I think (with time memories become vague), was at Unionville. I distinctly remember of couple of things: the location at a higher floor where we met, his asking me about Nike walking shoes I was wearing and commenting on them, my asking him of his age, a question he cleverly evaded, and finally our visiting an Indian Restaurant for lunch and one unique piece of talk about Swami Nikhilananda.
In the past it was he who had foot the bill and taken me to Chinese restaurant. This time also he offered to take me to some Chinese restaurant as he knew I loved Chinese food (back in Bombay whenever I had an opportunity I would treat myself with Chinese food, which happened to be Indian version of Chinese food as I learned after visiting Indonesia, Singapore and Canada). Francis also wanted to pay for the lunch probably because he knew that I had not taken up any job after leaving Canada as well as after returning to Canada. But for me it mattered not whether I was gainfully employed or not; all that mattered was that I was in a position to return the gesture. So I asked him if he knew of any good Indian restaurant in the vicinity to which he said yes. I offered to treat him with Indian cuisine which he gracefully accepted.
Year 1996-97
As I mentioned earlier we were classmates at (formerly) Honeywell's. Everybody in our class had come through unemployment insurance, government footing the bill for education so that they could start earning again, and more importantly start paying taxes to the government again. I was the only exception who (during my four and half years stay in Canada) always paid unemployment insurance to the government but never availed any benefit under that scheme. So, here as well, I was paying the fees from my pocket because I was gainfully employed immediately before coming to the school. Francis knew about this.
Students at Honeywell's would spend somewhere around seven-eight in the morning till nine-ten-eleven at night. The school called it an immersion course as they would complete the course in six months, which community colleges took two years for. During break students would rush to the restaurant at ground floor for meals (I vaguely recollect as if government's unemployment insurance paid a certain amount that took care of expenses other than school fee but I cannot say it with certainty after nine years gap). For me, it was all from my pocket and therefore, I avoided attractive meals at the restaurant and managed with alternatives like tea, biscuits, etc. Francis may have notice that. May be therefore, he never allowed me to pay when he took me for eating out.
Francis (and other few Chinese friends in the task-group that I was part of) shared the bill. I offered as a courtesy but they all declined. In any case, they were from Hong Kong business families (except Francis I guess) and may be it did not matter to them. They had taken me out to a very spacious and beautiful Chinese restaurant and ordered numerous delicious items one by one and I wouldn't forget that event. That was the first time I ate noodles with sticks and found how easy it was, something that I had never understood when I saw other Chinese people eat with sticks elsewhere, probably Indonesia, Singapore, etc. probably because I never felt I would be comfortable eating with sticks. But here my Chinese friends not only showed me how to hold and use sticks but also encouraged me to use them.
Earlier I was part of another group which comprised of East European, Chinese-Canadian women and Canadian men, and they would so openly talk and joke about sex while in the class, which I felt distracting as well as inopportune in class room environment. Later I changed to this Chinese group, all men, never discussed sex, and were helpful in studies.
Year 1996
Actually, in the entire class I seemed to be the only student who had no IT background. Everyone else that I spoke to had worked through their life in IT field, and that made a hell of difference, at such advanced age and such a fast-paced learning environment. Actually, it was wrong to call it a learning environment. It was more of a condensed session for brushing up prior knowledge, and for that one needed prior knowledge of the subject coupled with practical experience, neither of which I possessed.
Before taking admission I had discussed my concerns with people who interviewed me, and also told them point blank: "look, I am taking a great risk by quitting my job and joining this course without any prior background in IT segment, so please advise me sincerely how hard it would be on me to sail through this ordeal".
But they seemed to have had their eyes set on thousands of dollars that would come in by way of fees from me. Instead of guiding me appropriately they encouraged me to take up the course giving me an impression through their clever speech that I would be among many who were sailing in the same boat. Marketing a product is like telling half-truth and half-lie making it sound as the whole-truth. In time, I learned that The Institute of Computer Studies (formerly Honeywell's) is no exception; it happens to be the inherent [1] characteristics of Christian World in varying measure.
I had left a paid job in a small manufacturing company (where I had no threat of losing it, and was respectfully admired; for, I knew my job very well), and came to school because I had decided for it even before I had arrived in Canada, and having come here it had become clear to me that, in those days at least, it was essential to get a Canadian qualification in order to get into the white man's domain and deal with them squarely without any inhibition. Hence, it was necessary for me to equip myself with local educational qualification.
Year 1995 Oct
The first thing that I had done after landing in Toronto was to visit the Institute of Charted Accountants and I was politely told that even British CAs were required to prequalify themselves by taking CA examinations once again locally having gone through usual training procedure. So, the choice was very clear to me: if I must obtain a local qualification then why repeat the same when I was already a qualified CA and CS with twenty years of experience behind. I chose Information Technology for I have been a computer enthusiast from very beginning.
Year 1995-97
Indian qualifications, during previous millennium [2], were honored by those who had some or other connection with Indian subcontinent but they are often poor paymasters because we have the inherent desire for saving. We don't so easily live on borrowed money (something I call credit card dependency syndrome) but then, our current generation is fast catching up with Western (inherently Christian) tendencies (pre-marital sex among one thing besides starting to get slave of credit card dependency syndrome).
Employers with even remote connections with Indian subcontinent were also aware of what it needed to get into white man's domain, and they had turned equally wise (or opportunist) the Western (inherently Christian) way, and do not leave an opportunity to take advantage of new immigrants' compulsions.
Those employers (with remote Indian subcontinent connection) might also want to argue that they too faced similar constraints while competing with, or getting into white man's domain as suppliers of goods and services, and were required to keep their prices low enough to get an entry and retain that business; and in turn, they have no alternative but to pay equally low to those who approach them for not possessing local qualification.
Coming to Western (inherently Christian) ways, let us try to understand what did Canada do? I know of province Ontario where I lived and therefore I shall speak of that province alone. And in any case, it was that province alone which benefitted most from what Canada did during last decade of previous millennium. They opened the gate for immigrants almost from all over the world. They came to India, booked themselves in posh hotels, heavily (by those days standards) advertised, held meetings with those who aspired to go to the West, charged them good fee for attending those meetings to recover their expenditure, lured people to come to Canada. When these people landed in Canada from all over the globe you could witness serpentine queues at specially designated immigration counters, and one of the question they essentially asked everyone while fixing the residence permit (or whatever they called it those days) "how much money you have brought with you?"
Well, their eyes were on money from immigrants all the way from beginning. Those coming from Hong Kong had special advantages because they brought in huge foreign exchange in the country. And probably 99% immigrants were heading towards Toronto. Thus, province Ontario became the largest beneficiary of incoming money.
Their purpose was not yet over by getting the immigrants in with money but now it was important for them to squeeze that money out of their pockets and transfer them to white man's pocket. How did they do it so that it happened but victims never realized the pain? Well, the Christian World, particularly the British had developed that knack long-long ago. Only difference being, in 18th and 19th centuries they were cunning to the highest order and ruthless; today they have put on the mask of gentlemen and become lot more pacified, for they have come to terms with the realization that, after all, British Sun has Set! And those very Christian British came and settled [3] all over Canada, except for Quebec where French made their foothold. The British progeny is today's original white man of Canada.
So, how they squeezed new immigrants pockets? Food is eaten by all, be it immigrant or original settler white man; so, it is perhaps the cheapest item one essentially needs for living; and thus, primarily white men are not affected, secondarily the immigrants.
But then, same is not the case with shelter. You can live without food for a few days but without shelter you would freeze to death in one night. So, you got to shell out the money for it whatever be the cost. And, housing the most expensive of all costs there. On the top of they ensure that you rent a house which is more than you need. The spacious living room they simply do not count. The question begins when you start filling up the form. If you have two children of same sex then you must have a two-bedroom, hall, kitchen apartment. If you two children of opposite sex then you must have a three-bedroom, hall, kitchen apartment. Why three-bedroom? One for husband and wife, second for boy child, third for girl child. In their reckoning, your children cannot sleep with you, they cannot sleep in the spacious hall, so you need separate bedrooms for each. The age of the children they do not ask in the application form, so you can't argue that your children are small enough. After all they will grow and you got to provide for their separate rooms, as if the family would live in rented apartment for rest of their lives to see their children grow. And then, with thousand dollar two-bedroom apartment in the 1990s there would be many unwelcome guest like rats.
Those who have gone there would not complain to their people back home because they themselves would cut a sorry figure. They would go about bragging of things which would put them in higher esteem over those left out. One of thorough convent-bred had told me "the moment you land on Canadian soil you become government's responsibility with shelter, food, all taken care of!"
Next, what would happen to their educational institutions of which people of Indian sub-continent have very-very high opinion of? Those institutions got to close down! Because, Ontario had been in bad financial shape for years then. Why? Well, because of those very gentlemen white men! Look at Social Security which provided housing for those who do not have a house. And, majority occupants would be white. When few you locate of brown-skin almost invariably you would find them Christian by faith, or having converted to Christianity, and become adept at Christian value system, thought process, and living style including beef-eating. And of course, conversion comes rather easily to the convent educated. A true Hindu will be hard to spot living on government money.
And, there was one more reason for Ontario's crippling financial health. Government's generous Health Support System. White men and women would be visiting USA during Canadian winters on government expenditure under guise of treatment, duly prescribed by their government paid physicians. It was such a huge drain on Ontario government's fiscal budget. And, our English educated fools in high positions living here in India or abroad do not get tired of saying that India is one of the most corrupt country in the world. And they arrive at this conclusion from studies/surveys published from those very countries belonging to the Christian World. These are the people I call Parrot Humanoids.
Now, returning to the issue of educational institutions that needed to save themselves from closing down. They knew that the government could only go on subsidizing them from accumulated unemployment insurance deductions of salaried employees only to an extent. The government knew that. All businesses knew that. Education too is a business in the Christian World, it's not a noble task as used to be in the Hindu World before they Christianized our education using battalions of imported Christian missionaries.
My use of word Christian World is not attention catching jargon. The term has its own personality, meaning and distinct identity, which I have discussed elsewhere, in detail. The Christian World also has a unique empathy for their own people when it comes to survival of those belonging to that world. So, when one is in trouble, others come to rescue hiding themselves behind the scene, disregarding whether the troubles of the troubled one affects those giving a supporting hand or not, in the short run. For they are counting on the long-term advantages of extending a helping hand, but hiding themselves behind the screen so they themselves are not affected.
So, when the business of those educational institutions are at stake all others come to help. Government gives the initial support in two forms: (1) through accumulated funds from unemployment insurance, which is a short-term measure; (2) through bringing in hoards of immigrants as highly skilled cheap labor but with pockets full of money, and this happens to be government's long-term measure. Next helping hand comes from the employers requiring special skills but they wouldn't accept the skills acquired outside Canada until these highly skilled people acquire a Canadian qualification from a Canadian educational institution!
There is also a third aspect that gets taken care of by these maneuvers. That category of white men and women who are less competent and/or less ambitious and/or born or raised lazy, they find it easier to take social security and become guests of the government instead of becoming unskilled labors. So, the gap is filled-in by skilled immigrants taking up unskilled jobs. That is why I spoke of 'bringing in hoards of immigrants as highly skilled cheap labor but with pockets full of money'. True they come with pockets full of money but they know that's all they have and they need to save it for renting shelter.
Christian World loathed Indian caste system and made it look like shame on humanity and most educated Indians (parrot humanoids) got sold to that idea. Neither category of the fools realized its enormous significance in context of running a social system which makes each and every village self-supporting, ruling out any need for en-mass immigration.
Christian World, however, has been used to "eating it while having it too" for long. So, they wanted highly skilled people as immigrants and wanted to keep them subservient to themselves. And this is how they had it both ways. They got the imported life savings of immigrants, made them fund their ailing industries like housing, education, etc., and also made them work as cheap labor. In this context, I cannot resist myself from narrating you an experience that I wouldn't forget.
Year 1996
It's about an Indian family from either UP or MP (I can't remember precisely). The gentleman was a civil engineer in P. W. D. (Public Works Department) and he always had the benefit of government jeep. After coming to Canada first thing he did was to buy a car though he didn't have a job yet. I did not think of it as an wise idea as I already had a job, my first job was in a firm of Chartered Accounts, and I had my own car back in India, and I have been used to the comfort of an air-conditioned car now for fourteen years; and yet, I did not buy a car until I acquired a Canadian qualification and made an entry into white man's domain. I remember an interesting anecdote: a few years later, our CTO (Chief Technical Officer) narrated an episode in a light hearted manner to our colleagues at lunch (or may be, dinner) that "when I first interviewed Maanoj I had this uncomfortable feeling that I wasn't interviewing him, in stead, he was interviewing me".
Second thing that this P. W. D. engineer gentleman did was to start selling some kind of insurance policy. Once sitting with his family, during the talks, his wife said: "Bhaai Saaheb (brother), I am prepared to clean utensils at other peoples places if I can find a job". Now, this lady back home would have had the benefit of not one but of several servants (household help as the Christian World has now started calling them because they have realized how difficult it is to get one to do the household chores without a proper social system). And she, today, was willing to do the same job—back home it would have been unthinkable! In earlier days P. W. D. Engineer's job was all along considered a plush job (these days, may be or may be not).
Year 2000, 2001, 2010
Well, enough of deviation and let us now return to what I had begun with, and that is, "finally our visiting an Indian Restaurant for lunch and one unique piece of talk about Swami Nikhilananda".
Sunday, 11 Dec 2011, 03:10 AM
To make the things clear let me put the subject matter in chronological order. Sometime during June-July 2000 we communicated a lot through email. I was staying at my house in Nerul, New Bombay and used to visit a nearby cybercafé for checking mail and communicating with friends and acquaintances. Francis had computer at home. My conversation with Francis was predominantly on deep spiritual matters. We discussed The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna translated in English by Swami Nikhilananda very often and being better versed with the subject my contributions in those discussions were relatively dominant. Francis had a Buddhist monk background and therefore we both understood what we discussed. These stretches of communication were very fulfilling and satisfying to both. Mostly Francis would agree but on one particular matter he differed. The discussion went back and forth for some time and finally Francis withdrew.
A year and half later (Oct/Nov 2001) when we met in person and had lunch together relishing Indian cuisine Francis referred to that topic and made an interesting observation. He said, as the debate had progressed Swami Nikhilananda intervened and wrote to him that I was right. In other words, between our emails Swami entered the discussion and wrote to Francis that Maanoj was right. That had brought an end to that email debate but I had no clue as Swami had written directly to Francis. I was not surprised then because I thought Swami had intervened due to his siddhis सिद्धि (special powers acquired by a person through spiritual advancements). It may not be out of place to clarify that I and Francis were not communicating in a chat room environment where anyone can drop in and out, nor we were chatting on messenger type environment where both parties are present at two ends at the same time. We wrote our mails at different times that suited us individually, not at a specified time suitable to both. We were using simple email system.
In
those days I did not own a computer. I bought a computer in Feb 2002 but rarely surfed
the Internet because I had dial-up connection those days which turned out to be expensive,
besides blocking the telephone line rendering it unavailable for phone conversations. Only
after arrival of separate Broadband Cable connection I started using Internet more frequently. During
past two-three years I heavily depended on Internet for my research. It is during this period
that I found out that Swami Nikhilananda
had left his body way back in 1973.
That made me curious about the email that Swami had written to Francis Yip. I know for sure that it is not impossible. Accomplished souls can do miraculous thing even after they leave their body, for the 'soul' does not die. For this reason I communicated with Francis between 6 and 8 Dec 2010 enquiring if he could locate that particular email. After search he could not. I can appreciate that situation pretty well. In those day (year 2000) you could not save all your mail for future reference. I distinctly remember Yahoo/Hotmail offered very small storage quota and we needed to regularly delete our old mails to create space for new mail. Things began to change only after Gmail's entry with substantially higher email storage capacity and that too on ever growing basis. I used Yahoo those days and I don't have any of my mails from that time. Francis would have had similar situation besides he changed to rogers afterwards. Own PC hard disk storage used to be pretty expensive eleven years ago and no one would keep a backup of personal mail unless it is of great importance.
There is one more aspect that needs to be considered. As Swami Nikhilananda could intervene through mail uninvited 27 years after he left his body, so his email can also disappear physically after it had served its purpose. Many of you would think it's absurd but I do not because I have seen through my eyes a number of such things between 1998 and 2000. When you tend to measure things based on your logic, you often forget that your logic cannot go beyond the point your knowledge has reached. In other words, with your materialistic accomplishments your reasoning ability can only go as far as your materialistic knowledge has progressed.
Sunday, 11 Dec 2011, 07:54 PM - Many miraculous incidences have been documented by Paramahansa Yogananda in his Autobiography of a YOGI published and printed by Yogoda Satsanga Society of India, Yogoda Satsanga Math, 21, U.N. Mukherjee Road, Dakshineswar, Kolkata 700076 distributed by Jaico Publishing House and Motilal Banarsidass priced at Rs 125 pages 499
[1] Positive Talking NOT Positive thinking refer to Christianity Vol. 1
[2] I do not speak of current millennium because I do not know what's happening there. I have immersed myself in this work and left with no time to keep old contacts alive. During first decade of current millennium lot has changed, and changed drastically, within our country itself, and therefore, it is quite possible that things have changed there, in Canada, as well, but I do not know of what I cannot see and evaluate.
[3] Refer to Christianity Vol. 1 for "British and Dogs are NOT allowed sign-boards that prominently hanged outside every Native Canadian house" as the British lady (in CA office where I worked) told me.
Mississauga, Greater Toronto, between May and Aug 1997
Brief immersion into Bhakti'Yog' भक्तियोग
On my way back from work at Softkey's TaxPrep, I used to walk every evening on Explorer Drive from 2700 Matheson Boulevard East to Eglinton Avenue West. There would be hardly any traffic on Explorer Drive around that time of the day, so I could comfortably walk gazing at the sky, enjoying the beauty of mother nature, and in the process my heart and mind would be immersed in the thoughts of God. I would look at chunks of clouds floating in the sky, seemingly moving and taking different forms, eventually assuming the shape of one of the deities. The sight itself would be overwhelming. Every evening that walk would be a treat to my whole being. It used to be a brief immersion into Bhakti'Yog' भक्तियोग.
Bhakti'Yog' भक्तियोग refers to the path of Bhakti (devotion) which gradually paves the way for ultimate union with the Supreme Soul. This is how I have come to understand this term.
Aug-Sept 2002
Moksh' मोक्ष is all that I know of, or aspire for
Moksh is the only thing I know, and I understand. All else is secondary to me.
The next work on BhagavadGita will be built upon and around the premises of Moksh. It will attempt at explaining: How the soul begins its journey – where does it live – how does it use its freewill – what choices does it have – where does it end its journey!
That work will be the extract of knowledge and understanding acquired by ‘this soul’, through its journey over multiple births; its own, original, and authentic version.
The purpose would be to install a path indicator for those who are traveling, and may be looking for some indication as to which direction to go.
‘This soul’ wanted to experience this world, in its different colors and shades, before its final dissolution; and it wishes to leave the tracks for those who would be sinking or swimming through the ocean of this world, yet desirous of final freedom from it.
17 May 2011, 04:23 AM
It was written in those days when Moksh' was the only thing on my mind and I wanted nothing else.
While writing above passages I was not aware what Naaraayani Ma Bhav'Taarini had in store for me. In coming months (Oct 2002 to Feb 2003) new vistas opened up before me. Even then I was not aware that those were going to absorb me wholly and keep me occupied 24 hours 365 days years after year and I would not be looking for a break. After all it was me who had asked Naaraayani Ma Bhav'Taarini to give me work that would be in service to her. [related: Robot]
vista (a mental picture covering a wide range of objects or a long succession of events in the past or future)
Following notes were added on 17 Oct 2010
BhagavadGita Adhyaay 2
Shlok 45-46 Vedic scriptures are populated with all three attributes, fundamental to this creation, Satva, Rajas, and Tamas. You need to go beyond them ... devoid of attachments, free of conflicts, not desirous of material things and their accumulation. After knowing the Sarv-Brahm (the Creator), the Vedic essence becomes automatically known.
Shlok 47 You have control over doing your duty. You have no true control over its outcome. Do not preoccupy yourself with the outcome. Nor, be appealed by not performing your duty.
Shlok 48 Give up all kinds of attachments and do your work. Take success and failure in the same spirit. This Samatva is Yog.
Shlok 49-50 Desire-ridden work is not what you should be doing. While living in this world, wise men avoid both type of desire-ridden work, be it good or bad.
ShShlok 51 With this approach, wise men free themselves from the cycle of birth(s) and death(s) by giving up the desire for the returns from their work. Thus, they earn immortality by freeing themselves from the cycle of death(s).
You too can achieve Moksh' मोक्ष
This world is real. It is possible to remain within this world and yet to be out of it.
The environment of this world will keep influencing us. Yet, it is possible to continue our journey towards the Supreme Soul.
Attaining God does not wholly depend upon the clothes we wear; the vocation or life-style we adopt; it depends on the character of our desire for attaining Him!
Om
Asato Maa SadGamaya
Tamaso Maa Jyotir gamaya
Mrityor Maa Amrtam gamaya
Om Shaantih Shaantih Shaantih!
Source: BrihadAranyak Upanishad First Adhyaay 3rd Brahmana 28th Mantr
O God! Please lead me from this transitory world to the permanent bliss. Please lead me from my spiritual ignorance to the spiritual knowledge. Please lead me from the cycle of repeated birth and death to the ultimate dissolution into the Supreme Soul, where after, there would be no more a birth, nor a death. Please lead me to the permanent peace!
Not wholly depend upon : It helps, but it does not conclusively determine that.
gamaya : letter ‘a’ in gamaya is pronounced as ‘u’ in But.
BhagavadGita Samatv'Yog 2:51 With this approach, wise men free themselves from the cycle of birth(s) and death(s) by giving up the desire for the returns from their work. Thus, they earn immortality by freeing themselves from the cycle of death(s). added 2010 10 17
State of bliss keeps you in a state of harmony, love and equality
10 Dec 2009 IST 17:122
Lot has not been said here – left to be told at some later date when the TIME arrives.
Time changes and so does the environment. Perspectives change. Call of Time gets redefined. Rising to the Occasion becomes the Touchstone of Time.
And that was to be reflected in my writings to come, where writings would be the vehicle to reach the people, and the Time for other Action would patiently wait for its turn.
It has been more than seven years when all this was written and Moksh was the only thing on my mind. I did not, but 'He' did know the path 'He' would be leading me towards, and in due course of time. 'He' also knew that my priorities would change drastically with time, so much so that I would hardly bother to remember what all I had once passed through, leave aside remembering minute details thereof (ex: addresses, dates, names, sequence of events, state of mind, etc).
Not only this, 'He' also knew that I had no inclination whatsoever to document those experiences to start with.
But 'He' must have seen some purpose behind making me do so.
'He' had 'His' own way of planting the seed in my mind. 'He' used Prof. D. Meo as the vehicle and made her ask me of my spiritual journey, and then let it germinate while 'He' made me wait at Milan Airport.
So, finally, I did place the events on record but did not publish them for public consumption. It is only now that I understand 'His' purpose, and therefore, I am publishing it.
Many of you may be familiar with my prior works which actually came into existence after this work, but got published much before this one. Now that you have read this one, you may have figured out how much I have changed over time.
But do you have any idea how difficult was that process of change? From a state of bliss to this state of filth is not easy to come by. I was torn within. This change was unacceptable to me and I did make several attempts to avoid that, but then it kept drawing me like a powerful magnet rendering me powerless. That tug of war has been tearing me apart.
It hadn’t been a brief surgical operation. It had been a thorough dissection bit by bit, limb by limb. And this was all happening inside my mind and heart. The process was long drawn over the years. Indeed, it had been very painful.
When you are in a state of bliss the entire world looks to you as one. Everything feels like part of that one, the Creator. You are in love with everything around you. All are one to you. You cannot feel good towards one and bad towards another. You see the beauty in ugliness and love in hatred. You cannot feel hatred towards any and cannot perceive inequality in any form. To you all are equal – even different religions. I would have probably become a preacher if I had been allowed by 'Him' to stay in that state for long enough.
But then 'He' wanted me to experience that this happened to be only one part of the Truth, and yet there was another form of reality. And my knowing that form of reality was probably more important to 'Him' given the environment that we have today. And I had surrendered myself totally to 'Him' so 'He' had every right to lead me wherever 'He' wanted to. While I was more than willing in principle I had no idea what 'He' had in store for me.
I was in bliss and I wanted to remain in bliss, and from there merge into 'Him' losing my existence all together so that I do not have to return for another merry go round.
I had no inclination whatsoever to document those experiences : 2009-12-10 For a normal person it would be very difficult to understand why I would not want to make them public.
To understand that one has to first transport him (self) to that state of mind and heart in which I was then. And you know it well that it would not be possible for you to do so, on the fly.
Therefore, I have to resort to logical explanation to make you understand that.
In that state of mind where I sought nothing but dissolution within 'Him', that is, in effect, lose my existence and become one with 'Him'; in that scenario how could I be left with any desire to place on record what all were my experiences.
Think of it this way: when this mortal world itself had become redundant for me why would I want to leave any footprints behind?
This entire thing is a deep subject. I have gone into depth describing it in various ways in my other work "Vidhata"
But 'He' must have seen some purpose behind making me do so : 2009-12-10 Which I did not understand then but I do now
'He' used Prof. D. Meo as the vehicle : 2009-12-10 'He' only made Prof. D. Meo find me. For I knew her not; nor there was any common friend who could have introduced both of us; 'His' ways are unique, so are 'His' scheme of designs.
All are equal – even different religions : 2009-12-11 IST 0557 Those who quote Shri RaamKrishn ParamHans Dev or Sri Ramana Maharshi fail to realize that such statement (if they made) was the result of a specific state of mind and heart, and it would be applicable only to those who live in that state of mind and heart.
It would be foolish to apply this to people who do not even know (cannot even fathom) what kind of state of mind and heart that could be.
Therefore, something stated (if it was) wasn’t meant for quoting out of context and thereby misguiding the rest of the world which today’s god men are doing for they themselves have not been to that state.
Most of these god men possess second-hand knowledge acquired from books and other people of prominence. The concept of "Parrot Humanoids" (as I call it) applies to them and to their followers very well.
Preacher : Today many of them become preacher by reading books and scriptures
Given the environment that we have today : 2009-12-10 IST 23:25 We humans are responsible for bringing it to this stage (refer to chapter 'Vidhata' of book titled as "Vidhata" to understand the concept)
To return for another merry go round : Refer to Vidhata – analogy of the amusement park
Robot
Earlier, I had appealed to Him repeatedly that He takes the rein of my life into His hands. I had appealed to Him, over and again, for the privilege of my being of service to Him, instead of me working for my own needs, and these prayers seem to have been heard now.
One night as I was listening to the last chapter 18 of BhagavadGita. At Shlok 61 suddenly
I knew the answer, the work that lay ahead of me.
"O Arjun! This body is like a machine. Mounted on this machine, God with the aid of His
Maya makes it move around in accordance with the individual’s
Karm'. He knows what is in the heart of each creature. He is resident in the heart of
all the creatures."
At that moment, the analogy surfaced on my mind, how God creates man and monitors him, and how man creates robot and monitors it. I visualized myself as the machine and God as the operator.
Man creates robot, gives it partial intelligence to operate on its own in a limited way, retain its control in his hands, and operates it through the remote control system.
God creates man, gives him substantial amount of intelligence and together with that the freewill, so he could operate on his own; nevertheless, He retains the control in His hands, knows what the man does, and gives him his rewards according to his Karm (deeds). The reward monitoring system operates on its own but not without His knowledge, nor without His access to the remote control system (note 1)
It became clear to me that I am His instrument, and gradually now He has made me ready for the task He had for me. This is when I knew the task as well, for the first time. (note 2)
Then, one morning as I woke up, I found my desires extinguished, emptiness filled with a mission. I returned to India to start the work.
Him : When I write this, in my mind there is no difference between Him and Her, I use them quite interchangeably, as God in any aspect is only God to me, my address to Him/Her is immaterial
Maya : Refer to Vidhata (Jurisdiction of Maya: here we live)
Karm' : Refer to Vidhata (Bondage of Karm' – here we use our free will)
(note 1) : Refer to Epilogue – Mechanisms of Cosmic Management (2002) 2009-12-11 IST 0429 At that time I had planned to complete the chapter on Mechanisms of Cosmic Management as Epilogue to this work; for reasons no more I remember now it wasn’t done; and, after passage of so many years I have lost that knowledge the vision of which I had acquired one evening during meditation at 402–725 Don Mills Road, North York, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M3C 1S6; for, now I am a changed man; so much water has flown...and washed away all that...why that happened, see Epilogue, and you will understand...so much was documented but this one was left over...for TIME hadn’t yet come in the scheme of His designs for that part to be documented
(note 2) 2009-12-11 IST 0502 It had come as a flash and had disappeared almost immediately. The impression had remained fresh in my memory for quite some time but now with passage of time and with very substantial change in my person that impression too has become vague.
Then, one morning : It was Saturday 10 Nov. 2001 at 25 Mabelle Avenue, Etobicoke, ON
Robot (2001)
2001 Nov 10, Saturday 10 PM, 25 Mabelle Ave., Toronto
Man makes robot, in his own image and makes it move around.
There is something inside the robot on which man has its control and, in that manner, man's existence is reflected in the robot.
God creates man, in his own image and makes him move about. There is something inside the man on whom God has control and in that manner, God's presence is in the man.
Man gives robot some intelligence and robot functions partially with its own choice.
God gives man some intelligence, man calls it free will and, functions partially of his own choice, thereby generating own Karm.
Striking analogy is seen in verse 61 chapter 18 of BhagavadGita. Shri Krishn says to Arjun:
Lord resides in the hearts of all beings ... through His Maya, makes their body-like machine move about according to their Karm (past deeds)
What I haven't told you yet, will come to you when the TIME comes
2010, Discovery
What I have said here, I have said.
What I have not said, I have not said.
Please do not ask me about those.
When the TIME comes I shall reveal them without your asking me.
In some earlier edition of Gita Today I had made mention of this work My Journey to Him and
also said that TIME hasn’t come yet to publish it.
Now it’s here with you.
Similarly, other things will get revealed in TIME.
Generosity without evaluating possible consequences can be deadly
2010, last notes before releasing the manuscript to printer, Discovery
Generosity is good but being generous without evaluating possible consequences could be deadly.
In त्रेता Treta, दशरथ Dash’Rath gave three boons not knowing what would be asked in return when time comes to pay back. You all know what happened.
In द्वापर Dwaapar, देवव्रत Dev’Vrat made his legendary भीष्म प्रतिज्ञा Bheeshm Pratigya without evaluating what could be the outcome. You all know what all he had to endure in due course of time.
TIME takes account from us for every deed that we did.
TIME forgives none, forgets nothing.
Similarly, a जन्म-जन्मान्तर Janm-Janmaantar's वैरागी Vairaagi in his last leg of journey to Him, inadvertently gave his word to someone without taking into account what could be the outcome. This changed the course of his journey.
That one act of misjudged generosity necessitated one more birth to battle out the ordeals of worldly pleasures and pains, the course of which hasn’t ended yet.
One last sacrifice remains for this Yagya यज्ञ.
inadvertently not focusing the mind on the matter
