26 Dec 2011, 15:49 +05:30
I was reviewing this web page, when I was reminded of an episode from Naren's life and thought it could be a good beginning:
...Gopal, frightened, ran upstairs to the Master. Sri Ramakrishna only said: "Let him stay that way for a time. He has worried me for long enough."
After another long period Narendra regained full consciousness. Bathed in peace, he went to the Master, who said: Now the Mother has shown you everything. But the revelation will remain under lock and key, and I shall keep the key. When you have accomplished Mother's work you will find the treasure again."
Some days later, Narendra being alone with the Master, Sri Ramakrishna looked at him and went into Samaadhi. Narendra felt the penetration of a subtle force and lost all outer consciousness. Regaining presently the normal mood, he found the Master weeping.
Sri Ramakrishna said to him: "Today I have given you my all and now I am only a poor fakir, possessing nothing. By this power you will do immense good in the world, and not until it is accomplished will you return." Henceforth the Master lived in the disciple.
The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna, originally recorded in Bengali, in five volumes, by M, a disciple of the Master, ISBN 0-911206-01-9, p72
Later, Naren came to be known as Swami Vivekananda. As Naren, on his insistence, his Master had allowed him a taste of Nirvikalp' Samaadhi for a brief period. He mentioned later, if Naren was allowed to stay longer in similar state he would come to realize who he was, and then he would want to give up the body. This would leave the task undone for which he was born.
The remaining part of this page was written in 2002 after my return from Venezia, Italia:
Saturday, 13 March 1999
Storm that 'shattered all' at 'Her' Will — For, Divine Mother wanted my Return
This process of daily retreats to the total blankness - Oneness with the Unknown - went on for over a month, and then on Saturday 13 March 1999, something happened that totally removed me out of that state.
Quoting Romain Rolland from The Life of Ramakrishna [1928] page 42 :
“Then Ramakrishna intoned the Canticle of the Divine Mother. Come to Me! Either through Love (Bhakti), through Knowledge (Gyaan) or through Action (Karm), for all lead to God.
I will lead you through this world, the Ocean of action. And if you wish it, I will give you the knowledge of the Absolute as well. You cannot escape from Me. Even those who have realized the Absolute in Samaadhi return to Me at My will.”
Therefore, my return was inevitable. For, many more experiences of different type were yet to come. After those experiences, a predestined task was to be completed. Thus, I was led to another state of spiritual experience.
Canticle (Wikipedia) — A canticle (from the Latin canticulum, a diminutive of canticum, song) is a hymn (strictly excluding the Psalms) taken from the Bible. The term is often expanded to include ancient non-biblical hymns such as the Te Deum and certain psalms used liturgically.
16 July 2010
More than eleven years have passed by now. Over this period I have come to understand why my return was necessary.
Remaining in a state of Sthit'Pragya स्थितप्रज्ञ would have rendered me misfit to carry out the task that was in store for me.
It was the will of Ma Bhav'Taarini भवतारिणी that I had to return to this Bhav'Saagar' भवसागर. Ma Bhav'Taarini भवतारिणी had to prepare me for the challenges of this Bhav'Saagar भवसागर and next couple of years of preparation was needed for that.
To deal with the challenges of this Bhav'Saagar भवसागर one needed to stay within the ambit of Maya माया and develop a vision that would penetrate far beyond the smokes screen that doesn't let others see through.
Without the ability to work from within the ambit of Maya माया one would not be able to break the cordon that casts the spell and makes truth appear like untruth, and untruth appear like truth.
I have come to realize over these years that I would have to first pay back my debts ऋण to Dharti Mata धरती माता before I become worthy of Bhav'Taaran' भवतारण.
Therefore, having realized the Absolute in Samaadhi I had to return at the will of Ma Bhav'Taarini भवतारिणी. The events that took place on Saturday 13 March 1999, and thereafter, were only triggers to set in motion the phenomenon of my return.
17 July 2010, 1:51 PM
I also came to realize that I have to stay within the ambit of Maya माया and yet I have to stay away from Moh'-Maya मोह-माया; and if I failed, I would go back much behind and again, have to work my way through. It wasn't easy but having realized through Samaadhi समाधि as to where I have come from it wasn't that difficult either.
It is not that I did not slip down to the grip of Moh-Maya thereafter. I did, again and again. But then I came out of it unscathed after a while. Sometime I recovered quickly and sometime it took longer, and at times it took very long.
The grip of Moh-Maya मोह-माया could be so strong at times that I wouldn't want to come out of it. That is when Naaraayani Ma Bhav'Taarini नारायणी माँ भवतारिणी stepped in and created such circumstances that I would not want to stay within it.
Yes, 'She' let me experience the 'Oneness with the Unknown (The Absolute)' and thus, transported me beyond the ambit of Maya माया. Then 'She' only brought me back within the ambit of Maya माया because I had yet to fulfill my other obligations towards the humanity before I could qualify for my final release from the bondage of Maya / cycle of birth and death.
Arrival of Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna from Flemingdon Library
Around this time, I felt an innate desire for reading spiritual material. For long, I had been out of touch with spiritual material. The last memory of significant study of spiritual material goes back to my very early age, between eight and nine, when I completed reading the epic কৃত্তিবাসী রামায়্ণ Raamaayan', which I think ran into more than thousand pages (roughly 11.5" x 9"), from beginning till end, with a fervent desire.
Using the computer system of the Toronto Public Library, I placed hold on all relevant titles that I could spot and that held my interest. Every week thereafter, I started getting a bunch of books. I kept skimming through the pages, but none held my interest except one on Taantrik Buddhism.
What I was looking for was nowhere there. Finally arrived the last one The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna recorded by "M" and translated by Swami Nikhilananda. This book (the unabridged edition) gripped me totally, and transported me to a new horizon.
As I read the book, I felt as if I have known everything contained in it. AAs if all the conversations were recorded in that book in my presence or, for me, over a century ago. It was an amazing feeling. Curiously enough, in my present life, until then, I had never known about the existence of this book.
As I completed reading it, I felt as if every word had sunk within me without requiring a second reading. I could think, feel, and live by it for almost two years thereafter, until I was gradually exposed to BhagavadGita.
Raamaayan — My grandmother also had the epic MahaaBhaarat but somehow I did not develop any interest in it then. BhagavadGita is part of MahaaBhaarat.
Taantrik Buddhism — Snowboarding to Nirvana by Frederick Lenz, Ph.D., http://www.himalaya.com/
As I completed reading it — The due date for return to the library; arrived, and no extensions were permissible as there was a queue of people, who had also put up a request for it. I did not have the patience to wait for my turn at the end of the queue, and therefore I went to Vedanta Society of Toronto [Ramakrishna Mission], and bought a copy of it.
Living in two planes of consciousness at the same time
During the time to come, I remained in a state of a different kind of consciousness. There were two kinds of consciousness present most of the time.
At work, with one kind of consciousness, I would be working on the physical plane where my mind would be focused at the work in totality without a distraction, and functioning as always and as sharply as before.
At work, with the other kind of consciousness, my mind would be continuously flooding with the name the God. This would not be a conscious act, because I would not be thinking about it in the manner I would be thinking about the work, and yet the name of God would be flooding through my mind from where, I would not know.
At home, I would be lying down in the bed or on the carpeted floor, while my mind would be flooding with the name of Divine Mother. The body and its muscles all over would be mildly tightening, in a peculiar manner, as if gripping me with a great feeling and experience, that now I am at loss of words to describe. I remember I would not want to get out of that experience. The process would continue for hours, or for most of the day. Blissfully, I would remain in the thoughts of Divine Mother.
At work | Continuously flooding with — Suite 918–555 Richmond Street West, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M5V 3B1 (1999 February to March second week)
At home — 402–725 Don Mill Rd, North York, Canada – this was during April-July 1999
Divine Mother is the personification of the Supreme Soul in Its female aspect
physical plane — plane: a level of development, existence, or achievement
June - July 1999
Becoming very emotional in a deep devotional sense
From about June-July 1999, things started changing and I tended to become very emotional in a deep devotional sense.
I would often cry like a lost child, from the very depth of my heart for the Divine Mother; tears would flood through my eyes. The feeling of love for God was so intense that nothing else around me would matter.
At North York District Library in Canada, I found an audiocassette belonging to the forgotten yesteryears. It was in Bengali, titled as কালো মেযের পাযের তলায় Kaalo Meyer Paayer Taulaay, sung by Mrinal Kaanti Ghosh. Its appeal to me was stupendous! I would go into a state as if I was talking to the Divine Mother, spontaneously bursting into spell of cries, in course of singing along with Mrinaal Kaanti Gosh.
Listening to him, I would feel the pang of having lost my mother, I like a small child on the road, lost in the crowd, searching for my Mother who would pick me up in Her arms, and love me. I would ask Her why She had deserted me, left me unescorted in the crowd of this mad world, why do I have to be part of these sufferings!
As I write these lines now, for the first time after a long time, tears rolled down my eyes. I can feel those days back, and the feeling is so beautiful! There is nothing like this, in the dryness of Knowledge, and the Oneness of total blankness.
The way love can fill our heart, and wash the dirt from our mind, is something that can only be experienced, not expressed!
Bhakti'Yog' — Emotional in a deep devotional sense Probably, it happens with many.
Quoting Romain Rolland in his book The Life of Ramakrishna [1928] at page 25 — “The way of Bhakti was the way the blind instinct of Ramakrishna had unconsciously adopted from the first. But he knew nothing of its winding and lurking ambushes.”
Aug - Sep 1999
Money Wealth Assets all became insignificant to me
I would not want to have anything to do with money if I possibly could, in those days. I would not want to think of money; I would almost hate the thought of it.
In August and September 1999, I signed two legal documents giving away all my assets, leaving not a penny to myself, except my monthly salary for ongoing expenses.
After this, I felt so light within myself, and had a delightful feeling that finally I would no more be required of carrying the burden of property. It could have been the transitory stage of Sannyaas'Yog' in my life, in a very limited way.
Giving away all my assets — On my own volition, I executed two legal documents at the Law Office situated in a nearby Mall at Overlea Boulevard, North York, Toronto, Canada M4H 1C3. I used to visit this Mall for cash withdrawals through ABM [Any Bank Machine] and while doing so I spent my leisure time in window shopping. The lawyer's name was Said Mohammedally, Barrister, Solicitor & Notary Public. He had his Law Office at this Mall.
added on 2010 10 17 from BhagavadGita Gyaan'Karm'Sannyaas'Yog 4:28 — "Some people sacrifice their material wealth or, their Tap तप or, their Yog' in form of Yagya".
Toronto, end of 1999
Take my worldly responsibilities away, Ma Bhav'Taarini...
written at Yogeeta, 25 September 2002
Somewhere about this time, I appealed to the Divine Mother to take my worldly responsibilities away, so that I may keep undiluted attention towards my journey to ‘Her’.
About the end of 1999, Divine Mother started removing them from me, gradually, and surgically.
As Ma Bhav'Taarini took them away from me, ‘She’ took them upon ‘Herself’.
But I had not understood this until now that I sit down to write these lines.
I begged of Ma Bhav'Taarini to take full control of my life and..
I begged Her to take control of my life, and use it the way She would want. I would want to feel devoid of any personal desire or freewill. I would want Her to exercise my freewill on my behalf. I would not want to have any freewill to myself, by handing over my total existence to Her. I would not want any of my egos; all of it dissolved into Her, the Divine Mother.
I would want to see Him as my Master, with complete surrender of my ego unto Him, the Supreme Soul. He would be my Master and I would be His servant, entirely dedicated to Him. The state of my inner feelings in those days is not very easy to describe.
All that I can say is that I was in total समर्पण भाव Samarpan' Bhaav' towards Shri Naaraayan' / Naaraayani Ma Bhav'Taarini.
In those days, I could be very oblivious of worldly needs...
In those days, I could be very oblivious of worldly needs, and live entirely in Her realm.
During this period, some intricate details of cosmic functioning opened up in my mind, during meditations. Of one of them, I have the vivid memory, as if it were happening just before my eyes, as a continuous process.
II remained in Her realm, in a state of bliss. This experience was, however, very different. It was not like the one I had earlier in February 1999.
in Her realm — The Divine Mother, Bhav’Taarini, One who frees us from the bondages of the mortal world, and whom Shri RaamKrishn worshipped
BhagavadGita Adhyaay 2 — Shlok 64-65 — But whose mind is under control, who is devoid of pleasure or envy, who remains independent within himself; such person lives with the sense-objects (without avoiding them) and yet, retains the purity of his soul and attains the calm. Attaining this state of mind, all his grieves end. Soon he attains stable wisdom. 2010 10 17
I did not see any difference then between 'Him' and 'Her'
I would be in love with 'Him', 'He' being everything to me, the very basis of my existence. This feeling was something that enveloped my whole being into a kind of bliss that is difficult to express in words.
In this state, the difference between 'He' and 'She', the Supreme Soul in 'Its' male and female aspects, would not matter. However, as far I recollect now, most of my emotional overtures would be directed towards the Divine Mother, as 'Her' child.
Now that I am out of that mental makeup, I have only recollections of those relationships that were like mother and child, and/or master and servant.
I did not see any difference then between 'Him' and 'Her'. Sometimes I would take fancy in experiencing the company in one form, and sometimes in another form.
Master and servant while perceiving 'Him' as Shri Naaraayan
Mother and child while perceiving 'Her' as Naaraayani Ma Bhav'Taarini
Forgetting Him, we fight; remembering Him, we unite!
With time, I was to learn that Naaraayan is the revelation of the male aspect, and Divine Mother Bhav’Taarini the revelation of the female aspect.
This creation has originated from the Supreme Soul, and this creation requires blending of the male and female aspects.
To give shape to this creation the Supreme Soul Itself assumes male and female aspects.
Now I can perceive these, but earlier I could not. For perception to me, is nothing but experiencing it. He knew my limitation and He led me to the understanding of it.
For me now, He is the only Truth that is permanent. Life has taught me that every other truth, at best, is transitory!
In that state of mind names did not matter. Loving God did.
Those who do not love God sincerely enough, but say that they do; only such people fight over the names!
Such people try to establish that they alone are right. Where does the right and wrong matter, when we are in His realm?
When we are in love with Him or Her, all those distinctions of name, religion, cult, and faith, all that disappear, only remains one reality that is He!
Forgetting Him, we fight; remembering Him, we unite!
In that state of mind I could not have performed the task I was to be entrusted later. And for that reason, Ma Bhav'Taarini pulled me back to this whirlpool of Maya माया. However, it did take me considerable time to get accustomed to that, as we will come to notice as we progress through this narrative. 19 July 2010 03:10 AM +0530
Veil of Maya माया at play, and my Struggle to escape
Even after return from Nirvikalp Samaadhi—the realm beyond Maya —I was thrown back into the world of माया Maya again and again. For, I was to be put on a different job which needed full exposure to माया Maya and its ways. This I came to understand years later. [1]
Many a times I had asked 'Ma' to take me away as I had no use for my body but then 'She' wouldn't listen to it. Much later I realized that 'She' had a task carved out for me, and I could not give this body until I played my part of the role in this larger game plan.
[1] February 2011, 05:28 AM | updated 15 May 2011, 05:55 AM
Late Dec 1999 onwards —
Beginning of the Return to the World of माया Maya
Living in 'His' / 'Her' realm may have been bliss, but the time for honeymoon was over. Now was the time to face the harsh realities of the world once again. From these realizations were to emerge another source of knowledge that would benefit many.
The return, however, would not be so easy. There would be instances that would want to drag me back to the material world, quite forcibly against my will. I would want to resist, and I would be able to do so but only for some length of time. Then some kind of external force would mysteriously create yet another new situation, and it would want to drag me out, again. The inner struggle would be intense, and invariably I would lose, every time a bit by bit.
The process started shortly before Christmas of 1999 and continued through after my return to India. I was being brought back to the gradual awareness of the material world. This transition was very painful, as I did not want to return.
The process had left me confused as to why was I being dragged back to those worldly realizations, which I had once left far behind and had no inclination to return to.
Return from the realm of love and beauty to the world of crude realities was not easy. It would create many waves on the mental plane. The disturbances at emotional level would be quite unsettling.
Through 2000 —
Divine Mother would lift the veil occasionally and drop it again
The Divine Mother would lift the veil occasionally, and I would be able to see through clearly. I would know why it was all happening to me. I would have no regrets. I would understand Her fully and Her ways as well.
I would see that whatever is happening is part of a much larger script being enacted at the stage of this world, and myself as only one small part of that script, only an actor enacting my own role in it.
Then the veil would be dropped before my eyes again, and I would react to each situation as a person, who sees only that much, as much is visible. My thoughts, actions, emotions would be guided by my ego, where I would be employing my free will the way I would choose.
Again, the veil would be lifted temporarily, and I would see the futility of my thoughts and actions. I would see clearly that I was being part of a larger game plan, simply an instrument.
At that time, however, I would not understand that the game was 'not' drawn at Her whim and fancy. Its seed remained buried in the actions of my present and my past, and the direction towards which my future was now taking shape to.
There would be a constant tug-of-war between two opposing forces: one that would be driven by my ego that would want control over my free will; and the other: my surrender of ego to Her, where I had appealed Her to take control of my life in Her own hands.
The hide and seek would continue thus, alternately repeating the process, with intervals, when the veil would be lifted, and then dropped again.
I mentioned it to my friend Hans Dhingra about it as he was driving me to the Pearson International Airport at Toronto, but I am not sure if I was able to convey to Him properly what I wanted to say, because he made no response. For, such things can only sound like riddles without self-experience. With self-experience, they may appear as clear as an image in a clean mirror.
Life is like a puzzle, with only few pieces of the puzzle given to us at a time. Putting together few pieces alone, we never get the full picture!
Toronto, Feb-Apr 2000 —
Those two drives before returning to India that I cannot forget
I have been visiting the temples quite frequently, now for about one and half year, and I had come to know the routes very well. I remember one specific incidence that I was driving to Oakville from North York, and through the drive, my mind was flooded with the thought Ma…Ma…Ma…it was the thought of my Divine Mother.
My eyes were glued on the highway and the signs of passing exits, but my mind was flooded with emotions for Mother. I was driving quite mechanically, more like a machine (having put my Ford Taurus in auto-drive mode), on that fast flow of traffic where I would be on a moderate speed of 110-120 as compared to most others who were passing by quickly ahead of me. I was in two kinds of consciousness then, with one managing the traffic, with the other oblivious of the surroundings diving into the love of Divine Mother.
I believed that my eyes were glued at the overhead signs of passing exits, and I was constantly looking for Bronte Exit. It probably arrived and passed by, while I remained oblivious of it in thoughts of the Mother, and at some point of time, I came to realize that I was driving on an unfamiliar road, probably heading towards Hamilton or Niagara Falls (I think now the overhead signs said so). I had to return and with difficulty, I found my way back to Oakville Vaishnodevi temple.
Something very similar happened after sometime when I was heading towards yet another well-known destination Vedanta Society of Toronto (Ramakrishna Mission). My mind was flooded with the name of Divine Mother; I lost the way to Ramakrishna Mission. With a long detour, I arrived there finally. I had scheduled an appointment with Swami Promathananda.
After tea together in his chamber we went up to the hall upstairs and then, I narrated both the incidences to him, and enquired why does it happen like that? I think this second incidence was sometimes in March or April 2000, because I visited him to speak about my desire to visit Kamarpukur, the birthplace of Shri RaamKrishn, for saadhna (spiritual discipline).
As I left Ramakrishna Mission, on my way back the same question resurfaced my thoughts. Why is it that I lost my way to Vaishnodevi Temple and to Ramakrishna Mission, though I had driven on those routes so many times, and I knew the routes by heart; and it happened only on those few occasions when my mind would be flooded with the name of my Divine Mother?
As I continued driving back home (from Ramakrishna Mission), suddenly from nowhere the answer stormed my mental plane: “Where are you looking for Me? At Vaishnodevi temple or Ramakrishna Mission or Kamarpukur? Why, I am here; right in your heart, in your mind, in your whole being! You go all the way there, in search of Me? What for? Just look for Me within yourself, and you will find Me right there, with you”!
After that, I did not need to go out looking for Her, elsewhere. Nevertheless, I did retain the desire to visit Kamarpukur, other places of pilgrimage in India, and Mother Teresa’s in Calcutta.
I could, however, visit Kamarpukur only as late as in September 2001, and after reaching there, I came to the same realization! I returned immediately and the desire, to visit other places, was extinguished.
Passing by quickly : I also noticed a Police car passed by me, breaking the speed limits displayed, though it wasn't chasing any one
I narrated both the incidences to him : On 17 October 2002, I sent a copy of this work to Swami Promathananda. I informed him that I had mentioned his name on this page.
March or April 2000 : this was the time I was allowed by Hugh Molyneux (in principle) leave from work (dates not decided yet) for pilgrimage (in India)
Same question resurfaced : Rationalist would want to argue that my mind was not actively present while I was watching the road signs, and therefore, I missed the appropriate exit. However, I would not buy that, because it only describes the process, the mechanism as to how it could have happened, but not something that lay at the root of it, something more fundamental.
Probably Divine Mother was trying to tell me something that I was not yet able to hear!
For argument sake, let me agree with the rationalistic approach and assume for a moment that my mind was so very absent that, I missed the exit signs (ignoring for the moment that I distinctly remember that my eyes were glued to them and were searching for the specific one). Then I have one question: With such kind of absence of mind, how did I drive on such high-speed roads, for such long distances, without a single violation of traffic rules, and without causing a single accident in the process?
Toronto, Canada, Apr-May 2000 —
They had told others about my having Realized God
As I begin recounting these memories, different incidences keep surfacing on my mental plane. BG and his wife G G had come to look at my Ford Taurus Station Wagon having learnt from HD that I was selling it before my departure from Canada. While BG was test-driving it, G G said:
"Bhaisaheb (Brother)! Would you speak to BG about God? That is all he seeks in his life, and Hans Bhaisaheb said that you have realized God!"
I do not know what had made Hans Dhingra say so to them,
but few days later when I went to HD’s house to leave my briefcase containing my testimonials
and documents (just in case, I ever returned to Canada, I might need them), HD’s wife TD said
in a manner that touched me:
"Bhaisaheb! It is our good fortune that you have come to our home.
Hans was saying that he sat before you, and you were speaking
to him about God, and he felt only if he could stay like that, listening to you like that, for
all the while".
Around that time Francis Yip returned from Hong Kong, and seeing my email that I was leaving Canada for good (we had been out of touch for quite some time; during the days of my upheavals I had lost touch with all my friends), came rushing to see me. We spoke for long and then went out for lunch at an Indian restaurant. Later, I do not remember well exactly when and in what context, he said something like this, referring to our talks on that morning:
"I saw light in your eyes!
As I could not have seen myself, I would not know what all was happening to me around those days, except that I remember now that I was madly in love with Him, call Him God, Divine Mother, or anything else.
G G said : It was about the end of April or beginning of May 2000. At that time they were living at 58 Davisbrook Blvd, Scarborough ON M1T 2J1. Now they have moved. They did not have any email address, when we met last in May 2000. I could not mail them a copy of this work, seeking their permission to my making references to what they had said to me.
That is all he seeks in his life : 2010-09-29 AM 05:46 : BG was associated with Self-Realization Fellowship of Paramahansa Yogananda, and was practicing their Kriya Yoga details of which they were not supposed to reveal to anyone. During the process of Kriya Yoga he had seen huge light exploding in his mind. That's all he shared with me. Self-Realization Fellowship claims that Kriya Yoga teaches you scientific approach to attaining God. With the "scientific" tag attached to it many people who live on that side of planet appear to love it. However, I spoke to him about BhaktiYog because I had personal experience of that. And, frankly I did not believe in any "scientific" approach to attaining God as if it was an experiment conducted in laboratory. More importantly, when some organization claims copyright and trademark on attaining God and wants to hide how to attain God from those who aren't paying for their course, is something, I simply cannot have any respect for.
Hans Dhingra : (2010 Aug) http://ca.linkedin.com/in/hansdhingra
That touched me : It was first week of May 2000 at 90 Beckenridge Drive, Markham ON L3S 3B1, Canada.
Hans : Hans and I came to know each other in February 1998. We became friends after my cardiac arrest. Our friendship was dissolved sometimes around June-July 2000. Two years later, on 17 October 2002, I sent a copy of this work to Hans. I informed him the specific page numbers on which I had mentioned him. I sent the mail to his last known email address, but it returned promptly, undelivered with a comment: invalid recipient. Possibly, he had changed his email address.
Francis Yip is a senior Buddhist Monk, having migrated from Hong Kong, and my classmate at (erstwhile Honeywell's) The Institute for Computer Studies, 155 Gordon Baker Road, Suite 402, North York, Toronto, Ontario M2H 3N5 Canada
Came rushing to see me : It was during first week of May 2000 at 402-725 Don Mill Rd condominium
I saw light in your eyes : On 17 October 2002, I sent a copy of this work to FY. I informed him the specific page numbers on which I had mentioned him.
- BhagavadGita Adhyaay 2 Shlok 70-71-72 "That person (not the one who chases desires) attains true peace whose mind remains steady despite living with all sense-objects, like the ocean that remains stable despite water flowing-in from all directions through river(s). That man finds peace who lives by giving up all desires, remains indifferent and detached, and devoid of ego. O Arjun, this is the state of a God realized person. Having attained this state, he does not get infatuated. When his end comes, he stays in the same state, and attains Brahm". 2010-10-17
Toronto / Borivali / Nerul, Apr-Aug 2000 —
Overwhelmed in भक्तियोग BhaktiYog'
I have one vivid memory of my bursting into loud cry, holding on to the wooden panel of living room wall of my condominium at North York, begging Her for company of such people only with whom I could talk about God through the day and night. It was within one or two weeks before my departure from Toronto in May 2000.
I remember about continuation of this condition even after my return to India in May 2000. Many a poems that I had written those days in being separated from the Divine Mother are in my dairy.
I still have another vivid memory of my singing to Her begging Her to take me away from here into Her own world, asking Her how long will it take more, and then bursting into spell of cry, standing at the bedroom window of my New Bombay house where I lived alone, sometime about June-August 2000.
Written those days : late July 2000 Yogeeta, early August 2000 Shiv Palm Beach
Borivali, Mumbai / Nerul, Navi Mumbai, 2000 —
He had obviously not given me the command to speak for Him, yet!
After my return to India, I would watch in dismay the Indian youth, busy acquiring a Western lifestyle, and would wonder why did I come back here; to see what, this rat race, the rush for materialistic gains; to acquire a Western clothing on an Eastern soul?
I would see people who were at their advanced age, now freed from most of their obligations towards life, whose children had grown up and now capable of supporting themselves. I would see these elderly people having adequate resources to live on their last years of life, but not focused entirely on their journey towards God. I found them occupied with their attachments towards family, friends, television, and so on.
I would feel pain at my heart for them, noticing them whiling away their last days of life, not investing it for attaining Him and Him alone. I would find them religious, but not entirely devoted to Him alone. I would tell them in anguish, why are you wasting these precious remaining years of life, when you have no familial obligations left, why do you not seek Him and Him alone.
I would want to tell them that you are fortunate to have reached this stage in life, but you are not using it properly for what you can, now. I would see that what they are busy with, would not lead them to Him, it will lead them to more of attachments and nothing else. It was the time in their life to grow over those attachments, try to free themselves from those shackles. At times, my anguish for them would be so intense that I would literally shout at them in pain, scold them for losing out this opportunity to seek Him. I would not care that they were elderly people, and I ought to be speaking to them with respect.
I gradually started realizing that the time has not come yet for me to speak to them. For, I did not possess the knack of convincing them properly. My love for Him could be intense, but that does not give me right to speak to others through my anguish over their lifestyle. He had, obviously, not given me the command to speak for Him, yet!
This was all happening around middle to end of the year 2000 when I alternately lived in Bombay and New Bombay
Borivali, Mumbai / Nerul, Navi Mumbai, 2000 —
I was at pain seeing people do not realize they all are...
I was at pain seeing that people do not realize that they all are travelers, and this world is just another station. That, they have made this station as their true home, having lost the knowledge of their true origin and ultimate destination.
I was at pain seeing them under mistaken belief, that it is they, who create what is around them, not realizing that they are only trying to replicate what "He" has already created around them.
I felt helpless seeing men, intoxicated with their quest for technological advances, marching towards that which takes them farther from Him, who has created us all.
Nerul, Navi Mumbai, 2000 —
Distinction between Good people and Bad people had been Obliterated having been permitted to
move beyond Ambit of Maya माया
As I lie down in the bed my mind is transported to the memories of earlier days, when my mental state was such that I could not distinguish between myself, and others. What seemed natural to me seemed natural for others too!
My memory flies back to those long forgotten days, when Shankar and his people were painting my house at Nerul, New Bombay. Those days I lived alone and cooked simple food for myself. I cooked for me and for all them, and then we all sat down on the floor and ate together. They expressed very special feelings about this as in their experience it is not done (in their words : no one does it).
For me the feelings were quite different. I felt it quite gratifying that God gave me the opportunity to cook food for all of them with my own hands and then eat together with them. Few such other instances of different kinds resurfaced on my mind now.
My heart would be filled with compassion and love for others, disregard their faith and religion and nationality, wanting to share resources at my disposal; seeing in everyone the image of the same God whom I worshipped.
That purity of heart I have lost now, having been transported back to the ambit of Maya माया; with only the memory left that living in His world was so very satisfying, where there were no distinctions.
The distinction between good people and bad people had been obliterated in those days. For, I had been permitted to move beyond the ambit of Maya. It was the Will of Ma Bhav'Taarini to let me experience that aspect of life as well so I could appreciate the mental state of people like Shri RaamKrishn ParamHans Deo. All people looked good to me, in those days. I had lost recognition of bad elements in others. Bad in others did not disturb me then. The happiness within me was of a different kind. I felt much more pure within me, because my feelings towards others had become so pure.
Those days : It was probably early June of 2000
Ambit of Maya माया : Having returned to the full awareness of this material world, now, I have lost that purity of thoughts and emotions.
so I could appreciate the mental state of people like Shri RaamKrishn ParamHans Deo :
Now, black appears black, and white appears white. When bad influences my life, now, I feel disturbed.
I did not understand 'then' why 'He' robbed me of that state. I realize 'now' that the task I have had ahead of me could not have been accomplished in that state of mind.
BhagavadGita 4:35 - "O Paandav पाण्डव (Arjun)! Availing this Knowledge you will not be blinded by this kind of Moh' मोह. And with this you will come to see all beings in your soul and within Me". 2010 10 17
Nerul, Jun-Aug, 2000 —
I had hidden close to my chest the desire to become a Sannyaasi
On 7 May 2000 when I left Canada, I had hidden close to my chest the desire to become a Sannyaasi, one who renounces the world, and with that renounces the family name and ties. Therefore, I gave up all that I had including a good well paid permanent job and returned to India with minimum necessary clothes and personal belongings. I had also decided on my new name ‘Samarpit Uske Charno May’ meaning ‘surrendered the self at His feet’. I had hoped to travel on foot through the length and breadth of India.
I began changing my lifestyle. I lived in solitude, slept on floor, washed my clothes with my hands. I cooked food myself, offered them to God and then ate it as Prasaad प्रसाद (His blessing). I had no money of my own. My mother gave me sufficient money for my expenses, but initially I tried to spend as little as possible. I wanted to prepare myself before I could leave home for destinations unknown.
He, my invisible Master, had other plans for me. He had His unique ways to convey that as well. He knew better that He Himself had given me the tenacity not to give up once I have had a resolve in my mind. Simplest way was to put up as many obstructions as possible until finally I got the message.
From June/July I started getting sicknesses one after the other until I felt thoroughly dispirited and wanted to go back to Canada. I booked my flight, postponed it twice, and finally gave up the idea, as I had no physical fitness to start life all over again in Canada without money.
I had become very weak and it had become very clear to me that I did not have the physical fitness to travel anywhere in India, leave aside being on foot! My immune system had become incapable of a single exposure to outside food and water, so where was the question of travel out of Bombay?
Anyhow, finally I got the message that I was not slated to become a Sannyaasi! By now my detachment towards worldly life had considerably diluted. I had other attachments that had come in my way, and I had realized that I had prior birth(s) commitments to fulfill yet. This was all happening around last two months of 2000.
Getting sicknesses one after the other : Finally, I was admitted at the ICCU (Intensive Cardiac Care Unit) of Harish Hospital, Plot No. 22, Sector 3, Nerul, Navi Mumbai 400706 from 24 Aug to 26 Aug 2000
other attachments had come in my way : BhagavadGita 2:59, 60, 61: "When such person withdraws himself from the objects that appeal to his senses, he is not physically gratifying his senses. Yet, deep within him somewhere remains buried the desire. This deep-seated desire also gets extinguished after vision of the Creator. Even if the person is wise, uses proper discretion, puts adequate efforts; yet his powerful senses turn his mind towards attachments. While keeping these senses under control, one should immerse his thoughts in Me". 2010 10 17
Mumbai, Aug-Sep 2000, July 2001 —
Glimpses into my Prior births
During August and September 2000, I learnt certain fragmented details about my prior birth(s). The questions had earlier surfaced my mind repeatedly but I had no access to the answers.
He only knows when the time is right for a soul to have access to certain kind of information. He only triggers the instruments that come in action and carry such knowledge to the destination.
Such things are not in our control, and they do not happen by our choosing. I came to know of them now only by His Grace, at a time He chose.
Subsequent efforts on my part to know more of such information became futile, until He chose again to part with some more fragmented details of one of my prior births, about a year later, in July 2001.
The knowledge of such kind was of significant interest to me, but yet inadequate to explain to my conviction, about the incidences of my retreat to total blankness - Oneness with the Unknown, until I had further exposure to BhagavadGita, which finally set my all doubts at rest!
Aug 1996, Apr/May 1998, Aug/Sep 1998, Aug 2000, Jul 2001 —
Glimpses into the end of this Life
In August 2000, I learnt, with His Grace, something definitive indication about the end of my present birth, and during next month a confirmation of it. About a year later, in July 2001, I had reconfirmation of that; also some additional knowledge about that. About four years ago, in August 1996, I had learnt about it in a different light, but in a definitive way, and again two years later, in August or September 1998 I had confirmation of that, but in those days I retained it in my mind, and did not give due importance to it.
Sometime in April/May 1998, I had an indication about it in yet another different way, but I had then ignored it. Much earlier, about ten twelve years ago, sometime between 1986 and 1990, I had very similar indications but those were very early days for me to have attached any significance to them.
Now looking back in this light, I realize why there had been such a rush during my present birth, to experience this world and this life, and all kind of spiritual experiences as well as the worldly experiences, and to be over with them, as if once for all. Life’s ways are, indeed, very mysterious!
Sometime between 1986 and 1990 : The period has faded away from my memory, and I can only correlate it with the place I was living then, that is, O-9-10 Nensey Complex, Western Express Highway, Borivali East, Bombay 400066
Rush during my present birth : for living through worldly experiences, and re-living through spiritual experiences
and to be over with them, as if once for all : BhagavadGita Adhyaay 4 Shlok 9 - "O Arjun! In this manner, one who truly knows of My Divine Birth and Divine Karm', through his intuition – that conscious person, after giving up the body, meaning after death, does not receive a rebirth. He is received by Me". 2010-10-17
Nerul, early 2001 —
Hidden Treasure of Ancient knowledge
Somewhere around those days, I became aware of the vast treasure of knowledge buried from the days of ancient India, when it was known as BhaaratVarsh. I started buying books and studying a lot. I felt I did not need anything else. I would be happy if I had plenty to read and learn.
I dived into certain branches of Vedic knowledge that were focused at human living and I was amazed to find the in-depth work by ancients. Many a principles I tested on myself, favorable and unfavorable, both types, making myself a guinea pig, only to be proved of their validity.
I also realized the ‘root cause’ why (not how) the knowledgebase had been lost into antiquity. Clearer picture about this ‘why’ emerged, however, only after I had adequate exposure to BhagavadGita.
Somehow, those could not hold my interest for very long, probably because my destination was elsewhere!
Somewhere around those days : early 2001 Shiv Palm Beach, Nerul, New Bombay
Nerul, early 2001 —
Package of out-of-production 'Tapes' that waited for me—rather uncared for at Rhythm House—were
to play an important role in my life in 'Time' to come
Somewhere during this transition, I started listening to a collection of ten audiotapes on BhagavadGita with original Shloks beautifully recited in Sanskrit, and excellent translation (in Hindi) retold exceptionally well by Harish Bhimani. This translation mirrored my experiences very well.
I was drawn toward an old package lying on the shelf of Rhythm House in Bombay. The packaging was partially torn, looked uncared for—unlike other moving items, probably waiting for me. Later, I learnt that this collection was no more available in the market as the manufacturer, Oriental Gramophone Record Company, had closed down its business.
I had bought it without any specific intention at that point of time. Shortly after, as I began to listen the first tape, I simply found no interest in continuing with it. I had even entertained the thought of returning the package to Rhythm House for a refund or exchange with another product!
May be the time was not ripe, then. I was too deep in Bhakti'Yog', and probably I needed time to come out of its spell, and be able to appreciate the deep knowledge of BhagavadGita.
Somewhere during this transition : about early 2001 at Shiv Palm Beach, Nerul, Navi Mumbai
Rhythm House : While typing these lines (Aug-Oct 2002), I called Rhythm House and I was told that they had none left to sell. I realize now that I was led to that box of audiotapes with a definite purpose, not known to me then!
no more available in the market - Wednesday 29 Sept 2010 PM 06:47 - To check if the company has restarted its business or not, I made a search at Google for Oriental Gramophone Record Company and got the address, map and telephone numbers as shown in the attached screenshot. I called the first number and was told that it was a residence; in other words, the phone number that once belonged to Oriental Gramophone Record Company has been assigned to some individual. The second number kept ringing, there was no response. The address shown in screenshot may have been the address at which Oriental Gramophone Record Company may have had its office once upon a time. Google map only indicated the location of that address and may have had nothing to do with the Oriental Gramophone Record Company any more. Information sitting on Internet for a decade or more has become irrelevant and no one had thought of removing it. I have therefore, submitted a report for correction.
Borivali, Mumbai, Nerul, Navi Mumbai 2001 —
Transition from BhaktiYog' भक्तियोग towards Gyaan'Yog' ज्ञानयोग
Months later, as I listened to other cassettes of the same package, I found myself mysteriously drawn towards them, with each Shlok unfolding before me the knowledge, which I felt as if I had known sometime in the distant past. May be this was the beginning of my transition towards Gyaan'Yog', in a limited way.
At times, the answers to the questions that I had been seeking for long came back to me with a flash, as if I had already known them, but somehow I had forgotten about them.
Sometimes, they would unfold before my eyes one by one, as if they were hidden somewhere in my memory from my prior births (because, during present birth, I had read only few Shloks, probably ten, almost three years ago, during August-September 1998).
Audiocassettes contained no explanations at all, yet the meaning of most other Shloks appeared to be so very familiar to me. This all could be beyond familiar logic to many.
At times : It was about mid-2001 at B11/1:3 Shiv Palm Beach, Nerul
Sometimes : It was about Sept-Oct 2001 at 20 Yogeeta, Borivali
This all could be beyond familiar logic to many - BhagavadGeeta 4:33 - Because O Paarth (Arjun)! The end of all Karm'—is Knowledge. 4:37 "O Arjun! As blazing fire consumes all fuel, similarly, fire of Knowledge consumes (reduces to ashes) all Karm'. 4:38 In this world – like Knowledge – there is no other sacred thing. Through Yog' – properly accomplished man – gets this Knowledge – automatically – when time comes". 20101017
Quoting Romain Rolland from his book The Life of Ramakrishna pages 25-26 “The way of Gyaan' is that of the absolute or impersonal God. The way of Bhakti is that of the personal God – at least its pilgrims linger long on the way before finally rejoining the pilgrim of Gyaan”.
Mumbai, 2000 - 2002 —
Money was given back to me with a purpose not to give it away
For many years I held the unshakable faith that 'He' who waters the plants, 'He' who feeds the birds, 'He' would take care of my needs. My faith was blind and 'He' had protected it all along.
By now, good amount of money had come to me in form of large number of stocks in one corporation in which I had once held a very senior position.
I felt, by bringing money to me, Bhav’Taarini, the Divine Mother was probably trying to bind me again. My hands were restless; they would not want to retain money. I started looking for avenues to spend it away. I sent large amounts of money to charitable organizations to feed people; and to send books to public libraries and University libraries in Canada and USA, and to friends in India and overseas. Like this, I kept finding use for money.
I compassionately extended loans to those who would give me an appealing story, without having true intention to return the money. In those days, I felt it was 'His' money, me as the custodian, only to distribute it freely.
Probably Divine Mother had not given me the money for this, and therefore, 'She' gradually made me realize that money at my disposal was limited. That I needed to learn that in today’s world we need to be financially independent in order to be able to do what we need to do and what we want to do.
If I could not keep myself financially independent then soon my mind would be engaged in finding means for survival. If that was what Divine Mother wanted then 'She' would not have brought money to me. She would have let me struggle my way through and earn it for myself. I came to realize that She had given me the money so that I do not worry about my day-to-day needs; instead, focus on something that She would want me to do. I, however, did not know yet what was it that Divine Mother wanted me doing as the time progresses.
Again, Divine Mother had 'Her' unique ways to convey that to me. From July 2000 to August 2001, my stocks (equity shares) gradually lost their market value by 90 to 95 percent. Now they were worth only 5 to 7 percent of their value, as compared to the value when I got them in marketable state by end of July 2000.
I would not want to remain aware of the slide in market value of my assets. There would be others, who would keep reminding me. The process stretched over a year, and that made me aware of the importance of money. It also made me conscious that these stocks were all that I had to live on for the rest of my life, if I were not going to work for my living again.
After this awareness dawned on me, market value of stocks started rising and over next eight months, by April 2002, they gradually regained their lost value. Shortly thereafter, they started their downward march once again, only to lose one-third of their market value before stabilizing.
Through this process of ups and downs, I kind of became aware of the need to monitor and protect my limited assets, if I wanted to remain financially independent and work for what I would love to, and not for my survival. And yet, I was not able to seriously think about it, and put it into action until two months after my return from Venice.
Sent large amounts of money : Sixty thousand comprising thirty five thousand for books published by Advaita Ashrama, Calcutta; The Ramakrishna Math, Chennai; Voice of India, New Delhi; and, twenty five thousand for feeding village-dwellers on Thaakur's birthday, sent to Ramakrishna Mission at KaamaarPukur, the birthplace of RaamKrishn ParamHans Dev)
It was 'His' money : I remember of few incidences when I said to others that it was Thaakur ‘s money. Devotees called Shri RaamKrishn ParamHans Dev as Thaakur. In those days, I perceived him as an Avataar of Shri Naaraayan, as the legends say. It was not a matter of superstition; in such exalted states of devotion, often a devotee sees everything as an expression of the Supreme Soul. The people whom I gave money, I thought of them as not different from me; their needs were my needs. Then, where was the question of not thinking of Thaakur as an Avataar? Thaakur itself means God, in Bengali. Thaakur was my ladder to Bhav’Taarini, the Divine Mother, in this birth again! Written 2002 Aug-Oct
Written 2010 10 18 - Having been through the process that I have already described and that I shall describe hereafter, I have come to the conclusion that a god-realized person should never be equated with god because god-realized person still lives within the ambit of Maya and is not yet Gunaateet गुणातीत
More importantly it has great dangers, for instances, having firmly established that RaamKrishn was God's Avataar later day disciples with ulterior motives have given his words new meaning equating Hinduism with Islam and Christianity, and thus, mislead vast majority of Hindus whereas their conspiracy had no effect on Muslims and Christians who continued to believe that Hinduism is not equal to and far inferior than Christianity and Islam. For them Hindus were and are heathens.
Dec 1999 to Jun 2002 —
Gradual return to the material World
Gradually, I regained the memory of names of many acquaintances and places, and the memory of details regarding many events in my life, which had become very vague (almost lost) during the exalted state of my devotional madness.
If I were to attempt writing in those days, all this that I am writing now, I would have drawn a big blank. First, I would not have had any inclination to sit down to write all these. Second, even if I had forced myself to do that, my memory would have failed me miserably at every step. I lived in a very different world in those days.
Now also, I have to retrieve the information gradually, all do not come back at once. Sometimes, they come back like a lightning, tearing the darkness!
There was yet another change during this process. I lost the sleep of night, and therefore, I needed to recover it during the day. Some said it was unhealthy, and in contradiction with the demands of the Nature.
Gradually, I regained the ability to differentiate between good and bad. At one time, all people had seemed to me alike; all were good! I would then glorify those who even betrayed me. Then, in those days the inside me was in peace! For, I saw the good in all. Now having regained the distinction between good and bad, and the recollection thereof, it has placed my life in a different light.
Given the choice, I may want to go back to that earlier state. At the same time, I accept the return, as it has to be with a purpose. Nothing happens under the heavens without a purpose!
Finally, through a seemingly prolonged struggle over a period of two and half years, I was entirely brought back to the material world, by now very conscious of its needs, desires, attachments, relationships, and money.
Gradually I became well equipped (physically, mentally, and emotionally) to deal with them, as everyone else would do.
in contradiction with the demands of the Nature : We need the waking day to interact with the outside world. We all sleep in the night because normal business closes then. My interaction with the outside world is through this work on BhagavadGita. I do it in the cool, calm, and peace of the night. BhagavadGita 2:69 "What is darkness to everyone, for that permanent Bliss the SthitPragya Yogi stays awake. And for those temporary worldly pleasures, for which everyone else stays awake, that is like darkness to the Muni who knows of the Creator". 2010 10 17
prolonged struggle over a period of two and half years : This was between December 1999 to June 2002
Dec 1999 to Jun 2002 —
Return to Material World 'NOW' was with a significant difference
But, with one basic difference; whereby, I remained in this material world fully and yet, not in it fully; whereby, my mind and emotions sought all that every other person does, but nothing would bind me for long enough. The only permanent bond seems now, is to be with Him, the Supreme Soul, my immediate as well as ultimate goal!
However, I realized that so long I have to carry this body; I shall have to bear with the needs of this body, and fulfill the desires of this body; no point denying them. I have also become aware of certain prior birth commitments or compulsions that need to be discharged or met with.
By now, I had understood the purpose of my forced return, which I had questioned often before. Mysterious are the ways of destiny that we ourselves create through our own actions in the past, utilizing our freewill in a manner different than, for what, 'He' has given it to us!
I realized that so long I have to carry this body - BhagavadGeeta 2:59-60-61 - "When such person withdraws himself from the objects that appeal to his senses, he is not physically gratifying his senses. Yet, deep within him somewhere remains buried the desire. This deep-seated desire also gets extinguished after vision of the Creator. Even if the person is wise, uses proper discretion, puts adequate efforts; yet his powerful senses turn his mind towards attachments. While keeping these senses under control, one should immerse his thoughts in Me". 2010-10-17
By now, I had understood the purpose of my forced return - Quoting Romain Rolland from his book The Life of Ramakrishna page 40 "Even the saint who comes down from Samaadhi (ecstasy) to the plane of ordinary life is forced to return to the envelope of his ‘differentiated’ ego, however attenuated, and purified. He is flung back into the world of relativity. So far as his ego is relatively real to him, so far will this world also be real; but when his ego has been purified, he sees the whole world of phenomenon as the manifold manifestation of the Absolute to the senses. Maya will then appear under its true colors, at once truth and falsehood, knowledge and ignorance (Vidya and Avidya, everything that leads to God and everything that does not lead to Him".
Mumbai, 25 Oct 2001
Sold New Bombay house, returned to Canada for good
The seemingly prolonged period, during which I was gradually drawn back to the haunts of material world from the blissful realm of 'His' domain, I had asked a question to myself over and again, as to why was I being dragged back into it? I had suspected often that there was a purpose, but I had not known with clarity what it was.
I had asked myself many a time as to why I was not able to give up my body that I no more desired, as I wanted to totally submerge my ego into Him. I wanted no ego of my own, and yet 'He' would return me back to it, after giving me the taste of its transitory dissolution in 'Him'. I had known it very clearly that 'He' had a use for this body, but I did not know exactly what.
This not knowing, exactly what, was a bit maddening. By now, three years had passed since the fatal cardiac arrest, which was one of the turning points in my life. First two years had been hectic, different kinds of spiritual experiences one after the other had come by, and they had engulfed me totally. Third year brought me repeated sicknesses, and by September 2000, I had become very weak.
After this started the process of dilution in my devotional fever, and with that, my exposure towards the worldly life started increasing. With that, the total erosion in the value of my assets gradually made me aware of the importance of financial resources for sustenance of life. Coupled with that, total absence of any definitive direction to the remaining life, started bothering me, and making me restless.
Now, my life minus the devotional fever became equal to emptiness! Knowing that such emptiness can be disastrous, and not knowing exactly why 'He' had chosen to bring me back to this state, I decided to go back to my old life pattern, that I lived before my cardiac arrest. I sold my New Bombay house in August 2001, visited Kamarpukur next month, and then left India for good, returned to Toronto on 25 October 2001.
Toronto, 9 Nov 2001
But Naaraayani Ma Bhav'Taarini seemed to have other plans for me
It was Friday, 9 November 2001, 10:05 PM at 2015-25 Mabelle Avenue, Etobicoke ON M9A 4Y1 Canada. I was resting at its northeast corner room while listening to BhagavadGita.
There was a sudden flash, a momentary one, but so vivid that I remembered it for long. During that flash I saw the road ahead.
ईश्वरः सर्वभूतानां हृद्देशेअर्जुन तिष्ठति।
भ्रामयन्सर्वभूतानि यन्त्रारूढानि मायया।।
Eeshwarah Sarv'bhootaanaam Hriddeshe'Arjun Tishthati
Bhraamayan'Sarv'bhootaani Yantraaroorhaani Maayaya
O Arjun! This body is like a machine. Mounted on this machine, God with the aid of 'His' Maya makes it move around in accordance with the individual's Karm. 'He' knows what is in the heart of each creature. 'He' is resident in the heart of all the creatures. BhagavadGita Adhyaay 18 Shlok 61
It became clear to me that I am 'His' instrument, and gradually now 'He' has made me ready for the task 'He' had for me. This is when I knew the task as well, for the first time.
I woke up next morning with distinct feeling that all my desires have been extinguished. It was the morning of Saturday, 10 November 2001, at 25 Mabelle Avenue.
I returned to BhaaratVarsh to start the work.