The following were written during August 2002 starting from 4 Aug while waiting at Milan (Italy) Airport for next flight to Mumbai (lot many additions have been made during the years that followed and such additions have been duly date — all images have been collected during later years and were added to the text)
When my heart stopped beating
Etobicoke, Toronto, 1st week of July 1998
Give me a place at Your feet, Naaraayan, and take away everything
Toronto has a Chain of Parks spread throughout the city. The spread is such that it might even have an access from very near your house. And, these parks seem to be interconnected such that you can go on and on up to 90 kilometers.
Very recently I had purchased a condominium at 36th floor of a building, had it furnished, and moved in. Then I invited a qualified priest from Vishnu Mandir to perform Satya'Naaraayan' Pooja. Later I discovered that there was a passage through the basement which led to a staircase going down up to the opening of one of the parks, and I became a frequent visitor to it.
One such evening I remember which was sometime during first week of July 1998. I had walked miles and miles through the park until it started to become dark and it was the time to return. I noticed a passage up to the hillock and light at the end indicative of some approach to the main road somewhere. I stood there for some time evaluating the options and finally decided to take back the same path by which I had landed there.
The footpath on which I was walking back home, or probably thousands of people have walked before, was nature made, not man made symmetrical concrete road. The surroundings were more like jungle, though no wild animals of course, well maintained by Parks, Forestry & Recreation Division. There weren't any artificial lights around and the moonlight created an ambiance that was unique.
The footpath I was walking on was so very familiar that I hardly needed to look down or ahead, so I had been more often looking up toward the moon and absorbing its cool, quiet and peaceful ambiance. Slowly it engulfed my entire being and the thought of Shri Naaraayan started flooding in my mind. I began to chant 'His' name and gradually my voice began to become louder and louder overwhelming my very existence. I was so very immersed in it that nothing else mattered. In any case there was no human character in sight for miles together who could perceive me as a mad guy!
As I walked and walked, gradually a voice started coming from within me asking Shri Naaraayan to give me a place at 'His' feet in return of everything else that He has given me thus far. Nothing mattered, nothing that I had, in comparison to a place at 'His' feet. Years later I realized that the house you live in can have a bearing on your life.
This was a state of immersion into Samarpan' Bhaav समर्पण भाव toward Shri Naaraayan, my Aaraadhya...
a voice started coming from within me BhagavadGita Adhyaay 6 Aatm'Sanyam'Yog' आत्मसंयमयोग Shlok 44 "On account of continuous practice during prior births he keeps getting drawn as if not being within his own power towards the complete attainment of his object". 17 Oct 2010
Toronto, Wednesday, 22 July 1998
when Heartbeats Stopped, Wednesday 22 July 1998, Toronto
It was the morning of Wednesday 22 July 1998 at Sunnybrook Medical Center (now Sunnybrook Health Sciences Center), University of Toronto, 2075 Bayview Avenue, North York, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4N 3M5. I was on the operation table; Dr. S. Fort working on me.
My eyes fell on the monitor placed at a viewable height on my left and the lines appearing on it caught my attention. Moments later everything blacked out (later I learned that my heart had stopped beating but for how long I have no idea).
When I could look around I found myself on the same bed from where I was taken to the operation theater on wheel chair. I looked outside the window on my left and felt as if morning was over and now it was afternoon.
From that evening my life changed. But I have had no idea that it could have had any connection with whatever had happened that morning. I remained under impression that it was simply a case of heart attack, something that we so often hear about. In the report that hospital had handed over to me there was a mention of cardiac arrest which I assumed as equivalent of heart attack.
Years later, more precisely on 7 May 2001, I was in the clinic of Dr. Atul Seth for eye examination. I do not remember the context in which I just mention him of my earlier cardiac arrest. He looked at me and said: if you had a cardiac arrest you wouldn't be sitting in front of me.
I realized he was conveying that people don't survive cardiac arrest and it is not same as heart attack. That is when I told him that I was in the operation theater when it happened. Hearing that he said: that explains!
Dr. Atul Seth's comments turned me curious. I searched through Dr. Terence Kavanagh's book Take Heart and found the following description:
“If the damage is severe, then the heart may stop beating (‘cardiac arrest’ or ‘ventricular fibrillation’, and the attack is fatal. If cardiac arrest occurs when the patient is already in hospital, then normal rhythmic beating may be restored, by applying an external electrical current to the chest wall. This procedure is known as defibrillation. Obviously, there is a great advantage to having the patient in the intensive care unit; here the heart can be monitored continuously, and if cardiac arrest occurs, defibrillation can be carried out within seconds. Unfortunately, cardiac arrest is most likely in the first few hours of the attack, when decisions are still being made to call a doctor or arrange admission to hospital.”
From this I learned that cardiac arrest (medical term: ventricular fibrillation) is almost always fatal except in those cases where the patient had the benefit of being in ICU so that defibrillation could be carried out within seconds, and most patients are not that fortunate.
As I have later learned from subsequent events of my life that nothing happens under the heaven without a reason/purpose, and it applied to me very aptly, not only to what happened later but also to what had happened earlier in my current life.
Year later I would come to understand the true meaning of Shlok 61 of Adhyaay' 18 of ShrimadBhagavadGeeta, something that I would discuss later, and in good time.
BhagavadGita 18:61 : ईश्वरः सर्वभूतानां हृद्देशेअर्जुन तिष्ठति। भ्रामयन्सर्वभूतानि यन्त्रारूढानि मायया।। Eeshwarah' Sarv'bhootaanaam Hriddeshe'Arjun' Tishthati, Bhraamayan'Sarv'bhootaani Yantraaroorhaani Maayaya "O Arjun! This body is like a machine. Mounted on this machine, God with the aid of 'His' Maya makes it move around in accordance with the individual's Karm. 'He' knows what is in the heart of each creature. 'He' is resident in the heart of all the creatures". 17-10-2010
Toronto, Aug-Sep 1998
Aatm'Shuddhi आत्मशुद्धि
Next two months (Aug-Sept) were very different. I started going through intense devotional experiences. Initially they were in form of flooding of love for God, becoming very deep and intense. It would have been the transitory phase of Bhakti'Yog' in my life, in an intense mode.
These spiritual experiences were spontaneous, with no conscious effort on my part, without encouragement from anyone, and seemingly without guidance from anyone. I learned who the guide was only after I had traveled considerable distance in that direction.
My office was at down-town Toronto. There were many Hindu temples in and around the city. Though distances were very significant but driving was no issue; instead it was sheer pleasure. During these two months, I spent all my spare time after work at Vishnu Mandir, Richmond Hill, VaishnoDevi Temple, Oakville, Kaali Baari, Mississauga, Ganesh Temple, Richmond Hill, ISKON, and Lakshmi Naaraayan Mandir (Scarborough). This brought an immense effect on me.
On my own volition I had collected a copy of Satya'Naaraayan'' Pooja Procedure and Mantr' (separate videos) from a priest of Vishnu Mandir and followed it religiously, and I bought all material required for Pooja from a shop at Gerrard St. East Market—this market is popularly known as Little India—which specialized in collection of entire range of products required for any kind of worship and ritual by Hindus.
I
turned totally fruitarian, I would live on fruits and milk alone. I would eat at home after
formally offering these to Shri Naaraayan with proper Mantr recitation. I had done nothing like
that in earlier part of my present life. No one told me to do it now, nor did I read it anywhere
that I should do it so. Everything I did was spontaneous, and I would not know the source of
such desire, nor it was of any relevance to me at that point of time. Years later I came to
understand that 'He Himself' shows the way when 'He' wishes to accept your offerings.
Vishnu Mandir (Richmond Hill) had organized a fortnight-long Yagya ceremony with हवनकुण्ड (Havan'Kund') that would stay प्रज्वलित (Prajvalit' / ignited) day and night until conclusion of यज्ञ (Yagya) and अखण्ड रामायण कथा (Raamaayan' Katha).
I had decided to drive up to Vishnu Mandir every day after work, make offerings in Havan', and listen to Katha as long it would continue. Every morning main ritual of Havan would start at six when I would be getting ready for office. Meanwhile, our company arranged for a retreat and brainstorming session elsewhere. We all drove down to a beautiful place away from hustle and bustle of down-town Toronto and settled ourselves in a quiet, cool and well kept olden times like surrounding. I wasn't yet medically permitted to drive myself and therefore, I joined Stefan Molyneux in his car.
Next morning the brainstorming session began and we all were talking business. At some point of time Jacques Lauren made a remark that "Maanoj is overburdened and is entitled to some vacation and additional staff". Yes, it was true that I had been overburdened but I never mentioned it to anyone. Nevertheless, people had eyes to see and someone had to voice it. Our CTO promptly responded by offering me a fortnight's vacation and permission to hire an assistant. When I returned from vacation my peers asked me how I spent it, but they were in for a surprise. No one, in that Western environment would have even dreamt of it!
But that apart, what really mattered to me was the timing of the event. Vacation coincided with two important things. One: Yagya Ceremony fortnight. Two: medical fitness to drive. In other words, now I could participate in Havan from morning and spend the whole day at Vishnu Mandir till the end of the day. I hadn't expected it nor I had prayed for it as I was happy with whatever I was given.
Looking behind I realize that the hand of destiny was guiding through the events, quite unseen by me, and I was progressing towards the state of readiness when my offerings would be acceptable to Shri Naaraayan.
I would spend hours under Pandaal sitting in front of Shri Naaraayan श्रीनारायण, or staring at Shri Krishn श्रीकृष्ण, and tears would be flooding through my eyes continuously. I remember once my eyes caught the face of a young mother who was looking at me with amazement. The amazement showed on her face as she saw me in silent tears, flooding unabated, in the public place with so many people around. I was quite oblivious of my surroundings!
At
times when no one would be there, I would sit
in front of the Havan'Kund' हवनकुण्ड and participate in Yagya me alone, very involved. It
was no ritual for me, emotions would be flowing from within my heart, and they
would be pouring themselves into the fire of the Havan'Kund'
हवनकुण्ड. It was the period of my Aatm'Shuddhi आत्मशुद्धि,
purification of Soul. In the fire of Praayashchitt' प्रायश्चित्त,
I would be burning my Karm' कर्म (past deeds). Through the tears of Praayashchitt, I would be
washing away my Karm'.
These spiritual experiences were spontaneous, with no conscious effort on my part BhagavadGeeta 6:44 Aatm'Sanyam'Yog' आत्मसंयमयोग: "On account of continuous practice during prior births he keeps getting drawn as if not being within his own power towards the complete attainment of his object". 17-10-2010
would be pouring themselves into the fire of the Havan'Kund' - BhagavadGita Adhyaay 4 Gyaan'Karm'Sannyaas'Yog' ज्ञानकर्मसंन्यासयोग Karm' कर्म and A'Karm' अकर्म Shlok 25 - "Some Karm Yogi perform Yagya in relation to Devataa(s), whereas some sacrifice the Self in the fire of Brahm". BhagavadGita Adhyaay 6 Aatm'Sanyam'Yog' आत्मसंयमयोग Shlok 45 - "With the help of perfection acquired through the course of many prior births, such Yogi practicing with effort and dedication, becomes accomplished in this life itself and by neutralizing all his Karm, he attains the Supreme state". 17 Oct 2010
Aatm'Shuddhi आत्मशुद्धि and Praayashchitt' प्रायश्चित्त for all the wrongs that I may have done to others, as well as, all the wrongs that others may have done to me while I had maintained silence patiently absorbing all within me until it tore me apart, and yet I kept accepting the responsibility as mine. In essence, it was an act of forgiving others for all the injustice done to me over the years, and thereby, washing my heart away for all negatives in my life. It wasn't a day-long process, or week or fortnight-long process, but a process that continued for months and a few years, almost until the morning of 10 November 2001, with many breaks in-between. [note added 10 May 2011, 11:48 PM]
Praayashchitt [Sunday 5 Jan 2012, 16:03 PM] not only included wrong-doings on my part to others but also included the wrong-doings by others on me. I was also at fault for allowing others to continue with their wrong-doings on me and for not taking corrective measures and letting myself suffer through the agonies. Initiated at this point, the process took a few years to complete, and to understand its true import that would make me stand firm against letting any wrong-doings continue. This happened when the realization dawned on me that the one who accepts sufferings quietly, when he has the option not to, is also equally at fault and a Praayashchitt' is called for in order to make him fit to stand against any recurrence in any form and in any situation. That firmness, when acquired, made me capable of raising voice against all wrong-doings that have been, and are being, perpetrated against Hindoo Dharm' in a systematic manner with an objective to eliminate it from the face of the earth. My present day determined effort to take a firm stand against it did sprout from that Praayashchitt' and understanding of its true import.
Toronto, Sept - Oct 1998
Ma Durga's Boon
During September-October 1998, I attended three Jag'Raataas, which had far-reaching effect on me, and I have vivid memory of them.
Dr. Doobay of Vishnu Mandir had invited the famous singer Narendra Chanchal from Bombay. His invocation of Divine Mother was extraordinary. The ambiance it created is beyond my words. The process of chanting in praise of Ma Durga went through the entire night.
Throughout the invocation, Chanchal would say again and again: Ask Mother today what you want and it would be granted. My vision remained blurred with tears. Love for mother had engrossed my whole being. I didn't know what to ask. I did not want to ask for anything. It was more than enough for me that I had this overwhelming opportunity to remain immersed in the love of Ma Durga through the passage of entire night. Nothing else truly mattered in comparison to that.
Narendra Chanchal himself was so deep into it that it was difficult to perceive him as a Bollywood singer. His performance spoke for his devotion towards Ma Durga. From time to time he continued to remind the devotes present: Ask Mother today what you want, and it would be granted. And finally, I did ask Ma Durga: Ma, take back from me every thing that I have, and give me in return, a place at Shri Naaraayan's feet.
In good time, my prayer was heard. I got what I had sought, and lost what I had offered in return. But in those days, I did feel a deep sense of loss, once in a while, for what I had lost. It did not occur to me then that those losses could have had any connection with my spontaneous offerings to Divine Mother Durga on that night of first Jag'Raataa I attended, as those losses came first and gains later.
But now I realize that they were, indeed, inter-connected. Voluntarily, in exercise of my freewill, an inner urge had surfaced on my mind from the depth of my heart, that night, and it was I who made those offerings.
Those offerings were meant to be a sacrifice, though in those days, I never understood the meaning of sacrifice in a spiritual sense. The word sacrifice had always meant to me in a worldly sense, as is generally understood by people, making sacrifices for their loved-ones. Therefore, I made the offering quite spontaneously, but not realizing then that, in effect, I was making a sacrifice of spiritual nature.
It is only now that I sit down to write these lines it occurs to me from nowhere (I was not thinking of it consciously) that offerings I made that night were a sacrifice to God. As I looked out of the window I noticed that it was becoming dawn, birds chirping. And, it dawned on me that I had made, that night, a sacrifice on my own volition, and therefore, I have had no reason to be sad about it. I had lost what I had offered, and I had gained what I asked for, and that was a good bargain.
offerings I made that night were a sacrifice to God - BhagavadGita Adhyaay 4 Gyaan'Karm'Sannyaas'Yog ज्ञानकर्मसंन्यासयोग Karm कर्म and A'Karm अकर्म - Shlok 25 Some Karm Yogi perform Yagya in relation to Devataa(s), whereas some sacrifice the Self in the fire of Brahm. BhagavadGita Adhyaay 6 Aatm'Sanyam'Yog आत्मसंयमयोग - Shlok 45 With the help of perfection acquired through the course of many prior births, such Yogi practicing with effort and dedication, becomes accomplished in this life itself; and by neutralizing all his Karm, he attains the Supreme state. 17 Oct 2010
Deep in Samaadhi समाधि
Toronto, Canada, Oct - Dec 1998
There was much more in store for me to experience, as yet
God has created billions of humans. He can, at His will, create Himself in form of a human. He can, when pleased, reveal Himself in the form in which His loving devotee wishes to recognize Him!
He is the Personal God; Supreme Soul is the Impersonal God. Now I can perceive the two, the personal and impersonal God, as the same. In those days, I could not perceive Him as the Supreme Soul. He was Shri Naaraayan' to me, very much the Naaraayan', the living God, the ‘One’ reality, bigger than life, bigger than the Universe.
At that time, I could not associate myself with any abstract concept, like the Supreme Spirit. I needed someone whom I could visualize, I could talk to; I could pour my emotions before Him; I could cry to Him if I needed, someone I could love with all my existence!
There was much more in store for me to experience. 'He' knew better than I did, that my perceptions were incomplete until I experienced them for myself. A lot of journey was slated for me, which was yet to reveal itself.
For me, I was happy and satisfied with what little I knew and what little I understood, until now.
He can, at His will, create Himself in form of a human — Those who scoff at this idea are trying to convey that God has no ability to assume a human form for Himself though He might have the ability to create billions of humans! Such belief is the product of their gross ignorance of God’s abilities
Naaraayan means the goal of the individual soul. He is the representation of the Supreme Soul, in human form.
Toronto, Canada, 25 Jan - 5 Mar 1999
in Samaadhi समाधि
After a few months, spiritual experiences started taking mysterious turn, as I moved into a new condominium on 25 January 1999, the day I completed 47 years of my life.
I was mysteriously led to getting the Chants of India by Ravi Shankar & George Harrison. I had no inclination, in my remotest dreams, to get any CD for that matter; I was taken to it at the pretext of something else, and no one seemingly associated with the process.
As I started hearing its demonstration at Future Shop, I felt as if I knew these Sanskrit chants verbatim and with their meanings. Curiously, though, I had been totally out of touch with my Sanskrit education for past thirty-three years.
As the demo progressed, I reached those Vedic verses whose meanings I did not readily know, and yet amazingly they too seemed to be so very familiar to me, as if I used to hear them in my distant past very frequently. As I look back, I had actually never heard some of them in my present life!
Mysteriously led to — Note added on 17 Oct 2010 — BhagavadGita 6:44 "On account of continuous practice during prior births he keeps getting drawn as if not being within his own power towards the complete attainment of his object".
Chants of India on YouTube — link re-verified that it exists as of Sunday, 18 Dec 2011, AM 03:03 +05:30
As we dive deep into the spiritual domain, the aspirant often knows not what would come next.
During February 1999, every evening I would return from work and sit down with the Chants of
India, and recitations would go on for a little more than one hour.
It would be dusk; I would leave my mind flow freely with the chants, as they would begin.
After the second track Nityam dhyaayanti Yoginah I would be lost into the unknown, the absolute blankness. [shlok', meaning & audio]
As I would return to consciousness of my surroundings, I would hear the last chant in recitation Sarve Shaam. [shlok', meaning & audio]
This would happen every evening, without exception, about the same places in the course of the recitations.
This would happen every evening, by itself, without any conscious effort on my part. Evenings after evenings, for few weeks in row, the experience would be repeated. Neither, I would understand what it was all about, nor it would occur to me that I needed to understand.
I would have no recollection of where my mind had been during that one hour.
I would have no recollection of any dream, any thought, any feeling, anything at all that I can give a name to.
The only word I can think of, by which I could probably describe it well, was "Total Blank". Period!
I would not know if I even existed during that one hour!
It would feel as if that one-hour was totally lost somewhere, but where I would have no clue, whatsoever.
I would be sitting erect, without support (backrest), for whole one hour, with my head and neck remaining straight. I did not find any change in my posture, when I returned to the consciousness of my surroundings.
There was a typical consistency in the pattern. All that was happening about at the same place, about at the same time, about in the same manner: my going into absolute blankness, return to conscious world about the same location during the recitations, absolutely no change in the body posture before and after the event.
I was being transported, possibly to another world of consciousness, of which I had no recollection.
return to consciousness of my surroundings — I started suspecting that probably I was sleeping during that one hour of recitation. Later I started analyzing the situation. It occurred to me, if I were sleeping for an hour, I could not be sitting erect, without support (backrest), for whole one hour, with my head and neck remaining straight. I asked myself, as to why I did not find any change in my posture, when I returned to the consciousness of my surroundings I compared it with my numerous experiences of long travel in bus or train where often I would go into sleep, and invariably after a while, I would get up with jerk in neck, as my head would drop down during sleep, but it did not happen because the bus or train would stop with an unexpected jerk. It happened because, I simply could not keep my head straight while sleeping in a sitting position, and it had happened for many years The feeling after regaining consciousness of my surroundings was extraordinarily different. That kind of serenity and bliss I would have never known, in my present life, ever before. Whereas, waking up after a nap in the bus or train had always left me with a peculiarly dried throat and a discomforted feeling There was yet another reason for discounting my original suspicion about sleep. My sleeps were invariably filled with some kind of dream, but I would have no recollection of anything like a dream, after regaining consciousness of my surroundings, after that one hour I spent every evening
The feeling after regaining consciousness of my surroundings, after that one-hour of total blankness - Oneness with the Unknown, was extraordinarily different. That kind of serenity and bliss I had never known, in my present life, ever before, until then.
I would have no recollection of anything like a dream, after regaining consciousness of my surroundings, after that one hour, I spent every evening; at the same time, I could not be unconscious, for that period, or else my body would not remain, for one hour, in that posture.
It would be very blank, absolute blankness, but could not be a medical blackout with such systematic repetition evening after evening, at a given point of time, with uncanny precision. I felt perhaps the fittest, mentally and physically, during the daytime that followed every evening, during those few weeks.
After my return to the consciousness of my surroundings, I would be in a different world altogether until next morning, when I would get ready for work.
At work, the sense of peace would be so deep that I would not want to think of vacation at all. We look forward to vacation in order to run away from the monotony or stress of the work environment. Curiously, now at work, every day gave me the mental comfort of a vacation, as I was very free from stress, during those few weeks! I felt as if I was enjoying each day’s work immensely in those days, as if I wanted to remain in that environment all my life. This kind of feeling, I had only once, through my entire working career of so many years, and that was only during those few weeks.
I was able to perform my work very efficiently in those few weeks, a work that needed high degree of concentration and application with deep analytical bent of mind. My job was to unearth invisible flaws and hidden weaknesses that are not easily spotted, in computer programs of technical nature.
My mind goes back to those days bringing the memories of my weekends, the kind that I had never experienced before or after those few weeks.
Saturday and Sunday, I used to have two days off from work. I lived alone and I would not turn the television on for time pass, I simply did not need to. Solitude is very congenial to spiritual journey, and living alone did help.
I would get up early morning extraordinarily fresh, something that was a rarity in my life pattern. After daily routines and bath, I would sit down with a book or a music that had only sounds of Nature as music.
The day would pass in absolute calm and serenity. I would not feel the need for filling up the hours of the day. There would be no sense of emptiness in my whole being. There would be no lethargy in my physical and mental system.
There would be no sense of wanting or emptiness during the time of two whole days at my disposal to spend. There would be no sense of wanting in my surroundings and in my life. That was the February of 1999 and 1st week of March!
During this period, I would always be part of my surroundings, my work, people, and yet I would be out of it all. I would be wholly involved with my work at my work place, with people I would be in contact with, and yet detached from all of it and all of them.
That kind of detachment was not the product of mind or learning or training. That kind of detachment was not the product of a hurt or deep loss in life. That detachment was unique. I have experienced detachment in life of other kinds, but never of that type. It was so natural, so self-evolved, so un-engineered. It was so very different. I have not experienced that again, nor I have made any attempt for that. For, I have now understood it had been a gift from God with a purpose.
The basic attribute that I can remember now of those few weeks of my life is the wanting of nothing. Nothing that I was lacking, nothing that caused a void in my life, nothing that gave me a sense of emptiness!
I have not known of a better feel of contended life, at a stretch for that long a period, ever before or ever after those couple of weeks!
Every evening, at the same time — added on 2010 10 17 — BhagavadGita 6: 44 — "On account of continuous practice during prior births he keeps getting drawn as if not being within his own power towards the complete attainment of his object".
Uncanny — (thefreedictionary.com & merriam-webster.com) beyond what is normal or expected, ex: an uncanny accuracy (dictionary.reference.com) having or seeming to have a supernatural or inexplicable basis; beyond the ordinary or normal; extraordinary: ex: uncanny accuracy
Aug-Oct 2002 — Three and half years have passed since then. As I now sit down to write these details, my mind is taken to BhagavadGita 2:55, 58: Shri Krishn' said: “O Arjun! When a person gives up all his desires fully well, and lives content within him, in such a state he is called Sthit’Pragya (T pronounced as in French, G with nasal sound. Both A are pronounced as U in But). As tortoise withdraws his limbs, in that manner, when this person withdraws all his senses from all sense-objects, then his Buddhi is resolute”.
16 July 2010 — Eleven and half years have passed since then. Now I realize that I was transported to the state of Sthit'Pragya स्थितप्रज्ञ for a short duration of five weeks to give me a clue in advance (which I would be able to corroborate with subsequent events / revelations at a later day) as to who I may have been in my prior birth(s), why this extraordinary deviation during first sixty percent period of my present birth, and...
a better feel of contended life — added 17 Oct 2010 BhagavadGita 2:52-53: "When your intellect will be freed from the cloud of attachments then you will develop indifference towards things that you have heard or have found interesting enough to hear. When your mind, already disturbed by many different things you have heard, becomes steady and focused, then only you will attain Samatv' Yog'". Shlok 55-56-57-58: "When a person gives up all his desires and remains satisfied within himself, that is the state of mind of a Sthit'Pragya. One who does not get sad in grief, or elated in joy; one who has been able to free himself from attachments, fear, and anger; such person is Sthit'Pragya. A person is Sthit'Pragya when he is devoid of all attachments; is neither pleased nor envious; is neither delighted nor dejected at the outcome of his efforts. Like a tortoise that withdraws its limbs, when a person withdraws his senses from the objects that attract those senses, then his mind is steady".
I have had no earlier exposure to any documentation on spiritual experiences of other people with which I could correlate my own experiences. Besides, it was so very different from the life I had lived so far, and more importantly, it was all so sudden that I was baffled!
I was naturally curious about the recent developments in my life. One of my office colleagues PC used to go to a Buddhist Center regularly. One day I went with her. Towards the end of the session, I narrated briefly my recent experiences to the Monk and asked him what it was all about.
He told me that it was very bad. In next birth, I will be born as one of the creatures in one of the lowest of the species (obviously not human) in this world. He also mentioned that his Guru had written so in his book. This explanation was very dispiriting, and I lost the desire to make any further enquiries into the subject, though I did not buy his theory.
PC noticed that I was visibly disturbed, and she only said later: total blankness is a deep subject! This made some sense to me, and I kept it in my mind for future reference but I did not get to probe into it until recently that, I started documenting my experiences.
Developments that took place thereafter, in quick succession, left me out of breath to get into any probing of what was all happening. All I knew that I was totally overwhelmed by all that were going around me, and I was so completely enveloped into the process that I had simply lost track of many other things that seemed to be quite unimportant, at that point of time!
PC — Pauline Chua, she was an young Engineer probably from University of Toronto, her family migrated from Hong Kong
Buddhist Center — I have lost the address of that Center as my Casio Organizer, in which I used to keep all details, became dysfunctional soon after my return to India, in May 2000. Since I do not remember the exact name I cannot locate / identify the address using the Web either.
Monk — He was white born, taken to Buddhism, and had risen to the level of Head of that Center; PC respected him very deeply.
Venezia, Italia, July 2002
Whatever I had passed through, until now, those were only experiences to me, the real-life experiences but without a definitive name. I did not search for a name because, so far, there had been no need to give it a name. They were simply personal matters to me.
Now that I am documenting these experiences, it becomes necessary for me to find the appropriate name to identify those experiences, the name by which others can correlate them. With that purpose in mind, now I consult other works to find the definitions.
Now I look for similarities in the documented experiences of others to find a name for my own experiences. Until now, they were my own experiences, my very own, unshared with others, and I needed no name for them. Now that they come to public knowledge, they will need to be identified by a name for common reference. I begin, therefore, with the documented experiences of others that I have access to.
When my host at Venice asked me about my spiritual experiences, the first question that surfaced on my thoughts: Do you know of Nirvikalp' Samaadhi? How and why that word came to my mind, at that moment, I do not know. For, I had never thought of it seriously before.
This term ‘Nirvikalp Samaadhi’ had never been of any relevance to me, with regard to my own spiritual experiences, involving retreats to total blankness - Oneness with the Unknown - during February 1999. So far, I had treated my experience of such retreats as admixture of strange and wonderful occurring.
Why then, a term Nirvikalp Samaadhi that I never consciously thought about, nor associated with my own experiences, surfaced on my mental plane out of the blue, when I got somewhat ready to speak of my experiences to my friend Professor D. Meo, and that happened to be my very first reaction?
Whatever might have been the reason, now after my return from Venice, as I start documenting my experiences that is the first place I am prompted to look into: Nirvikalp Samaadhi!
Quoting Swami Nikhilananda (1895-1973), the founder of Ramakrishna-Vivekananda Center of New York, USA in The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna [1942] [unabridged edition] Glossary published at the page 1041
"Nirvikalp Samaadhi: The highest state of Samaadhi, in which the aspirant realizes his total oneness with Brahm'."
Quoting Shri RaamKrishn' (1836-1886) in The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna [1942] at page 639 about a conversation between him and Pundit recorded by M. on Monday, October 20, 1884 at 12 Mallick Street, Burrabazar, Calcutta:
"Pundit: There are two kinds of Samaadhi: Savikalp and Nirvikalp. In Nirvikalp Samaadhi, the functioning of mind stops altogether. Ramakrishna: Yes. The mind completely takes the form of Reality. The distinction between the meditator and the object of meditation does not exist."
Quoting Romain Rolland [1866-1944], winner of the Nobel Prize for Literature [1915], in his book The Life of Ramakrishna [1928] -
"But hardly had Ramakrishna crossed the threshold than he attained the last stage – the Nirvikalp Samaadhi – wherein subject and object alike disappeared. The Universe was extinguished. Space itself was no more. At first, the shadows of ideas floated in the obscure depths of the mind. Monotonously a feeble consciousness of the ego went on ticking. Then that stopped too. Nothing remained but existence. The soul was lost in the Self. Dualism was blotted out. Finite and Infinite space were as one. Beyond word, beyond thought, he attained Brahm'." page 32
"This realization was the last stage, for beyond this temporary revelation lay the supreme realization, the absolute identity, obtained in the Nirvikalp Samaadhi (the Highest Ecstasy). But that reserved for men, who had achieved their mission in life; it was the ultimate and forbidden joy; for from it there is no return except in a few exceptional cases like that of Ramakrishna himself." pages 167-168
"He who is desirous of attaining identity with the Unique Reality only receives a return ticket by a miracle…Properly speaking, it is the stage of illumination to which, we can all aspire and to which we have the power to attain by ourselves and to guide others to a similar attainment." page 168
who had achieved their mission in life — now I realize that 'He' had a purpose behind giving me a taste of Nirvikalp' Samaadhi — 'He' wanted me to realize that I had achieved my personal mission in life during prior births — from this realization I derive my strength — the inner strength that I need to keep working in the direction few would dare [Thursday, 15 Dec 2011, 04:08 AM]
only receives a return ticket by a miracle — perhaps this return ticket was with a purpose — that I should not while away my time and life like everyone else — that there is a bigger objective of my present birth — a task to be accomplished [Thursday, 15 Dec 2011, 04:12 AM]
How and why that word came to my mind — Three years ago I had read something about it in The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna, but the specifics had not registered on my mind, probably because, I had considered it something of a very distant object, only relevant for someone like Shri RaamKrishn Param'Hans' Dev, who was then (at that point of time) an Avataar' in my perception.
Something that I would perceive as not relevant for a common person like me, I would simply ignore. The only thing that I vaguely remembered, in relation to Nirvikalp Samaadhi, was about an experience of Swami Vivekananda, where he felt something like missing his body, or such. The only impression I carried with that vague memory, was that it sounded too odd to me, and probably, therefore, it stuck in my head for its oddness.
A year ago, I would have again read about it somewhere in Romain Rolland’s Life of Ramakrishna, but I was more impressed with his beautiful language throughout the book, and the fact that someone of his eminence was writing so highly about my Master, and even then, I did not even think of relating it to my experiences.
When I got somewhat ready to — I could not do it then, therefore, doing it now.
Brahm' — BhagavadGita, in its original Sanskrit script, refers to Brahm, and therefore, I shall use everywhere Brahm, not Brahman
12 Mallick Street — On the invitation of Marwari devotees for celebrating Ann’Koot' festival, where a vast quantity of cooked food is offered to the Deity and later distributed among the devotees and the poor
Reality — The Supreme Soul is the permanent reality. All else are transitory, not eternal reality
Toronto, Canada, January - March 1999
I have described earlier, in great detail, about my daily retreats for few weeks, into the total blankness - Oneness with the Unknown, where I lost my consciousness of the external world, and was transported into another world of consciousness, of which I have no recollection. Wherever my consciousness would be transported to, there would be no dreams, no thoughts, no emotions, no feelings; no awareness of anything that would be worldly in nature, nothing whatsoever; and this process had evolved by itself.
Was it a state, as described by Swami Nikhilananda [in the Glossary of The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna], where the aspirant realizes his total Oneness with the Brahm? Was it a retreat into the Nirvikalp Samaadhi?
Was it a state, as described by the Pundit to Shri RaamKrishn, where the functioning of mind stops altogether? Was it a retreat into the Nirvikalp Samaadhi?
Was it a state, as described by Romain Rolland, wherein subject and object alike disappeared; the Universe was extinguished; nothing remained but existence; the soul was lost in the Self; dualism was blotted out? Was it a retreat into the Nirvikalp Samaadhi?
Was it a situation, as described by Romain Rolland, where one had achieved the mission in life? Why would I beg of Her to take me away from here into Her own world? Why would I beg of Her to take control of my life, and use it the way She would want? Why would I not want to have any freewill to myself by handing over my total existence to Her? Why would I not want any of my egos; all dissolved into Her, the Divine Mother?
Why was this hurry, through this life, to experience the world as much as possible, as soon as possible, to re-live through the spiritual experiences in a hurried manner; and to be over with it, as if once for all?
Was it a state, as described by Shri RaamKrishn to Pundit, where distinction between the meditator and the object of meditation does not exist? Was it a retreat into the Nirvikalp Samaadhi?
If I were in a state of meditation, then I was the meditator, and someone else was the object of that meditation. The meditator in me had lost its identity, into the one, who was being meditated upon.
Who was I meditating upon? I did not make a conscious effort for meditation. I simply sat in front of the altar (images of Gods whom I worshipped), started the recitation of the Chants, and let my mind and heart and soul flow freely with it. Then, soon I was gone. Where was I gone, I did not know.
If He was the object of meditation, and I was the meditator, then He certainly engulfed me, in a way that I lost myself totally.
If He was not the object of meditation, then who or what was it? All I know that it was Naaraayan, I have been seeking all along; I simply wanted a place at His feet, nothing else mattered to me.
He used to be in my thoughts all the while. I did not know what meditation was all about. Now after this entire journey, that I have already walked you through, I have learnt that meditation is nothing but being in His thoughts, all the while, with all our heart, and mind and soul.
God is there in the base simplicity of thought and expression all else is cosmetic!
He certainly engulfed me — Continuously it happened every evening, about the same place, during the chants: Omkaaram Bindusamyuktam nityam dhyaayanti Yoginah, Kaamadam Mokshadam chaiv', Omkaaraay' Namo Namah - Meaning: The sacred letter ‘Om’ is associated with the sacred dot – the Bindu. This ‘Om’ is the bestower of all wishes, and is indeed capable of leading one to freedom from worldly bondage and is meditated upon by Yogis. Now that I look at this meaning carefully, I am struck by the amazing relevance of it!
Meditation — I had heard of that term, and had some vague impression, that it was some kind of a specialized mental activity, for which you would need a teacher, a guide, a Guru.
Toronto, 1999, 2000, Mumbai, 2000
Quoting Swami Nikhilananda in The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna [1942] [unabridged edition] Glossary published at the page 1031
"Bhaav' Samaadhi: Ecstasy in which the devotee retains his ego and enjoys communion with the Personal God.
My retreats into devotional madness, the state where I would be very much aware of my physical existence, and yet I would be wholly immersed into Her thoughts, was unlike the earlier situation of retreats into total blankness - Oneness with the Unknown. I would be working at office, or driving on the highway, but my mind would be flooding with the name of the Divine Mother.
My existence would be very much in my conscious and yet it would be totally engulfed by Her. I would be very much there as me, and yet I would be within Her. She would envelope my total being, and yet I would be aware of it.
Was it a state of ecstasy, as described by Swami Nikhilananda, in which the devotee retains his ego and enjoys communion with the Personal God? Was it Bhaav Samaadhi?
This all was very spontaneous, without aid of a guide, or, without former practice of devotional discipline that could have led me to such situation. How or why, I did not understand then, nor did I try to.
I was so much immersed in what I was passing through that I had no inclination to ask myself any questions. The experience of bliss was so immense that nothing else mattered. What, why, how, all these remained beyond the sphere of my thoughts; all that mattered was, that I was experiencing then.
Now that I am searching for a name, this is what I am led to quite unconsciously. That was the first thought that occurred to me as to where to look into [Bhaav Samaadhi]. If this is not the right name, what is the right name, and how does it matter? My love for Her is still with me, which I experienced when I was writing about it yesterday. That is all that matters to me, names do not!
Bhaav — Existence; feeling; emotion; ecstasy;
Samaadhi — also denotes "any of the five attitudes that a dualistic worshipper assumes towards God. The first of these attitudes is that of peace; assuming the other four, the devotee regards God as the Master, Child, Friend, or Beloved."
This all was about what had happened. Nevertheless, the questions that I had sought answers to, during the period I was gradually being dragged back to the awareness of the material world, had eluded me for quite some time.
What could have led me to those experiences, one after the other in quick succession, and in such depth? What was behind all this? Who was behind all this?
I had no training; I had no prior association with any religious or spiritual organization; I had no guide, Guru.
Things of this nature cannot happen just from nowhere. There has to be the seed somewhere. There has to be a connection with something. There has to be a cause and effect relationship between the events and their root somewhere, howsoever obscure it may be!
When in August 2000, for the first time, glimpses of my prior births were revealed to me, I saw some light, some explanation to my questions, but not sufficiently.
The connection between my prior birth and the events of this birth did show me the root, but it did not explain to me the process. I still wanted to know ‘how’, while I had only known ‘why’?
I had known what I was in my prior birth, and what led to my present birth. I could understand the natural tendency for the return of my past birth attributes, in the form of my present birth aptitudes. I could also understand their return only after the incidence of fatal cardiac arrest in this birth, which was like a second life to me in this birth. So much for ‘why’, that I was searching answers to.
Nevertheless, ‘how’ still deluded me; I wanted to know, if it was the part of natural mechanism of the cosmic management? Does this happen to anybody in my situation? Is this one of the laws of creation that it should happen in this manner?
I wanted to know the universal system that governs it all. I learnt it only after I was exposed to the BhagavadGita, but it did take me time to unravel the meanings that lay behind the Shloks in BhagavadGita.
In this manner — I do not use the words ‘in this manner’ in relation to the precise steps involved in the events of my life; I mean globally ‘in this manner’; particulars of the steps involved in each individual’s life can very well be different because no two individuals are identical in every possible manner.
Toronto, Canada, after 9 Nov 2001
It was only after 10 November 2001 that I was able to get some feel of the answer to the question that I had been asking myself again and again, and the source happened to be BhagavadGita:
"Arjun' asks:
O Mahaabaaho! On the way to attaining Brahm', a Yogi who lost his way and drifted away, does he become shelter-less? Does he belong neither to the world, nor to the God? Does he get shattered, like a torn cloud? Does he have no refuge at all"
On being asked so by Arjun, Shri Bhagawaan said:
"O Paarth'! That man perishes neither in this world, nor in the other world. O Dear! No man is ever subjected to decay, if he works for raising the Soul within him".
"O Kurunandan'! That man attains with ease, his prior accumulation of spiritual wisdom, from his previous birth and earlier body, and with its influence, he attempts once again, with even greater determination and effort than ever before, to attain his goal.
Because of continuous practice during prior births, he keeps being drawn, as if not being within his own power, towards the complete attainment of his object.
With the help of perfection acquired through the course of many prior births, such Yogi, practicing with effort and dedication, becomes accomplished in this life itself; and (by neutralizing all his Karm'), he attains the Supreme State."
Source — BhagavadGita Chapter 6 Shlok 38, 40, 43, 44, and 45
The vision : Mumbai, Yogeeta, Monday, 16 Sep 2002, little before dawn
I would feel this body like a cage. The soul in the body, like the bird in the cage, would flutter for its freedom. But no matter, howsoever it may try, it remains trapped in the cage!
I would have the vision, me riding a horse, racing with the speed of the wind, running alongside the train, trying to leave it behind, thoughts racing through my mind:
I am coming, I am coming! At the end of the horizon, He is waiting for me, my eternal Father, my eternal Mother, my eternal Friend, my Origin, my End! The train running at a set speed was like the life itself, and me trying to beat it, and reach Him!
Lying in the bed, in the middle of the night I would ask Him:
Where did I lose 'You'? Let me lose anything but not 'You' this time!
A drop of tear would roll down my eyes.
Pain of losing everything else would be on one side, and the pain of losing 'Him' would be on the other side; and, I would not want to trade 'Him' for anything. One lifetime I wasted in desire of these worldly attractions, only to learn how futile they are in comparison to the beauty of 'His' love!
2
Who was the Guru guiding through the process Leading to Nirvikalp Samaadhi, Bhaav Samaadhi, and explaining the meanings of BhagavadGita?
The entire process leading to spontaneous total blankness - Oneness with the Unknown - and subsequent returns there from, were self-evolved, spontaneous, something that happened by itself. I had not been initiated, as it happens traditionally.
I had heard that every person needs a Guru for showing the way to the Supreme, and I had always perceived that such Guru would only be a living human, but I did not have any.
How was my mind flooded with the name of God when I would be at work and at home? Why would I cry like a lost child for the Divine Mother? Why would I become so averse to money, and feel unburdened after giving away all I had? Why would I want to mix only with people who would want to speak of 'Him' alone?
Why would I want to give up my freewill and want only to be guided by 'Him'? Why would I want to feel myself 'His' servant with no ego present in me?
What brought their occurrences within such a short period, changing in shades and colors one after the other or, mixing up with one another?
In retrospect, it feels as if there was a hurry to live in each situation and quickly move to the next stage?
Who helped me in my spontaneous return to the deep esoteric knowledge of BhagavadGita? I did not read or listen to any commentaries on BhagavadGita; how was I able to understand, connect, and interpret them?
Who took me through the whole process, guided me all through this journey; who led me to it all?
They always remained out of my sight, and yet so very real to me: my Isht'Dev' Shri Siddhi Vinaayak', my Aaraadhya Shri Naaraayan, and Shri RaamKrishn' Param'Hans' Dev' who transported me into the devotional madness for Divine Mother!
Esoteric (dictionary definition) — "Intended for or likely to be understood by only a small number of people with specialized knowledge or interest".
I was lying down, when on my thoughts, surfaced the term ‘deep esoteric knowledge’. I was up, looked in the dictionary, and found it befitting; so, I added it here.
The knowledge of BhagavadGita is intended for those souls who have attained a certain level in their evolution and is likely to be absorbed by only a small number of people with specialized interest. Most souls will ignore its knowledge even if it is served on a silver platter!
Why go far, millions of Hindus keep BhagavadGita at their home, in the place of worship with great reverence, but how many have read it, leave aside trying to understand it? I, myself, had it at my home for many years but never looked inside it, until the time came and it led me to it by itself!
The interesting part is that I do not remember having ever before used in my writings or in my speech the word ‘esoteric’ or having ever before looked at its meaning in a dictionary. I may probably have read it somewhere in distant past and assumed some meaning for that, in the given context, but I could not be sure about this. How then, did the word surface on my mind at a place appropriate?
This was just an example. I have noticed many times that concepts, phrases, explanations, etc. float on my mental plane, from where I do not know. It is 'Him', who prompts me from behind the curtain.
Shri Siddhi Vinaayak is another name of Lord Ganesh, who is known as the God of knowledge. Ved'Vyaas' narrated and Shri Ganesh penned the epic MahaaBhaarat', which contains BhagavadGita
Shri Naaraayan is the personification of the Supreme Soul. Naaraayan means goal of every individual soul. Shri Krishn is His Avataar, who delivered the message of BhagavadGita to Arjun at KuruKshetr'
It is true that we all need a Guru, who would generally be a living human, but there could
be exceptions that I learned much later from the following Shlok, which always preceded the
Shlok ‘Nityam dhyaayanti Yoginah’ which led me to spontaneous Samaadhi during February 1999:
GururBrahma GururVishnuh GururDeo Maheshwarah, GuruSsaakshaat' Param' Brahm' Tasmai
Shri Gurave Namah!
Meaning :
"The Guru is none other than Brahmaa; He verily is Vishnu, and He truly is the Maheshwar''. He is the Supreme Spirit Himself. To such a Guru I offer my salutations!
The intent of the above Shlok, as I have now understood, is: When the soul attains a certain stage in its journey towards the Supreme Soul, the Supreme Soul Itself assumes the role of the Guru, and thereafter leads the soul to the desired path!
Brahm' — In this Shlok', when written in Sanskrit script, ब्रह्म Brahm' has been used for the Supreme Soul, impersonal God (not Brahman). I wouldn't deny Brahman is also correct as a Sanskrit term but I shall use only Brahm' ब्रह्म as it appears in श्रीमद्भगवद्गीता ShrimadBhagavadGeeta
Brahmaa — Brahm', as the Creator
Vishnu — Brahm', as the Preserver
Maheshwar — Brahm', as the annihilator, the one who triggers the dissolution of the creation process, only to pave the way for yet another new creation!
Supreme Spirit — Brahm', as impersonal God, the Supreme Spirit
Guru — Shri RaamKrishn Param'Hans' Dev used to say: Satchidaanand' is the Guru! [Sat-Chit-Aanand' = Existence-Knowledge-Bliss, the Absolute, Brahm']
The Supreme Soul, who guided me all through this journey, is He without Form the Supreme Spirit, or is He with Form the Naaraayan? Let us try to look at it in a different way.
I have a body now, so you see me in Form. After I give up this body, you will not see me in this Form. So, in your opinion, do I have a form or, do I have no form?
When I have acquired this form, it is real. When I give up this form, it will still be real. Only two different forms of the same reality!
Why then would you want to waste your intellect debating on whether my ‘this form’ is real, or my ‘no form’ will be real?
Why would you want to remain trapped in such petty debates? What of essence, would you gain out of that?
Rise above the pleasures of intellectual pursuits, and come to experience the Truth as it is.
Then, all questions will disappear. Only He will remain!
Toronto, Canada, Aug - Nov 1996
It was in August 1996 that I met SH. As I entered her office and sat down before her, she said that you have a spiritual aura around you.
Shortly thereafter, between August and November 1996, I called PK on phone for enquiring something but line was engaged. Soon after he called back and said he wanted to meet me, if possible now. He also said on the phone that he sensed a spiritual aura about me, and he said it again when I met him at his place same afternoon.
I filed both incidences in my mind, as rather odd occurrences, but did not attach much significance to them because I did not fully understand the implications. Looking back I realize that those were the days when I had begun my journey back toward God.
In the mornings, as I would leave my house, I would be caught by the stunning beauty of the Nature and remember God’s presence all around! I still remember it vividly, and I had written about it to my mother in India.
I remember of the late nights waiting for TTC bus, in the midst of snow and ice, enjoying the wait, remembering God! The wait about the middle of the night, after attending school from about sunrise till eleven in night, did not seem to me like a wait. For, I would be floating in 'His' realm!
Then were the evenings of May to August 1997, I would be walking after the day’s work for about a mile or so, looking towards the sky, seeing God’s images amongst the clouds!
SH — Native Canadian Lady (whom we Indians refer to as Red-Indian, while North American people referred to them as Indian; however, the term "native" better describes them) (I do not remember her full name now after 14 years 2010-07-26) Her office — meeting was at her office, situated at Kennedy in North York, Toronto
PK — Indian Gentleman (I do not remember full name now after 14 years 2010-07-26) (I think now K stood for Kapoor) He called back — I asked him, how he got my number, to which he said that it was displayed on his phone. I had not yet seen a phone with visual display. A year later I purchased a separate Caller ID instrument At his place — It was at 964 Albion Road, Toronto ON M9V 1A7
In 2002 when I documented these I had their full names but unfortunately I did not write them down then. I used initials like SH, PK, etc. in those days because I thought their full names were not that important. [2011-05-16, 01:10 AM]
In the mornings — It was about November / December 1996 when I was living at 915–7 Crescent Place, Etobicoke, Toronto, Canada
Waiting for TTC bus — In front of Honeywell’s at Victoria Park, North York, Toronto
Seeing God’s images — The walk from Softkey’s TaxPrep, 2700 Matheson Blvd East, Mississauga ON L4W 4V9 to the first TTC bus stop, in the beautiful Canadian summer
Venezia, Italia, 12 July 2002
Recently I was at Venice for three weeks at the invitation of retired Prof. D. Meo. After the air journey, I was stretching myself at the terrace garden that evening while Prof. Meo was watering the plants. I opened my eyes momentarily and found Prof. Meo sitting on the chair, looking intently at my face, eyes narrowed and focused. I closed my eyes. After a while I opened my eyes again, and found her in the same state. Later, on my enquiry she said about White Light surrounding my face.
It was probably the same night, in the dimly lit living room, as I turned my face towards Prof. Meo I noticed her looking at me, again with similar intensity as in the afternoon, and with narrowed focused eyes. Watching my face, she asked me:
"Who are you?"
I do not remember what I replied to her, but I do remember asking her about why she asked me that question. The same was her reply that there was a "White Light"" surrounding my face.
What I realize now is that some people can, at some time, either sense or see something about me that I myself cannot. I would suspect that this would happen only with such people who have the innate ability to sense or see (not with all people) and, not even with such people, all the time.
Related — Logic doesn't travel to lands our knowledge has not traversed yet
That evening — It was 12 July 2002 at Via Felisati 4, 30171–Venezia Mestre, Italia
Prof. D. Meo — 10 years elder to me, retired this year (2002). She is no superstitious person. Being agnostic, she is likely to be more skeptical than any average believer. She is the retired professor of literature, a linguist, and a widely read person of sharp intellect, as I came to know her.
She was born as a Catholic, later turned an agnostic, now developing keen interest in BhagavadGita. Though, my stay was brief, few of her questions and suggestions inspired me significantly, and their effect was bound to reflect in my future works.
On 13 October 2002, I sent a copy of this work to Prof. Meo. I informed the page numbers of this work where I had mentioned her. On 14 October 2002, she confirmed all details, without any change.
2011-05-16, 01:43 AM — edited 2011-11-25 05:24 PM — I spent 2 weeks at Venezia in 2002. After that I have not set foot on foreign soil as I got immersed in writing. After completion of this book I started working on Arise Arjun' : Awaken my Hindu Nation, followed by Christianity in a different Light : Face behind the Mask, and so many others. It was Professor Meo who planted the seed in my mind about the true face of Christianity, which had made her turn agnostic at an early age though born as Catholic Christian.
What I realize now — 2011-11-25 05:27 PM — I also realize that what SH, PK and DM saw in those days, no one will probably see that today. For, I have transformed significantly in the years that came by, the story of which follows hereafter. The agony I had to pass through during my transit from a person immersed in love of Naaraayani Ma Bhav'Taarini to a person who not only looks at the crude reality of the world around but also bears the vision that penetrates far beyond the surface which most other people do not see in such depth as I do.
I had offered my services to Naaraayani Ma Bhav'Taarini unconditionally if I must retain my body and it is SHE who prepared me for this task now I fulfill.
I would have been misfit for this job if I lived in the world where I lived before, where there was no pain, where there was only love, remaining immersed in the thoughts of Sat-Chit-Aanand'.
That way I would have made a way for my Moksh' मोक्ष but what would have happened to millions around?
Naaraayani Ma Bhav'Taarini Rakt'Beej' Sanhaarini नारायणी माँ भवतारिणी रक्तबीज संहारिणी probably had different plans for me and for the people around. What you will get to see through my works will be only the tip of the iceberg, the might of which even experienced sailors fail to see only to be hit by what remains floating underneath, leading to a massive ship-wreckage.
